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Tag: tweets

  • Kate Upton, Valentine’s Day, and Candy Heart Rejects

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, we have a love-inspired daily best tweets…..sort of.

    Enjoy!

    @MattBinder
    Matt Binder    I’m not sure who this Kate Upton is but I assume she lives north of Downton Abbey. 35 minutes ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @FisolaNYDN
    Frank Isola    Seriously, Kate Upton on the cover of Sports Illustrated over Jeremy Lin? Did she ever out score Kobe? Just criminal 16 hours ago via Mobile Web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @jorgearangure
    Jorge Arangure    Thank goodness for SI swimsuit issue. Otherwise, nobody in this day and age could look up photos of attractive women in bikinis 19 hours ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @ladygaga
    Lady Gaga    Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. If you have someone special, give them a kiss. If you don’t, make a voodoo doll of your ex and cast spells. 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @notzuckerberg
    Not Mark Zuckerberg    It’s Valentine’s Day, and it pains me that we cannot be together yet, love. I long for your embrace and shall see you soon, my $28 billion. 3 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @Jude_Josh
    Josh Jude    The day after Valentine’s Day is probably Planned Parenthood’s Black Friday. 7 minutes ago via TwitBird ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Happy Valentine’s Day! If you can’t be with the one you love, eat a burrito by yourself then go home & masturbate. 30 minutes ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    “Will you be VINE?” Really Poison Ivy? 37 minutes ago via Batcomputer ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeCNN
    The Fake CNN    4 out of 5 women can’t believe that whore in accounting got roses and I didn’t. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @angiefrissore
    Angie Frissore    “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen.” #candyheartrejects 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Tiger Woods is scheduled to stop observing Black History Month today. 1 hour ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @BettyFckinWhite
    Betty F*ckin’ White    I forgot our safe word. #candyheartrejects 3 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    DTF 24/7 #RejectedCandyHearts 1 hour ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My gay best friend isn’t flamboyant enough to qualify as a gay best friend. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via iTweet for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @blainecapatch
    blaine capatch    god never slams a door in your face without opening a window to let bees in. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @jackmackenroth
    Jack Mackenroth    You don’t need the calories #candyheartrejects 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • The Grammys, Valentine’s Day, and Who Is Paul McCartney?

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today’s Twitterverse is still buzzing about the Grammys and an interesting trend emerged out of the ignorance of some young music fans.

    Enjoy!

    @MrPeeker
    A J Franks    Bon Iver looks like he could fix your copier. 8 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @JustinKownacki
    Justin Kownacki    Beyond this whole “Who Is Paul McCartney?” debacle, what’s really depressing is that people can’t use the Google. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @deadmau5
    deadmau5    Maximum trolling achieved. http://t.co/RTwY4mXP 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Last night I discovered Skrillex and Deadmau5 are people and not a P90X workout. 36 minutes ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I have a Coldplay song stuck in my head, but I don’t know which one, because they all sound the same. #firstworldproblems 15 minutes ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @timbray
    Tim Bray    Deadmau5 looks alarmingly like a Turntable.fm avatar. 12 hours ago via YoruFukurou ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Adele deserves 5 more Grammy’s for the simple fact she’s not Nikki Minaj 16 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    BREAKING: Due to budget cuts, NASA’s planned trip to Mars has been scaled back to a visit to EPCOT. 19 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    Tomorrow is Valentine’s day. Don’t worry if you’re single. You’re going to die alone anyway! 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @andrewtshaffer
    Andrew Shaffer    What if Adele and Taylor Swift dated each other and then both recorded a breakup album afterwards? 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @Kanye
    Kanye    How come everytime y’all see Taylor Swift y’all think of me 17 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @EliBraden
    Eli Braden    Did Chris Brown really win a Grammy last night or were viewers just prick-rolled? 3 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Chris Brown fans act like beating a woman is equivalent to eating a cupcake when u’r on a diet: “Oh, it’s just one.” 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    Everybody knows Valentine’s Day was invented by the antidepressant industry. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @Ebuka
    Ebuka Obi-Uchendu    Any available statistics on how many times LL Cool J licked his lips while hosting the Grammys last night? 1 hour ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @TonyTLS
    Anthony Bellus    Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks absolutely retarded. That being said, I can’t wait to see it. 7 minutes ago via Twitter for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @copyblogger
    Brian Clark    Who is Paul McCartney? is trending on Twitter. Yoko wins. 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Prop 8, Google Maps, and Louis Vuitton Condoms

