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Tag: daily

  • National Donut Day, Mayor Bloomberg, and FDR

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Happy National Doughnut Day, Jabba’s favorite day of the year.
    5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I think if you’ve been to the beach you know that every day is national donut day in America.
    7 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto
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    So who’s this “Miss Trial” that John Edwards is banging?
    21 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    F.D.R. would have had a SHIT-TON of ‘NO FEAR’ t-shirts.
    23 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Just think how much worse the Hatfield McCoy feud would have been if they had texting. Or face eating.
    2 days ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto
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    As he exited the interview, Mayor Bloomberg slapped a large Mountain Dew out of the hand of a husky child. “It starts now,” he whispered.
    1 day ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Mayor McCheese should run against Bloomberg
    1 hour ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto
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    If Thor smashes Bella Swan with his hammer then count me in for Snow White & the Huntsman.
    8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I think what DC Comics meant to announce is that The Green Lantern is gayER than the other super heroes wearing tights and a cape.
    3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Naming your daughter “Star” is the easiest way to insure that she won’t be one.
    14 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Microsoft’s new tagline: “Bing is the #1 search engine among people who always accept the default.” #newBing
    57 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Just saw a confused guy in the street, angrily shouting “Where is the best sushi!?!” at a metal object in his hand.
    24 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I find it difficult to watch porn in the same way a real prosecutor can’t watch Law & Order.
    44 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Kathie Lee Gifford just asked John Walsh of America’s Most Wanted how his son Adam is doing.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Zombies, Cricket Wireless, and John Edwards

    Zombies, Cricket Wireless, and John Edwards

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    The cricket iPhone 4S aint go have siri that hoe go have shaquitia
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s only a Zombie Apocalypse to the living. To zombies, it’s Human Brain Christmas.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I hope people remember that Mike Tyson was eating human flesh long before zombies became popular. Ahead of his time.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    John Edwards gets off. #NailedIt
    12 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    The tragedy of John Edwards is that he ran for President when he should’ve just joined the Secret Service.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Saving Private Ryan From Bad Food Decisions#BloombergMovieTitles
    19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    “Whatever. I’ve eaten human face meat before. Overrated.” — Anthony Bourdain, hearing about the Miami cannibal
    1 day ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    The Sugar-Free Grape Sodas of Wrath #BloombergMovieTitles
    2 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Kathie Lee Gifford just asked Liam Neeson how his wife was.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    My city was so poor growing up that Planned Parenthood was just a bicycle without a seat.
    10 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iOS · powered by @socialditto
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    If you’re under 45 and don’t answer my text within an hour, I’m going to go ahead and assume you either hate me or are dead.
    18 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Quitting ‘words with friends’ and going back to heroin.
    58 minutes ago via Twitterrific · powered by @socialditto
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    How old do you have to be before you can lick your thumb to help turn pages?
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Pawn Stars, Glenn Danzig, and Falafel

    Pawn Stars, Glenn Danzig, and Falafel

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Not sure why Chris Christie thinks same-sex marriage would do more harm to his state than “Jersey Shore” has.
    46 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Man auctions off vial of Reagan blood. He should have taken it to Pawn Stars so that Big Hoss could explain to the audience who Reagan was.
    54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    When the Huffington Post says someone ‘flipped out!’ it usually means they spoke a little more loudly than normal.
    30 minutes ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto
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    The Golden State Warriors are moving to San Francisco. What a terrible loss for the wonderful city of Golden State.
    38 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    “Revenge is a dish best served… BOLD.” – I want to hear Taylor Lautner say this then throw a donkey at a helicopter
    2 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS · powered by @socialditto
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    The worst thing about donating to public radio is IT DOES NOT MAKE THEM STOP ASKING.
    51 minutes ago via Silver Bird · powered by @socialditto
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    Professional wrestler name: Office Max. Signature move: Three Hole Punch.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Why is the symbols row of my keyboard swearing at me
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s World Goth Day and somewhere Glenn Danzig is cleaning out kitty litter.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I took the protective case off my iPhone. I’ve never felt so alive!
    1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    People asking me to come to Boston: please understand I’d rather eat falafel out of a dog’s asshole.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s Morrissey’s birthday today; spend a minute thinking about how crazy it is that he never killed himself.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I’m living my Rock and Roll Fantasy (I blast Cinderella in my car on the way to work).
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s so much sadder when pretty children are kidnapped.
    1 hour ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto
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    He’s Fat! He’s Skinny! Two Brothers, TOO FUNNY! Adam Sandler AND Adam Sandler in “Bud is Thicker than Walter!”
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Gingers, Memorial Day, and Travolta Time-Out