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @reetamac
    syreeta mcfadden    So…Prop. 8 ruling *and* Santorum surge on the same Tuesday? Oh mama universe, you funny. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @thecajunboy
    Brett    Think of all the witches Rick Santorum would’ve burned had he been alive in the 1600s. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @edbott
    Ed Bott    E-mailed PR pitches I didn’t finish reading: “Happy Hump Day!” 1 hour ago via MetroTwit ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @bazecraze
    Alex Baze    “There is no gawd.” -teen athiest 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @McCainBlogette
    Meghan McCain    If Rick Santorum becomes our nominee – it will be the first really significant evidence I’ve seen that the Mayans might be right about 2012. 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    I hope someone else’s life flashes before my eyes when I die, because otherwise BOR-RING. 1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    Another Robin died today. Apparently it’s hard to hear Joker sneaking up behind you when your earbuds are blasting Kelly Clarkson. 1 hour ago via Batcomputer ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    It is acceptable to refer to all court proceedings as a “trial,” because seriously, you ever sat through one of those things? 2 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    Google Maps satellite view is great because you can pretend that you’re flying while you stalk people. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My child prefers Dreamworks to Pixar. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via iTweet for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @JoeMande
    Joe Mande    I can’t watch ‘Luck’ or ‘Game of Thrones’ because my dog barks at any horse that appears on screen. #whitepitbullproblems 3 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will Phillips    “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” -guy very confused about what cake is 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    If you see the word “Catholic” in a headline, you know it’s bad news. 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @Comedyonedge
    Mark Williamson    Louis Vuitton condoms. Now people can enjoy their partners blowing it all on Louis Vuitton. 14 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • The Super Bowl, Randy Travis, and Fabric Softener

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @ShawnGarrett
    Shawn Garrett    Randy Travis arrested for public intoxication in Dallas this morning. Or as country fans call it, Monday. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @MrBrandonStroud
    Brandon Stroud    Randy Travis arrested for public intoxication, drove his car into three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway. 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @CMPunk
    CM Punk    That was Clint Eastwood? I still thought it was Madonna. 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @JohnFugelsang
    John Fugelsang    Clint Eastwood never realized that the actual Halftime in America involved male dancers in loincloths lipsynching ‘Vogue.’ 6 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    If Sarah McLachlan and Clint Eastwood teamed up to make a commercial, one single viewing could bum out a country as big as Yugoslavia. 16 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Love the day after the Super Bowl. Just found a Pizza Roll in my beard. 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @CollegeHumor
    CollegeHumor    How long do we think Tom Brady will be upset about the loss after he remembers he gets to put it in Gisele Bundchen? 16 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @jeremyhiebert
    Jeremy Hiebert    I’m really saddened by the news about Syria and Iran today. I really thought Madonna’s ‘World Peace’ sign at halftime would work 4 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @ThisIsRobThomas
    Rob Thomas    M.I.A. gives the finger at the Super Bowl. ooooooh. she’s SO defiant. 13 year olds the world over snickered. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @omarg
    Omar L. Gallaga    M.I.A. should just say she was flipping the bird at those GoDaddy ads and everybody would be completely off her case. 5 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @robinlundberg
    Robin Lundberg    Wes Welker shaved before the postgame press conference. I guess he couldn’t handle both the drop and that mustache. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @mulaney
    John Mulaney    Wes Welker and his mustache are leaving football to go play for the 1970s Pittsburgh Pirates. 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    Now that football is over I can return to ignoring my wife and kids for no good reason. 18 minutes ago via Twitterrific ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @donni
    donni     Just found out Snoop Dogg isn’t even a real detective. 44 minutes ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    I’m so hungover right now I need to make an “It Gets Better” video for my asshole. 51 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I forgot to put a fabric softener sheet in the dryer, now my clothes aren’t as soft. #firstworldproblems 4 hours ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Susan G. Komen, The Super Bowl, and Roseanne

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @daudig
    Dave Gilson    Komen announces new event: Backpedal for the Cure 1 hour ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    “Abort!” — overheard at Komen headquarters #Komen 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @Disalmanac
    Disalmanac    UPDATE: Roseanne Barr will run for the Green Party’s presidential nomination. Meanwhile, Tom Arnold will become assistant manager at Arby’s. 22 minutes ago via SocialOomph ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @ShawnGarrett
    Shawn Garrett    Comedian Roseanne Barr files docs to become President. She’s already been endorsed by Hostess, Oreo’s and strawberry milk. 6 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @DeStorm
    Destorm Power    Today is National Wear Red Day….ummm not in the hood. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Gisele asking friends to pray for Tom Brady is like Mitt Romney asking a guy for spare change. 21 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @WarrenHolstein
    Warren Holstein    Puppy Bowl to be aired on Food Network in Vietnam. 4 hours ago via TweetCaster for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @DreadfulSinger
    Pete Puma    “Baby fat” is the weight you put on from eating too many babies. 1 hour ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @lindacohn
    Linda Cohn    Has Tim Tebow commented on the future of Peyton Manning yet because I think everybody else has.
    #sb46 17 minutes ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @rayadverb
    Dave Barry    I think this Super Bowl could come down to a question of who scores the most total points in the allotted time. 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBosha
    The Bosha    The trouble with doctors is that if I liked someone telling me everything is my own fault all the time I’d still be married. 31 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    My school started its own meme page on facebook. #firstworldproblems 1 hour ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Kobayashi beats record after eating 337 wings at the “Wing Bowl,” or as Rex Ryan refers to it, “Lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.” 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @thebrianposehn
    Brian Posehn    I don’t need to read articles or books on atheism. My dog’s farts assure me we are all alone. 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @friedmanjon
    Jon Friedman    “More like Sir Twix-a-Lot.” -What I’m waiting to say if I ever see an extra overweight Sir Mix-a-Lot 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Black History Month, Corey Haim, and Leap Years

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @mikedicenzo
    Mike DiCenzo    Just realized that, in “Groundhog Day,” Bill Murray also experienced a never-ending Black History Month. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    WATCH PEOPLE REACT TO WATCHMEN PREQUEL LOT LIKE WATCH KRISTEN BELL MEET SLOTH! 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheAngryDM
    Scott    Tomorrow’s Groundhog Day. Remember: If the groundhog doesn’t see its shadow, winter is over. If it doesn’t see its reflection, its a vampire 46 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @jaybaer
    Jay Baer    The Super Bowl is single-handedly keeping cursory knowledge of Roman numerals alive. 3 hours ago via ConvinceandConvert · powered by @socialditto

    @BenVolinPBP
    Benjamin Volin    Tom Brady on growing up with 3 older sisters: “They dressed me up a few times in their clothes and painted my nails once, but it was nice.” 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    Happy Black History Month. I can say that because some of my best friends are history majors. 27 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    To mark Black History Month, I propose a month of silence from Newt Gingrich. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @travishelwig
    Travis Helwig    Happy Ignorant White People Posting Angry Updates About Black History Month on Facebook Month 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JohnFugelsang
    John Fugelsang    Newt Gingrich isn’t pulling out just yet but promises he will before it’s too late. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ConanOBrien
    Conan O’Brien    .@MittRomney won the Florida primary. Amazing how much better he runs when he’s left in the charger for the full 8 hours. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I’m on an annual salary and it’s a leap year so I have to work for free for a day #firstworldproblems 5 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    Someone please tell my parents that I’ll stop calling them when I’m drunk when they start sending me to Space Camp. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @toddbarry
    Todd Barry    #3WordsThatWomenHate 1.IBoughtAGallonOfYour 2.FavoriteIceCream 3.ButIAteItOnTheRideBackFromTheGroceryStore 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    In an attempt to salvage lost commitments, Penn State is offering a signing bonus which includes a taser, pepper spray & a rape whistle. 3 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Black History Month should be called “Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover Work” 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Soul Train creator Don Cornelius has passed away. Lately we’ve lost many talented performers and Corey Haim 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • The Florida Primary, Vanilla Ice, and Autocorrect

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    It wouldn’t be entirely surprising to learn that Thailand is located in Mexico. 19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kirkmorrison
    Kirk Morrison    If you are having a bad day today, take a step back and think about what Blake Griffin did to Kendrick Perkins. #GuaranteedSmile 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    After Blake Griffin’s dunk, Kendrick Perkins has been downgraded to Kendrick Waffle House. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @sv_troutgirl
    Joyce Park    Good thing the #SuperBowl is buying promoted status on Twitter because god knows without that we’d never hear anything about the event. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @markfollman
    Mark Follman    Which fake presidential candidate has raised more cash, Sarah Palin or Stephen Colbert? http://t.co/MdrM8dLa 43 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I am becoming suspicious that if I had a problem, Vanilla Ice would not really solve it. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @pourmecoffee
    pourmecoffee    Tomorrow is FL primary, and Thurday is Groundhog’s Day. If Mitt still sees Newt’s shadow, it’s six more weeks of debates. 20 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @KenTremendous
    Ken Tremendous    I just legally moved to Florida, registered to vote, and cast 1000 ballots for Moon Gingrich as Lord Protector of Moontopia. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @NFLonTheHill
    Joe Browne    GOP primary exit polls in Florida at 4pm indicate 82% of seniors there have voted today…and also already have had dinner. 17 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    They’re voting in Florida. That always bodes well. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @theNuzzy
    david nuzzy nussbaum    I feel like I’ve stood in this line before. Probably just déjà queue. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    When lunch becomes whatever you can reach without getting up, you may want to rethink some life choices. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    You can’t spell “ducking” without “autocorrect” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    I will vote for any candidate who promises to outlaw cash bar weddings. 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @shariv67
    Shari Vanderwerf    I’m like the reverse Michael Jackson. I always wanted to be black. I’m sexually attracted to adults, and I have no talent whatsoever. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    Honk your horn at a red light. You can tell which drivers are staring at their phones by who moves without looking up. 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • Ferris Bueller, Liam Neeson, and Wingdings