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Blake Griffin joins Carson Palmer to form the Society of Gingers Who Have Made the Playoffs But Haven’t Won A Single Playoff Game.
    3 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto
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    Michele Pheiffer’s tribute to Michael Jackson, in the form of her face, is really very sweet.
    3 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto
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    My therapist says my mental issues are a result of my upbringing. I had to remind him that he’s my physical therapist & my knee hurts.
    3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Whenever you see someone with a cell phone on their belt clip you should immediately congratulate them on having a cell phone.
    4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    BRB gonna take a little “Travolta Time-Out”
    1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS · powered by @socialditto
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    There must be a few vegetarians who just enjoy murdering vegetables.
    1 hour ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto
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    My “neighbor” policy is: You’re the worst until proven tolerable.
    1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
    2 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto
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    Just finished working on my Memorial Day deviled eggs. Hope they keep.
    2 hours ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto
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    Just saw Mark Zuckerberg returning a 2-Piece Mini Cupcake Spatula Set to Crate & Barrel for .95 store credit. Must have gotten 2 of them.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    The only thing worse than Monday mornings are… every other morning. I’m unemployed. Please hire me.
    2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    It was a bad idea to ask Siri, “What do women want?” She’s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn’t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
    3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    CVS takes great pleasure in offering you coupons for things you just bought and won’t need to buy again for several weeks.
    3 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto
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    I always get babies and polaroid pictures mixed up. Which one develops faster when you shake it?
    3 hours ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto
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    Hey, girl in a one piece, your ugly is timeless.
    4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Smoothies, The Facebook IPO, and Strippers

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    I don’t want to spook the market, but one of my friends hasn’t logged into Facebook for like 45 minutes.
    40 minutes ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto
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    The most hilarious two minutes in comedy has to be roll call at a Beverly Hills kindergarten.
    54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Pre-G8 conference call. Agreed to nick as many of @BarackObama‘s expensive toiletries and fluffy bathrobes as we can manage.
    2 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto
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    Official #Facebook IPO slogan: “You’ve already wasted your time on Facebook. Now waste your money.”
    18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Its really hard to look depressed while you’re drinking a smoothie.
    1 hour ago via TweetCaster for Android · powered by @socialditto
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    A teenager found part of a finger in an Arby’s sandwich. He said he became suspicious when he tasted something that seemed like real meat.
    51 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s a shame that Michael Vick beat & drown pitbulls and not Pitbull.
    3 days ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    If I get an email from an AOL address I assume it’s from a ghost.
    1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Just found out on Facebook that a really good friend of mine “can’t believe it’s only Thursday.” Please RT.
    1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Do you think Michael Vick will play any Three Dog Night at his wedding?
    1 hour ago via TweetCaster for Android · powered by @socialditto
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    Pinterest is a great place to look at shit you can’t afford and shit you’ll never do.
    1 minute ago via TweetCaster for Android · powered by @socialditto
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    These days, most people only know Emily Dickinson’s poetry from reading strippers’ tattoos.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Amber Alert would be a badass name for a stripper.
    2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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  • Diablo 3, Walruses, and Celebrity Twitter Passwords