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    For those who missed the Republican debate, there’s a great piece about it in the Book of Revelation. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ChrisFranjola
    Chris Franjola    Ferris Bueller and Madonna at the Superbowl? Did NBC get that Delorean up to 85? 56 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @MurphyKeith
    Keith Murphy    It’s almost noon. Does anyone have an update if Liam Neeson has punched a wolf right in the forehead yet? 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @DocShaner
    Doc Shaner    Up until about a week ago I thought The Grey was a Civil War movie. I wish they’d just called it “Liam Neeson punches all the wolves”. 25 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @beetommy
    Thomas Barber    Happy National Chocolate Cake Day? The other types of cake are feeling left out. I’ve just seen an emotional wedding cake. It was in tiers. 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    ESPN execs somewhere: “Quick, how do we tie Tim Tebow to this Peyton Manning storyline?” 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    “God, when will they stop talking about all of this Peyton Manning stuff?” — Brett Favre 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    BET GINGRICH’S CURRENT MISTRESS WONDER WHEN SHE GET PROMOTE TO WIFE! 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    None of my ex-girlfriends have gotten fat yet. #firstworldproblems 31 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @Coastiefish
    Matt Smith    The sound my computer makes when it’s logging off on a Friday is better than anything they play in the radio. 58 minutes ago via twicca · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    Gary Busey speaks in Wingdings font. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ahelvie
    Andrew    This real estate agent is one handsome guy. No homeowner. 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    The cutest things are pug puppies, mixed-race babies, and hipsters working out at the gym. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @GreenishDuck
    Zachary?    “Let’s get this show on the road!” –suicidal thespian deer 3 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    The sentence “I never said he licked my asshole” has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word. 2 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    Every time you scoop Ben & Jerry’s out of the container and into a bowl, God has a little chuckle. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Pat Sajak, Bubble Wrap, and Woody Allen Horror Movies

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter was aflutter with a wide range of topics, including Pat Sajak’s shocking revelation, and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer’s shocking finger wave. We also participate in the trending hashtag #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies.

    Enjoy!

    @Tom_Bergeron
    Tom Bergeron    Pat Sajak cops to being behind the Wheel (of Fortune) while intoxicated. So what? For 6 years I hosted Hollywood Squares with no pants. 17 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @briandunkleman
    brian dunkleman    Pat Sajak admits to hosting Wheel of Fortune while intoxicated. Big deal, I hosted an entire season of Idol without a soul 2 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @drewtoothpaste
    drewtoothpaste    Millions of people drink at work and Pat Sajak is the only one to get a news story. Looks like the 99% loses again. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheOnion
    The Onion    “Joe Paterno gave me a place where I could reach my full potential.” – Jerry Sandusky http://t.co/yLE7wwa5 22 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @theharryshearer
    Harry Shearer    To honor the memory of Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky observed a minute of silent horsing around in the shower. 1 day ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @bsgross606
    Brad Gross    If Red Bull #GivesYouWings, Adderall is at least a jetpack 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @randiradio
    Randi Rhodes    Jan Brewer: “I hope [Obama] takes some of the lessons of Arizona back with him to Washington.” Yeah, like more funding for mental health. 45 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @YourFavWhiteGal
    jac of all trades.     Pat Sajak admits to hosting Wheel of Fortune drunk. Pretty soon Vanna White will admit to never sitting next to Nelly on an airplane. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MlTTR0MNEY
    Willard Mitt Romney    That Jan Brewer is a card. Someone put their finger in my face once. I fired him then ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DCdebbie
    DC Debbie    When “Jan Brewer” trends on twitter, I usually guess she’s either found headless bodies or is doing something racist or both. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @truthncomedy
    TruthnComedy™    We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap. 40 minutes ago via LaterBro.com · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    You Will Meet a Tall Dark Strangler #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies 52 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @pstoneharris
    Phillip S Harris    Annie Holocaust #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies 28 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mbizar
    Michael Bizar    Hannah and Her Fisters #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies 7 minutes ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    Now can we all finally agree that “Sajacked” is the best possible euphemism for getting wasted? 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    On behalf of Neil Young I’d like to declare total victory over Lynyrd Skynyrd. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    [Lead Image Courtesy LA TImes]

  • NFL Allowing Players To Tweet During Pro Bowl

    According to CNBC’s Darren Rovell, NFL players will be allowed to tweet during the Pro Bowl game in special areas on the sidelines.

    Of course with the strict rules the NFL has with social media like Twitter and Facebook, the players will not be using their own personal phones or tablets, rather they will be using “a computer station set up on each sideline” as quoted by Rovell. With the Pro Bowl game being more of a of skill show rather than a competitive game, the NFL’s laxation on the rules is understandable.

    Even with the “Freedom of Tweets”, the inability to use personal devices seems a little funny. Rovell tweeted that the stations are “unsponsored”, meaning they won’t sport any brand names. However, do you suppose the NFL will eventually become permanently lax and let players tweet every game or, do you think it’s just a one time deal? Let us know in the comments

  • The State Of The Union, Thug Life, and Skylights

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, the Twitterverse is buzzing about all aspects of Tuesday’s State of the Union address. We also find some funny tweets from McDonald’s failed #LittleThings Twitter hashtag campaign. Oh yeah, and Rihanna tattooed “Thug Life” on her hands.

    Enjoy!

    @JohnBoy
    JOHN BOY YaBOY™    After seein Rihanna get “Thug Life” tatted on her knuckles, i think we all owe Chris Brown an apology. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @dpicco
    dpicco    The stomach pain it causes almost never develops into diarrhea. #LittleThings 22 minutes ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @mrLdavis
    LeTroy Godashian    Wayment. Rihanna got a thug life tattoo in pink? Tupac didnt die on the cross for that. 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ScottChernoff
    Scott Chernoff    Trending today in the United States: Navy Seals, Thug Life, Cheese Quesadilla. President Obama was right – the state of our union IS strong. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JosephScrimshaw
    Joseph Scrimshaw    Last night’s dream: Obama’s joke writers were posted at the borders, doing stand up to deter people from entering America. 5 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @VanityFair
    VANITY FAIR    Do you think if Obama said really quickly, “Everyonebutericcantorclap,” it would trick Eric Cantor into clapping? 18 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @JShahryar
    Josh Shahryar    It’s settled. Eric Cantor is of House Slytherin. #SotU 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @half__ro
    Halfro    I’m sick of finding uidentifiable #littlethings in my burgers and fries 29 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @realjeffreyross
    Jeffrey Ross    Never realized John Boehner is Mexican. He has a better tan than the Secretary of Agriculture who is outside all day #SOTU 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JoeMande
    Joe Mande    Watch John Boehner and imagine that he’s discretely using a fleshlight. It’s hilarious. #SOTU 18 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    Ever walk through a museum and think, “man, could I make a hell of an entrance through that skylight.” 2 minutes ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

    @RobinMcCauley
    Robin McCauley    I use Facebook to show my friends that I don’t need to be married or have children to be unhappy. 11 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    “Not all Germans were mean” – Schindler’s List in tweet form 21 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Obama vs. Gingrich would be like Seal Team Six vs. Beached Whale One. 30 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Roger Goodell extends his contract by 5 years, or as James Harrison measures it, $900,000 in fines. 38 minutes ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

  • Twitter Warms Up Before SOTU

    Twitter Warms Up Before SOTU

    President Obama’s annual State of the Union address will be tonight at 9:00 PM. You can watch enhanced broadcasts of it online at  http://www.whitehouse.gov/state-of-the-union-2012

    Before the first word is uttered, people are taking to the Twitters in anticipation.

  • The Oscars, National Peanut Butter Day, and Mitt Romney’s Tax Rate

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @JosephScrimshaw
    Joseph Scrimshaw    I bet Andy Serkis would have been nominated for The Rise of the Planet of the Apes if the film was titled War Monkey. #oscars 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeCNN
    The Fake CNN    Shame on the rise after local area man makes eye contact with dog on National Peanut Butter Day. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @AmericanHumor
    American Humor    I think we can all agree that Man or Muppet being nominated for an Oscar is good for America. #oscars 5 hours ago via Buffer · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    TIP FOR THE LADIES: Steer clear of any Personals ad that says, “Seeking Companionship for 30-40 Seconds, Tops” 19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DougBenson
    Doug Benson    Where the f- were the nominations for NEW YEAR’S EVE? How long is the Academy gonna shut out Ashton Kutcher? #Oscars 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Today is National Peanut Butter Day. They have to stop letting Paula Deen name holidays 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jakecampbell7
    Jake Campbell    Congrats to Sarah Jessica Parker for her Oscar nomination in ‘War Horse.’ 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    R1D1 must have sucked. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @iamcolinquinn
    Colin Quinn    Didn’t see the Help because I’m not a guilty white soccer mom but I’m sure it’s very racially hopeful and sincere. Yay! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @xoxoGG
    Garrett Greer    I mean, just so we’re clear: from here on out, in trailers for any movie he’s in, we’re going to see “Academy Award Nominee Jonah Hill.” 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @denisleary
    Denis Leary    Romney is so tight-assed white he’s even tighter-assed-whiter than Richard Pryor’s tight-assed white guy impression. 47 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mikepolkjr
    Mike Polk Jr.    I’ve had blood alcohol levels higher than Mitt Romney’s tax rate. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    The best method for early cancer detection is Newt Gingrich. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @GingrichIdeas
    Newt Gingrich Ideas    Parachute into the Capitol during the State of the Union and challenge Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas debate to the death. 6 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    After 11 years orbiting Jupiter I think it is finally time to cash in my @NASA skymiles. 14 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    Can we replace the obligatory “How are you?” with something people actually are interested in, like “Hi. When’s the last time you got laid?” 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    So glad I’m a guy. Haven’t fought with a friend since 1987. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • National Pie Day, Steven Tyler, and Stuffed Animals

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @richardmarx
    Richard Marx    Wonder how Paula Deen’s celebrating National Pie Day. Maybe she’s dumping nicotine into every new recipe and then investing in Nicorette. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thekeller
    Keller Davis    I’m starting to think this “National Pie Day” was just another holiday cooked up by pie corporations & pie lobbyists to bring in the dough. 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DCdebbie
    DC Debbie    Rand Paul was detained by TSA after refusing a pat down. Maybe he needs counselling, an ultrasound, 24hr waiting period before a pat down? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Doc_0
    John Hayward    I hope the TSA doesn’t detain too many senators besides Rand Paul, or Obama might declare the Senate in recess again. 6 hours ago via Seesmic · powered by @socialditto