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    To everyone who can’t play Diablo 3 until after work, the starving children in Africa started a Facebook page for you.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Diablo 3 and Max Payne 3 came out today. Unless your boss follows you on Twitter, in which case A Bad Case of the Flu came out today.(image) 3 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    i think the show ” America’s Got Talent ” should have a question mark at the end of it.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    A juror lost interest and fell asleep during the Roger Clemens trial. That’s why baseball players started taking steroids in the 1st place.(image) 30 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    #CelebrityTwitterPasswords
    Tim Tebow : Wanted his password to be “pass” but it was too short.(image) 40 minutes ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Chernobyl. Please, Chernobyl RT @KimKardashian: If Khloe & I take a city what city should it be???(image) 14 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The scale adds ten pounds.(image) 1 hour ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    When “The Voice” goes off air, the spinning chairs return to their day jobs: Bringing mad villains face to face with James Bond(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Dear Humans, Please don’t grab our tongues when we’re licking your hands. It freaks us out. Love, Dogs(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    My polarized sunglasses make my smartphone’s screen look weird. #FirstWorldProblems(image) 5 hours ago via iTweet for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Reports confirm that Heat F Chris Bosh has indeed name his son Littlefoot.(image) 6 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    A walrus is just a seal with a porn mustache.(image) 12 hours ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    It’s easy to make fun of Kmart, but at least their clothes don’t just assume you have human features.(image) 12 hours ago via WitStream ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Mark Zuckerberg, JP Morgan, and Bieber Fever

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    alright moms. back to work.(image) 15 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Mark Zuckerberg is 28 today and is worth $100B. Reminds me of when I was 28 and was able to purchase groceries without selling plasma.(image) 40 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Tonight’s #Bachelorette drinking game: Drink whenever someone says journey, amazing or how much they love kids. Also, have 911 on speed dial(image) 27 minutes ago via Twitter for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    JPMorgan Chase to be bailed out by the Avengers movie.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPad ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Breaking: Husband surprises wife on Mother’s Day by actually finishing a project he started.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Surprised Newsweek didn’t have Joe Biden breastfeeding President Obama on the cover….(image) 15 minutes ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    People joke about Bieber Fever. Don’t – Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.(image) 20 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The song I Shazamed was unrecognized #firstworldproblems(image) 9 hours ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Post some more song lyrics as your status. Someone will eventually understand your struggle.(image) 10 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    #SignsThatYoureLonely – You play with your lightsaber too much.(image) 34 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Cincinnati basketball players allegedly involved in nightclub incident. Police will begin investigation with the Bengals out of habit.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Elections would be cooler with high speed chases and nude scenes.(image) 8 hours ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Who is Mark Zuckerberg? I can’t find him on my Friendster, but the other 12 people on here keep wishing him a happy birthday.(image) 19 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Serena Williams, the Mayan Calendar, and Rejected Prom Themes

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    I’m not emotionally prepared for the new onslaught of bad Sacha Baron Cohen impressions that “The Dictator” will bring.(image) 22 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    “Lets go see ‘Dark Shadows’” – No One.(image) 13 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    16 and pregnant #rejectedpromthemes(image) 1 minute ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Serena Williams’ new single proves once and for all that black people can’t rap(image) 3 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Bristol Palin giving anyone parenting advice is like Rebecca Black giving Adele singing advice.(image) 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The Sacco and Vanzetti Trial #rejectedpromthemes(image) 3 minutes ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Why is that chick breastfeeding Justin Bieber on the cover of Time?(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    What I hate about the Mayan calendar is there are no pictures of muscular Mayans on it(image) 57 minutes ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Guys, just buy a coal engagement ring. With the pressure of marriage it’ll become a diamond soon enough.(image) 1 minute ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Between driving with a dog on the roof and shaving a gay guy’s head, I think Mitt Romney is the right guy to lead this fraternity.(image) 42 minutes ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    As a result of losing $2 billion, the TV in JP Morgan’s lobby has been switched from CNBC to “Extreme Couponing”.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Instead of a feathered quill, Twitter’s “Compose Tweet” icon should be a toilet in front of a mirror.(image) 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’m basically shuffling papers and watching the clock until the next Batman movie.(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Time Magazine, Kashi, and North Korea

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Bristol Palin says Obama’s daughters watch too much Glee, recommends they watch 16 and Pregnant.(image) 54 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’m finding it hard to get sympathy with my I-pulled-a-muscle-on-a-zip-line story.(image) 1 day ago via WhoSay ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The kid on the cover of this week’s Time magazine is really going to hate Middle School. http://t.co/uLLxiio1(image) 4 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    “That’s great, Jimmy, now spit it into Alicia Silverstone’s baby’s mouth.” Time Magazine Photographer(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Vidal jokes. Is it too Sassoon?(image) 14 hours ago via txt ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I bet Mitt Romney is relieved to know that flip-flopping now has a technical name: ‘evolving’(image) 17 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    John Travolta assaulted me too but it was with “Battlefield Earth”. I should be able to get a few bucks for that, right?(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Facebook: Where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again.(image) 1 hour ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Guys I swear I read Time Magazine for the articles.(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Happy anniversary, box of Kashi GoLean Crunch.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    My friend went on vacation two years ago and still isn’t back. He must really enjoy North Korea.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If you go to an art exhibit and don’t Instagram it, I won’t believe you really “got” it.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    HOW COME THEY NO LET DRUNK HULK MAKE KICKSTARTER TO PAY OFF BAR TAB?!(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • John Travolta, Gay Marriage, and the WNBA

    John Travolta, Gay Marriage, and the WNBA

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Travolta’s lawyer should use the “It was Nic Cage in a John Travolta mask” defense.(image) 1 day ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If you stretched your intestines to the moon and back, you’d be dead.(image) 1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    All of those who oppose gay marriage are totally not seeing the potential of Gay Divorce Court on daytime TV.(image) 50 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I would watch more WNBA if the W stood for “Wolf”.(image) 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    “Remember to buy your mom a bottle of wine on Mother’s Day, because you are the reason she drinks.” #MothersDay #wine(image) 45 minutes ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we’re cool.(image) 8 minutes ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.(image) 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Let’s all get together next Daylight Saving Time and remind North Carolina to set their clocks forward 100 years.(image) 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Today President Obama checked in on Foursquare from a spot located on the right side of history.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Mark Zuckerberg’s nickname should be “I don’t give a Fuckerberg.”(image) 3 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    My girlfriend re-tweets my ex-girlfriend. #firstworldproblems(image) 43 minutes ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Boy, TSA workers don’t like it when you moan while they pat you down.(image) 3 hours ago via WhoSay ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The first person to cut their hair must have been TERRIFIED.(image) 4 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    [Image Credit]

  • The Scream, T-Ball, and Tip Jars

    The Scream, T-Ball, and Tip Jars

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    BREAKING: The Scream responds angrily to press question about its relationship with the Mona Lisa. “We’re just friends, nothing more.”(image) 5 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Tip Jars should really be called Put-Money-in-This-While-I’m-Watching-So-You-Can-Feel-Good-About-Yourself Jars(image) 53 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    To save his reputation, John Edwards must prove he didn’t violate campaign finance laws while cheating on his dying wife.(image) 8 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Today is the National Day of Prayer. I wonder what God’s ‘Fail Whale’ looks like.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    America! Today is the National Day of Prayer! All day, right here on this account, I will be answering prayers! Usually with “no”!(image) 7 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’m stuck in the longest T-ball trophy drought of my life.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Discipline Daddy #ArrestedDevDerbyNames(image) 20 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Wherever there is injustice in the world, Americans will rise up against it by changing their profile pictures.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Amazing hats are pretty much the only reason I want to go to the Kentucky Derby. Oh, and the drinking.(image) 21 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I think The Scream was a good investment. It’ll look great in my guest house bathroom.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Edvard Munch’sThe Scream sold for $120 million. Immense! You could remake half of “John Carter” for that!(image) 18 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    the new york times has a great article about how print media will outlast the internet behind their paywall.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I truly thought I met my friends baby because I was following the mother on instagram.(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Tyler Perry, Game of Thrones, and Google Street View