    @jhahne
    Jeff Hahne    So, did people listening to Steven Tyler expect him to sound like Pavarotti? He sounded like Steven Tyler. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @greggutfeld
    GregGutfeld    i went outside to put a raccoon out of its misery – then i realized my neighbor was watching Steven Tyler sing the Star-Spangled Banner 19 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    Just imagined Newt Gingrich as President and finally googled “Mayan Calendar” 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jimgeraghty
    jimgeraghty    Patriots and Giants. Man, I am really looking forward to the Super Bowl… commercials. 8 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @richarddeitsch
    Richard Deitsch    I look forward to ESPN’s First Take debating the role Tim Tebow will have in the Giants-Patriots Super Bowl. 16 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DemetriMartin
    Demetri Martin    Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets. 33 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    Analysts say Romney needs to “press the reset button.” But won’t that void the warranty? 35 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DeathStarPR
    Death Star PR    Hey Heidi, heard you and Seal are getting divorced. When you want a new scarred black man with a sexy voice, call me. -Vader. 44 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    I wonder what Man on a Ledge is about 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    If my kids want to be taken more seriously they should stop talking to stuffed animals. 2 hours ago via Twitterrific · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    Happy Chinese New Year! (sent from iPhone) 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • SOPA Tweets Top 2.4 Million On SOPA Blackout Day

    Twitter didn’t go dark to protest SOPA / PIPA on Wednesday, although some thought they should. An argument against Twitter shutting off its service was that it would severely hamper the flow of information about the other SOPA Blackouts. Basically, “where are we going to talk about SOPA and PIPA if social networks shut down?”

    On that note, Twitter said that from the moment Wikipedia went dark to 4 pm on Wednesday, there were over 2.4 million SOPA-related tweets making their way through the Twitterverse.

    @twitter
    Twitter    2.4+ million SOPA-related Tweets from 12am-4pm ET today. Top 5 terms: SOPA, Stop SOPA, PIPA, Tell Congress, #factswithoutwikipedia 15 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    Probably the most amusing top term was #factswithoutwikipedia, a hashtag trend that lasted nearly all day. People did their best to make up ridiculous facts that might exist if we didn’t have Wikipedia readily available.

    The SOPA blackout was also a success using another metric. Google announced that 4.5 million people signed their SOPA petition featured on their homepage yesterday.

  • SOPA, Mark Wahlberg, and Facts Without Wikipedia

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, the internet was (rightfully) concerned with SOPA and PIPA, and the Twitterverse reflected that. Thus spawned some enduring hashtags #FactsWithoutWikipedia and #ThingsBetterThanSOPA. Oh yeah, and Mark Wahlberg kind of said that he could have stopped 9/11 – so there are some tweets about that too.

    Enjoy!

    @mjolmew
    mel broditore    #ThingsBetterThanSOPA Comic Sans 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @AdamComedian
    Adam Hunter    The only way Mark Wahlberg could have stopped 9/11 would have been if the terrorists would have fell asleep watch The Happening 43 seconds ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Buhwamoder
    Buhwamoder     Dial up internet #thingsbetterthanSOPA 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ZachBroussard
    Zach Broussard    #thingsbetterthanSOPA Third Eye Blind 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @g4tv
    G4TV    #thingsbetterthanSOPA Superman 64. 4 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @dannysullivan
    Danny Sullivan    Rupert Murdoch & Chris Dodd cofounded Google. #FactsWithoutWikipedia 47 minutes ago via Seesmic twhirl · powered by @socialditto

    @dogwelder
    Luke Gattuso    Dogs are actually tiny horses. #FactsWithoutWikipedia 42 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ReillyRick
    Rick Reilly    Watergate was a scandal uncovered by Washington Post investigative reporters Bob Woodward and Rob Lowe. #factswithoutwikipedia 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @NOTSportsCenter
    NOT SportsCenter    #FactsWithoutWikipedia Carmelo Anthony has won #NBA defensive player of the year 6 consecutive years 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Blacking out in a bar right now to protest #SOPA. 9 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    “Had I bought passage on the S.S. Titanic be assured that vessel would be docked safely in New York!” – Zachariah Wahlberg 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    Who does Mark Wahlberg think he is, Chuck Norris? 50 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    Bored? Go to an iPhone store and ask to feel the wallpaper samples. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    A hospital waiting room is a great place to catch up on the latest sports news from 1998. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    Yeah, but could Mark Wahlberg have stopped Alec Baldwin from playing ‘Words With Friends’? 2 hours ago via Twitterrific · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    “Feel the vibration, motherf*&cker!” -Mark Wahlberg after tasering Mohamad Atta 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Paula Deen, SOPA, and NBA Jam

    Paula Deen, SOPA, and NBA Jam

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @PeterHoare
    Peter Hoare    Happy 90th birthday to Betty White, winner of Survivor: Golden Girls. 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @joshtpm
    Josh Marshall    Google plans to protest SOPA by having Bing go dark for three days. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @StephenAtHome
    Stephen Colbert    Wikipedia will go dark in protest of SOPA. Now where am I supposed to find inaccurate information about SOPA? 4 hours ago via SocialOomph · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    I want Mitt Romney to produce a certificate proving that he was manufactured in this country. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @evgenymorozov
    Evgeny Morozov    Hypothesis: It would take an Angry Birds blackout to defeat SOPA 4 hours ago via Mobile Web · powered by @socialditto