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Tyler Perry’s Why Did My Studios Burn Down(image) 15 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Kentucky Derby this weekend. I bet the mainstream media covers it like a horserace.(image) 4 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I hope Jessica Simpson’s daughter has a great first day in college today.(image) 5 hours ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Newt Gingrich suspended his presidential campaign in order to devote his time to fighting the evil fat-free mayonnaise corporations.(image) 58 minutes ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Exclusive: Work is being done on next Call of Duty game. It will take place in a war-time setting, and should be announced within 18 months.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I hope the mom who brought her 5-year-old into the tanning booth learned her lesson. Next time, she’ll leave her alone in the car.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    So wait, if Roger Clemens gets off, does Andy Pettitte get credited with a save?(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Jaleel White was eliminated from “Dancing with Stars” last night. I tried to tell him to go as Stephan but noooooooo.(image) 5 hours ago via Twitter for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    My favorite moment in the last Game of Thrones was when Khaleesi decides to bootstrap her ocean-crossing startup instead of taking VC.(image) 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPad ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    No one was hurt in the fire at Tyler Perry’s studios, in fact, he just signed a deal to produce five more nearly identical blazes.(image) 29 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Newt Gingrich bows out of Presidential race to focus on being the world’s largest high-fructose corn syrup storage silo.(image) 12 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Google Street View cars have been monitoring your private Wi-Fi signals… Beautiful. Unethical. Dangerous. Wish I’d thought of it.(image) 1 hour ago via Batcomputer ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Jugglers are Earth’s first line of defense against small, spherical aliens.(image) 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Sometimes I feel like a fat guy trapped in fat guy’s body.(image) 2 hours ago via WhoSay ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Titanic II, Sleep Numbers, and Paula Deen

    Titanic II, Sleep Numbers, and Paula Deen

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    The Australian billionaire who is building a replica of Titanic must be stopped if it will mean more Celine Dion.(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    It’s almost the perfect weather for us to feel uncomfortable about our bodies!(image) 2 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Instead of being grounded, Jay Z and Beyonce can discipline their new child by sending him to a Brooklyn Nets game.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Kim Kardashian wants to star in a sitcom. I guess her whole existence wasn’t enough of a joke for her.(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Weird that Paula Deen’s birth certificate was filled out with decorative frosting and is a cookie cake.(image) 8 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Anytime Scott Bakula shows up on Yahoo’s “trending now”list I always take a deep breath. Please don’t be dead, Bakula, please don’t be dead.(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The job of “milkman” is lost to the ages, and with it, the concept of drinking something a stranger left on your porch the night before.(image) 35 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    When I delete an app on my iPhone,
    the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting deleted.(image) 33 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    BREAKING: Universal has changed BATTLESHIP’s title to AVENGERS AT SEA; similarly, Fox has changed PROMETHEUS to AVENGERS IN SPACE. #AVENGERS(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’m so hungry right now, I’d let Alicia Silverstone spit food into my mouth.(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    My sleep number is unlisted.(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPad ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    On the anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death, it’s important for us to remember just how deadly bullets to the face can be.(image) 1 hour ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Zerg Rush, John Edwards, and Hot Wings

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.(image) 7 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Next person to tell me to Google “Zerg Rush” will receive a deft roundhouse kick to the face. Please stop.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Philip A. Chick #RomneyRestaurantOwners(image) 7 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    WOULD YOU BE EXCITE TO SEE MARATHON RUNNER RIDING ON DONKEY? THEN WHY YOU SO EXCITE TO SEE SPACE SHUTTLE ON TOP OF PLANE?(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    DID YOU KNOW that John Cusack has now starred in two films based on Edgar Allan Poe short stories? “The Raven” and “Hot Tub Time Machine”.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    On a scale of Kristen Stewart to Nicki Minaj, how many facial expressions do you have?(image) 3 hours ago via Mobile Web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    It’s gotten to a point where Octomom’s children would be better off being raised by an actual octopus.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    There’s nothing worse than having to watch the blooper reel of a show you don’t watch.(image) 16 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I like to wait 35 days to favorite a tweet. That way my friends are always
    convinced they’ve lost their touch! 😀(image) 9 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I would rather someone walk in on me taking a shit than have them see me eat a plate of hot wings.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    “bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy,” quoth the raven, quoth, “up jump the raven”(image) 6 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    You would probably never win an anecdote battle against an old Puerto Rican guy with a cane.(image) 3 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Any YouTube clip is six Related Video clicks away from watching a deceased conjoined twins memorial video set to Boyz 2 Men’s One Sweet Day.(image) 4 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Guy Fieri, Take Your Child To Work Day, and Danny DeVito

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Happy National Pretzel Day? I didn’t realise that attempted Presidential assassins got rewarded with their own day(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Wonder how many novels Stephen King wrote this morning.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPad ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    It’s “Take Your Child To Work” day. In Arizona, an erection or a box of tampons qualify.(image) 1 hour ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    As Obama slow-jammed the news on Fallon, I bet Gingrich slowly jammed a meatball sub down his throat while watching Guy Fieri.(image) 23 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    My wife is pissed off at me for peeing in the shower. I didn’t mean to, sometimes it just happens while you’re shitting.(image) 3 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    NFL draft begins tonight. Low rumble you hear in Philadelphia is Eagles fans practicing their booing.(image) 2 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    BURGER KING GO CAGE FREE BY 2017! DRUNK HULK NO BELIEVE IN DISCRIMINATION! NO MATTER HOW AWFUL NIC CAGE IS!(image) 7 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Why would Roger Goodell suspend the Pro Bowl? It’s the one game that has his beloved no contact of any kind.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If TLC’s really going to make a hologram Lisa “Left-Eye” Lopes, they should also make a hologram Andre Rison’s house for it to burn down.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Bobby Brown sentenced to being Bobby Brown in DUI case. Experts say that’s punishment enough.(image) 12 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    “HAHAHA! whoopsies.” — God making Danny DeVito(image) 14 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Today is Take Your Child to Work Day. Sadly, after Luke blew up the Death Star, I can no longer participate in this day.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    You don’t need to put something about wine in your internet bio, we can see that you’re white.(image) 9 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • WWDC, Paul Newman, and Speed Stick

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Romney after watching Obama on Jimmy Fallon: “Darn it, I’ve got to get on Johnny Carson.”(image) 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    BREAKING: Newt Gingrich is suspending his campaign so he can spend more time being the nougaty filling in a Milky Way bar(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Karma is a boomerang, but dogma is a grenade.(image) 8 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I bet when Johnny Depp dies his only regret will be he didn’t do enough Tim Burton films.(image) 4 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Next year, Apple should just hide the WWDC tickets in Wonka bars.(image) 1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Fruit for breakfast always seems like a punishment.(image) 7 hours ago via Twitterrific ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    2013: WWDC admission determined by Cupertino Hunger Games. /ht @rob_rix(image) 5 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Newt Gingrich will end his White House bid and apply for a job with the Secret Service.(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    John Edwards may have illegally used campaign $ to hide his mistress & love child. In France he could run on that & win.(image) 1 day ago via Twitter for iPad ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Haven’t heard someone say “Google Drive” in at least 7 minutes; a clear sign that it’s going nowhere.(image) 2 hours ago via Mobile Web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Paul Newman is the Tupac of posthumous dressing releases(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Is it okay to make subtle linguistic stereotype jokes if you’re a lumberjack? I’m axing for a friend.(image) 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Speed Stick is one of a few deodorants that sounds like the name of a washed up rock band from the 70s.(image) 13 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Lindsay Lohan, Party City, and Skydiving