    @abobrow
    Andy Bobrow    My fear is that once Wikipedia goes black, it will never go back. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @paulapoundstone
    Paula Poundstone    Santorum says he doesn’t believe in contraception, but then he wears that sweater vest. 16 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Hadz    Playing NBA Jam means something completely different to the Kardashian sisters. 59 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I change the song before it’s finished so my iTunes total plays counter is incorrect. #firstworldproblems 4 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    If watching The Bachelor has taught me anything, it’s that watching women cry is far more entertaining when you have nothing to do with it. 17 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RuthBourdain
    Ruth Bourdain    Paula Deen’s diabetes can be a powerful teachable moment about how to turn a diagnosis into a multimillion dollar drug endorsement deal. 6 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @chrisilluminati
    Chris Illuminati    Sending well wishes out to Paula Deen. Get Butter Soon. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RandyRainbow
    Randy Rainbow    Paula Deen revealed this morning that she has diabetes. In related shocking news, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she has a hangover. 5 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @NotesForGirls
    NotesF♥rGirls™    if the world dosen’t end on December, 21st 2012, I have a feeling a lot of babies will be born on September 20th, 2013. 4 hours ago via Twuffer · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    I hate bleeding for five days straight every month or so. Flossing is the WORST. 13 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    [Image Courtesy]

  • MLK, Jon Huntsman, and Horcruxes

    MLK, Jon Huntsman, and Horcruxes

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @kristenschaaled
    Kristen Schaal    I know 2 Globes that didn’t show up: Ricky Gervais’ BALLS! Not rude enough! #goldenglobes 17 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @_Snape_
    Professor Snape    I wonder how many Horcruxes Madonna has. 19 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @cst_Cowley
    cst_Cowley    Truly sad thing about being a Packers fan today for most? With your team now done, all you have is the realization you live in Green Bay. 1 hour ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Happy MLK Day! Reflect on how far we’ve come as a human race. Or just watch Netflix & take a nap. Both good ways to spend a Monday off. 10 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @kathrynlopez
    Kathryn Jean Lopez    i won’t believe Jon Huntsman is endorsing Mitt Romney until I hear it in Mandarin. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Rickonia
    Rick The Ruler     Morgan Freeman was born at the age of 48 18 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    “I have a dream that one day I’ll be misquoted on twitter.” – MLK 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    “I have a dream…that one day people will take 7 seconds out of their lives to cut and paste one of my quotes into their status updates.” 2 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My school banned girls from wearing yoga pants. #FirstWorldProblems 26 minutes ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    The fact that two Saudis with the same name were at the party was Amir coincidence. 36 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @GuyEndoreKaiser
    Guy Endore-Kaiser    If you’re enjoying this day off from work, please take a moment to thank all of our super racist ancestors who made it possible. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    “Stop hanging your clothes on me you dirty jew!” – Closet Racist 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    “Wait, which one was Huntsman?” — Rick Perry 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hodgman
    hodgman    I wonder how many times have people without vaginas accidentally texted “Off to the gyn” instead of “off to the gym?” 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Tebow, 90’s Problems, and The Serial Comma

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @ReformedBroker
    Downtown Josh Brown    Todd Palin Endorses Gingrich. Also, Wintergreen Skoal. 33 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @JohnFugelsang
    John Fugelsang    Todd Palin & Gingrich – a guy who thinks Alaska should secede from the Union endorses a guy who’s seceded from two. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RaisedByKings
    Life + Times    #90sproblems somebody picking up the phone while you’re on AOL. 18 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @mikedicenzo
    Mike DiCenzo    “I’m glad Tim Tebow’s prayers keep getting answered.” – starving child in Africa 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @billburr
    Bill Burr    Just saw Tim Tebow’s face in my egg mcmuffin. 52 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Kaneshow
    Kane    #90sproblems Having to blow into your Nintendo game cartridge to make the game work right. 42 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    DRUNK HULK WONDER IF TEBOW LIKE BEING THIS DEPRESSION’S SEABISCUIT! 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @90sProblems_
    90s Problems    If I ever get chosen to be on Legends of the Hidden Temple I really hope I’m not put on the Purple Parrots #90sproblems 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    The closest I’ve come to Tebowing was that time I fell asleep on the toilet at work. 9 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @bazecraze
    Alex Baze    It’s just as well that the Broncos won. You don’t want dudes everywhere “Roethlisbergering”. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Feeling rusty at work after a two-week vacation. I almost accidentally remembered an intern’s name. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    You ever wonder if Tom is still hanging out all by himself on Myspace? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    #90sproblems Can a couple of people give me a hand moving this 40 inch TV? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Hadz    If they ever make a movie about my life I pray Brendan Fraser plays me so no one sees it. I’ve done some embarrassing shit. 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    It’s not technically a serial comma until it separates at least three clauses. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    It’s always dangerous when boring people think they’re creative. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Axl Rose, Santorum Headlines, and Wikipedia