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Facebook now has 901 million users and all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.(image) 7 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I think metta world peace should change his name to holy flying elbow(image) 7 hours ago via Twitterrific ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    BREAKING: In Possible Gaffe, Romney Offers Rubio Job at his House(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If you ever take one of those “Which Game of Thrones character are you?” quizzes and your results say “Joffrey” go put your head in an oven.(image) 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The later years, I assume. RT @AP: Lindsay Lohan to portray Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime film about her love affair with Richard Burton(image) 34 minutes ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If your laundry smells like fire and stale beer, you win at weekends.(image) 4 hours ago via TweetCaster for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    James Harrison should expect to receive a fine for that hit James Harden took from Metta World Peace.(image) 19 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Monday mornings are a lot like getting kicked in the balls.(image) 9 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If I spend another dollar at Taco Bell I deserve a Mexican passport.(image) 35 minutes ago via TweetCaster for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    It’s pretty strange that Party City is such a boring place to hang out.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Elizabeth Taylor is going to be perfect as Lindsay Lohan.(image) 11 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’ve never skydived but I’ve checked Twitter on my phone while standing over a toilet. So, I get the gist.(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Nickelback, Dick Clark, and CNN’s News Ticker

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Something something Dick Clark hologram.(image) 16 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Dad always used to say, “Watch out for that Ted Nugent guy. He seems kind of crazy.”(image) 7 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Demi Moore would like suggestions for a new Twitter name. I’m thinking @SingleCradleRobber might work.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    TIme editor fired for putting Tebow and Lin in list of 100 Most Influential People instead of 100 Most Influential Internet Memes.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I bet Kim Kardashian has already blown the Tupac hologram.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The best prank ever would be displaying a friend’s Internet browser history on the CNN news ticker.(image) 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Remember writers, while your screenplays and pilots get trashed, a 2nd Jersey Shore cast members will get on the NY Times Best-Sellers List.(image) 1 day ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    So I guess Ryan Seacrest finally found the last horcrux.(image) 1 hour ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If you play a Nickelback song backwards you’ll hear devil messages. Even worse, If you play it forward, you’ll hear Nickelback.(image) 42 minutes ago via Buffer ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    17th sequel title: The Girl who got her Dragon Tattoo Removed.(image) 1 hour ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    GOODBYE DICK CLARK! YOU ONLY MAN IN AMERICA WHO ABLE TO DROP BALL AND MAKE IT LOOK GOOD!(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If you didn’t get your taxes in, you can always file an extension by dangling the tax rep from a highrise. I do it every year.(image) 2 hours ago via Batcomputer ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Ted Nugent says the meeting with the Secret Service is “no big deal. They just want some advice about hookers I think.”(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • The Secret Service, Kim Kardashian, and Egg Salad Sandwiches

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Tupac. Imma let you finish. But Obi Wan Kenobi was one of the best holograms of all time -kanye(image) 48 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    At least Ted Nugent didn’t threaten to make any new music.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I don’t follow football at all. Why are the Steelers dressing like the little bumblebee girl from the Blind Melon video?(image) 18 minutes ago via MetroTwit ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Kim Kardashian wants to run for mayor of Glendale, CA. Meanwhile Khloe Kardashian plans to run to replace Mayor McCheese.(image) 12 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Part of me wants the Earth to be invaded by a race of dog-aliens just to see them strap Mitt Romney to a car.(image) 57 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The moral of the Secret Service debacle? Never, ever argue with a woman over $47.(image) 22 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Tax day. Or as Wesley Snipes calls it: Tuesday.(image) 3 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Ashton Kutcher is dating Mila Kunis. Not to be outdone Demi Moore is contacting Patrick Swayze via Whoopi Goldberg(image) 20 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’ve had egg salad sandwiches more exciting than Debra Messing posing nude.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Comic sans is the Kim Kardashian of fonts.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    You can’t blow a hologram 🙁 RT @KimKardashian: Just now seeing this Tupac hologram at Coachella!!! Wish I was there to see it in person!(image) 1 hour ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Pres Obama said that during his administration they’ve done more drilling than the last 8 years. Is that by oil crews or the secret service?(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, makes me wish I had genital herpes.(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • The IRS, Tupac Hologram, and The Pulitzer Prize