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @PortlandiaGirl
    Erin    Every time Snooki smooshes, an angel gets gonorrhea. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Yes, your “Santorum surges from behind” headlines were clever, but seriously, we’re trying to eat over here. 1 day ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @NickadooLA
    Nick Stadler    Possibly the best way to test a potentially bi-curious straight guy is to say, “I’d love to blow someone while they watch the Super Bowl.” 1 day ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @NotBillWalton
    The Bill Walton Trip    Roethlisberger vs Tebow: When Tebow gropes a girl against her will its called The Immaculate Conception & millions celebrate it. Edge Tebow. 24 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MisFitSays
    Anthony    Money cant buy happiness.. but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle. 26 minutes ago via Buffer · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    Dave says you can’t put a price on a good memory. I can, it’s about $5 a GB. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    The clothes I wear on laundry day make me look like the guy who steals the hero’s food while he’s asleep in every post-apocalypse movie. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Braunger
    Matt Braunger    I thought I saw a monkey, but it wasn’t a monkey. It was a cat. Now I’m sad AND stupid. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    I wouldn’t trust Rick Santorum to run the collating department at Kinko’s. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    There’s no wikipedia article on what I am studying. #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Thought McCain might endorse Gingrich as they clearly both purchased their wives at the same factory. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    “You know where you are? You’re in The Hyatt Terrace Bistro, baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiiiine!” — Axl Rose, maitre d’ 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Penn St. hires Bill O’Brien because they thought someone with a strong Catholic name would help distance them from pedophiliac scandals. 3 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

  • Kanye West Ends Twitter Drought With Rant On Design, Education, And Steve Jobs

    Kanye West Ends Twitter Drought With Rant On Design, Education, And Steve Jobs

    When I first joined Twitter, one of the first people that I followed was humble rapper Kanye West. I’d been told of his amazing Twitter presence by a trustworthy friend, and so I decided to give him a slot in my then-limited stream.

    And as anyone who followed Kanye back in ye olden tymes knows, he did not disappoint. Whether he was discussing the merits of beef flavored pineapples, fur pillows or even ninjas, Mr. West was always a bright spot in my Twitter stream.

    Then something happened. Kanye stopped tweeting. Well, he didn’t really stop tweeting altogether, but the volume of tweets went down – way down. So much so that there were week-long periods where we didn’t get one single musing from him.

    But now, it appears as though Kanye might be back as a Twitter force, as he went on a nearly 100-tweet rampage that spanned only a few hours on Wednesday evening.

    And during that rampage, Kanye tackled the Grammys, the education system, and announced a new design company called DONDA. During all of that he also slipped in some stuff about Steve Jobs and Michael Jackson. All in all, a successful little thought stream.

    Here’s what Kanye says about his idea for DONDA:

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    I have started a new company and I’m so excited about the name…. it’s got the best name ever of all companies of all time!!!…. 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    DONDA is a design company which will galvanize amazing thinkers and put them in a creative space to bounce there dreams and ideas… 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    I am assembling a team of architects, graphic designers, directors musicians, producers, AnRs, writers, publicist, social media experts… 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    DONDA will be comprised of over 22 divisions with a goal to make products and experiences that people want and can afford… 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    We want to help simplify and aesthetically improve everything we see hear, touch, taste and feel. 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    …To dream of, create, advertise and produce products driven equally by emotional want and utilitarian need.. To marry our wants and needs. 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    A little vague perhaps, but you can’t say it’s not a large-scale idea. He also took on this year’s Grammys:

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    I appreciate having the most nominations at the Grammies but I feel so conflicted by the fact that award shows sometimes are completely… 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    …illogical 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    Good logic tells me smile Kanye… the world likes you again… red or blue pill? … aaaaand Swallow lol 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    I wouldn’t have the prestige I have if it wasn’t partially for the Grammies validation and I honor that 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    Then it was on to the American education system:

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    Help education. School systems were designed to turn people into factory workers. 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    Math classes should teach addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, accounting and money management aaaaaand cut!!! …. 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    UNLESS YOU’RE A MATH MAJOR!!!! Kids you should be able to take majors starting in grammar school like how it is at performing art schools 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    Instead of kicking kids out of schools for using there iPhones… why not promote it? Allow kids to use search engines to do test… 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    And the visionaries we need to model our thoughts after to achieve all of this? Michael Jackson and Steve Jobs, of course:

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    We can collectively effect the world trough design. We need to pick up where steve jobs left off 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    We need to take what Michael Jackson felt and Mcqueen and Steve Jobs and we need make things better… 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    Kanye ended the night with a George Bernard Shaw quote:

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    “If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. …. 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kanyewest
    Kanye West    …But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.” – George Bernard Shaw 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    Despite what you think about Kanye’s big ideas (and I happen to agree on some of the education stuff), you have to admit that it’s a blast to run through it all. Legitimate big ideas or drug-induced ramblings, it doesn’t really matter to me. It’s just nice to have one of Twitter’s biggest stars back in the game. Let’s just hope he stays there. I’m sure some of this new batch of tweets is worthy of a stitching.