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    That Tupac hologram would have been cooler if he were six-inches tall and beaming out of an R2 unit. #Coachella(image) 6 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If you’re taking part in #the70s trend – you’re too old for Twitter.(image) 11 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Those nerds over at the IRS are probably quaking in their boots right now worried that I might go on talk shows and do jokes about them!(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I hear Backstreet Boys are headlining Coachella 2013….performing with holograms of their careers!(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The IRS called me in because I deducted $400,000 for hair and makeup. They took one look at me in direct sunlight and approved it.    (image) 1 day ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Sneaky move by Antonio Cromartie to sneak in a 10th kid right before tax day for the last second write off.(image) 5 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Why exactly isn’t Hillary Clinton allowed to have a beer and dance without everyone giving her a hard time? Is this Footloose?!(image) 32 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    24-year-old just won a Pulitzer. Meanwhile I made a joke about Nicki Minaj’s Twitter account this morning. So.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Apple planning an iPad Mini. I thought they already had one: the iPhone.(image) 7 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’m guessing Frasier Crane would have advised Kelsey Grammer not to have his new wife’s name tattooed on his hip.(image) 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Shit. Just got rear ended by a car driven by a Tupac hologram. Needless to say he had no insurance.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If a guy’s coffee order has more than 5 words in it, he should have to tuck his penis and balls behind his butt for the rest of the day.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The Huffington Post won a Pulitzer prize. Slideshows couldn’t be reached for comment.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Brangelina, Cory Booker, and North Korea

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    I’m pretty sure that horribly sad sound is Jennifer Aniston weeping in the corner. #brangelina #sorryJen(image) 9 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    TLC Show Idea: ‘SCARF ACE.’ Flamboyantly gay dude who is a whiz at making scarves!(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Not to be outdone by Cory Booker, Chris Christie just ran into a bakery and saved a tray of Cinnamon Rolls from burning.(image) 13 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    CNBC’s motto should be “Adding excitement to financial coverage by moving the camera around for no reason.”(image) 8 minutes ago via HTC Peep ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Poor old North Korea. They should start with something smaller than a rocket launch. Like a raffle or something.(image) 13 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The shortest distance between two points is betting a cab driver $20 bucks he can’t get you there in 10 minutes.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Billy Joel didn’t start the fire. But Cory Booker put it out. #CoryBookerStories(image) 5 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    North Korea: “Yeah, the test failed, but at least we didn’t try to re-make The Three Stooges”(image) 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Maybe sharks are angry because they can’t hug 🙁(image) 16 hours ago via txt ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    North Korea’s missile went down so fast that it’s code name has been changed to ‘The Kardashian”.(image) 20 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Going to Disneyland. It’s sort of like a zoo where you can go to see unhappy families trapped in cute little environments.(image) 18 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If you’re feeling bad about yourself, keep in mind that Brad Pitt is engaged to Billy Bob Thornton’s sloppy seconds.(image) 25 minutes ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Twitter doesn’t allow time for that special part of the brain that says, “Wait, that’s not funny.”(image) 58 minutes ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    That’s not actually my blood and flesh. Stop being gross.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    North Korea launched a rocket that failed to go all the way up. I call that “projectile dysfunction.”(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto