WebProNews

Tag: daily

  • Prop 8, Google Maps, and Louis Vuitton Condoms

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @reetamac
    syreeta mcfadden    So…Prop. 8 ruling *and* Santorum surge on the same Tuesday? Oh mama universe, you funny. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @thecajunboy
    Brett    Think of all the witches Rick Santorum would’ve burned had he been alive in the 1600s. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @edbott
    Ed Bott    E-mailed PR pitches I didn’t finish reading: “Happy Hump Day!” 1 hour ago via MetroTwit ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @bazecraze
    Alex Baze    “There is no gawd.” -teen athiest 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @McCainBlogette
    Meghan McCain    If Rick Santorum becomes our nominee – it will be the first really significant evidence I’ve seen that the Mayans might be right about 2012. 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    I hope someone else’s life flashes before my eyes when I die, because otherwise BOR-RING. 1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    Another Robin died today. Apparently it’s hard to hear Joker sneaking up behind you when your earbuds are blasting Kelly Clarkson. 1 hour ago via Batcomputer ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    It is acceptable to refer to all court proceedings as a “trial,” because seriously, you ever sat through one of those things? 2 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    Google Maps satellite view is great because you can pretend that you’re flying while you stalk people. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My child prefers Dreamworks to Pixar. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via iTweet for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @JoeMande
    Joe Mande    I can’t watch ‘Luck’ or ‘Game of Thrones’ because my dog barks at any horse that appears on screen. #whitepitbullproblems 3 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will Phillips    “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” -guy very confused about what cake is 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    If you see the word “Catholic” in a headline, you know it’s bad news. 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @Comedyonedge
    Mark Williamson    Louis Vuitton condoms. Now people can enjoy their partners blowing it all on Louis Vuitton. 14 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • The Super Bowl, Randy Travis, and Fabric Softener

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @ShawnGarrett
    Shawn Garrett    Randy Travis arrested for public intoxication in Dallas this morning. Or as country fans call it, Monday. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @MrBrandonStroud
    Brandon Stroud    Randy Travis arrested for public intoxication, drove his car into three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway. 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @CMPunk
    CM Punk    That was Clint Eastwood? I still thought it was Madonna. 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @JohnFugelsang
    John Fugelsang    Clint Eastwood never realized that the actual Halftime in America involved male dancers in loincloths lipsynching ‘Vogue.’ 6 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    If Sarah McLachlan and Clint Eastwood teamed up to make a commercial, one single viewing could bum out a country as big as Yugoslavia. 16 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Love the day after the Super Bowl. Just found a Pizza Roll in my beard. 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @CollegeHumor
    CollegeHumor    How long do we think Tom Brady will be upset about the loss after he remembers he gets to put it in Gisele Bundchen? 16 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @jeremyhiebert
    Jeremy Hiebert    I’m really saddened by the news about Syria and Iran today. I really thought Madonna’s ‘World Peace’ sign at halftime would work 4 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @ThisIsRobThomas
    Rob Thomas    M.I.A. gives the finger at the Super Bowl. ooooooh. she’s SO defiant. 13 year olds the world over snickered. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @omarg
    Omar L. Gallaga    M.I.A. should just say she was flipping the bird at those GoDaddy ads and everybody would be completely off her case. 5 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @robinlundberg
    Robin Lundberg    Wes Welker shaved before the postgame press conference. I guess he couldn’t handle both the drop and that mustache. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @mulaney
    John Mulaney    Wes Welker and his mustache are leaving football to go play for the 1970s Pittsburgh Pirates. 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    Now that football is over I can return to ignoring my wife and kids for no good reason. 18 minutes ago via Twitterrific ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @donni
    donni     Just found out Snoop Dogg isn’t even a real detective. 44 minutes ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    I’m so hungover right now I need to make an “It Gets Better” video for my asshole. 51 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I forgot to put a fabric softener sheet in the dryer, now my clothes aren’t as soft. #firstworldproblems 4 hours ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Susan G. Komen, The Super Bowl, and Roseanne

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @daudig
    Dave Gilson    Komen announces new event: Backpedal for the Cure 1 hour ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    “Abort!” — overheard at Komen headquarters #Komen 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @Disalmanac
    Disalmanac    UPDATE: Roseanne Barr will run for the Green Party’s presidential nomination. Meanwhile, Tom Arnold will become assistant manager at Arby’s. 22 minutes ago via SocialOomph ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @ShawnGarrett
    Shawn Garrett    Comedian Roseanne Barr files docs to become President. She’s already been endorsed by Hostess, Oreo’s and strawberry milk. 6 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @DeStorm
    Destorm Power    Today is National Wear Red Day….ummm not in the hood. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Gisele asking friends to pray for Tom Brady is like Mitt Romney asking a guy for spare change. 21 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @WarrenHolstein
    Warren Holstein    Puppy Bowl to be aired on Food Network in Vietnam. 4 hours ago via TweetCaster for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @DreadfulSinger
    Pete Puma    “Baby fat” is the weight you put on from eating too many babies. 1 hour ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @lindacohn
    Linda Cohn    Has Tim Tebow commented on the future of Peyton Manning yet because I think everybody else has.
    #sb46 17 minutes ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @rayadverb
    Dave Barry    I think this Super Bowl could come down to a question of who scores the most total points in the allotted time. 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBosha
    The Bosha    The trouble with doctors is that if I liked someone telling me everything is my own fault all the time I’d still be married. 31 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    My school started its own meme page on facebook. #firstworldproblems 1 hour ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Kobayashi beats record after eating 337 wings at the “Wing Bowl,” or as Rex Ryan refers to it, “Lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.” 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @thebrianposehn
    Brian Posehn    I don’t need to read articles or books on atheism. My dog’s farts assure me we are all alone. 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    @friedmanjon
    Jon Friedman    “More like Sir Twix-a-Lot.” -What I’m waiting to say if I ever see an extra overweight Sir Mix-a-Lot 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Black History Month, Corey Haim, and Leap Years

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @mikedicenzo
    Mike DiCenzo    Just realized that, in “Groundhog Day,” Bill Murray also experienced a never-ending Black History Month. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    WATCH PEOPLE REACT TO WATCHMEN PREQUEL LOT LIKE WATCH KRISTEN BELL MEET SLOTH! 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheAngryDM
    Scott    Tomorrow’s Groundhog Day. Remember: If the groundhog doesn’t see its shadow, winter is over. If it doesn’t see its reflection, its a vampire 46 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @jaybaer
    Jay Baer    The Super Bowl is single-handedly keeping cursory knowledge of Roman numerals alive. 3 hours ago via ConvinceandConvert · powered by @socialditto

    @BenVolinPBP
    Benjamin Volin    Tom Brady on growing up with 3 older sisters: “They dressed me up a few times in their clothes and painted my nails once, but it was nice.” 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    Happy Black History Month. I can say that because some of my best friends are history majors. 27 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    To mark Black History Month, I propose a month of silence from Newt Gingrich. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @travishelwig
    Travis Helwig    Happy Ignorant White People Posting Angry Updates About Black History Month on Facebook Month 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JohnFugelsang
    John Fugelsang    Newt Gingrich isn’t pulling out just yet but promises he will before it’s too late. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ConanOBrien
    Conan O’Brien    .@MittRomney won the Florida primary. Amazing how much better he runs when he’s left in the charger for the full 8 hours. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I’m on an annual salary and it’s a leap year so I have to work for free for a day #firstworldproblems 5 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    Someone please tell my parents that I’ll stop calling them when I’m drunk when they start sending me to Space Camp. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @toddbarry
    Todd Barry    #3WordsThatWomenHate 1.IBoughtAGallonOfYour 2.FavoriteIceCream 3.ButIAteItOnTheRideBackFromTheGroceryStore 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    In an attempt to salvage lost commitments, Penn State is offering a signing bonus which includes a taser, pepper spray & a rape whistle. 3 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Black History Month should be called “Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover Work” 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Soul Train creator Don Cornelius has passed away. Lately we’ve lost many talented performers and Corey Haim 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • The Florida Primary, Vanilla Ice, and Autocorrect

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    It wouldn’t be entirely surprising to learn that Thailand is located in Mexico. 19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kirkmorrison
    Kirk Morrison    If you are having a bad day today, take a step back and think about what Blake Griffin did to Kendrick Perkins. #GuaranteedSmile 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    After Blake Griffin’s dunk, Kendrick Perkins has been downgraded to Kendrick Waffle House. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @sv_troutgirl
    Joyce Park    Good thing the #SuperBowl is buying promoted status on Twitter because god knows without that we’d never hear anything about the event. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @markfollman
    Mark Follman    Which fake presidential candidate has raised more cash, Sarah Palin or Stephen Colbert? http://t.co/MdrM8dLa 43 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I am becoming suspicious that if I had a problem, Vanilla Ice would not really solve it. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @pourmecoffee
    pourmecoffee    Tomorrow is FL primary, and Thurday is Groundhog’s Day. If Mitt still sees Newt’s shadow, it’s six more weeks of debates. 20 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @KenTremendous
    Ken Tremendous    I just legally moved to Florida, registered to vote, and cast 1000 ballots for Moon Gingrich as Lord Protector of Moontopia. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @NFLonTheHill
    Joe Browne    GOP primary exit polls in Florida at 4pm indicate 82% of seniors there have voted today…and also already have had dinner. 17 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    They’re voting in Florida. That always bodes well. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @theNuzzy
    david nuzzy nussbaum    I feel like I’ve stood in this line before. Probably just déjà queue. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    When lunch becomes whatever you can reach without getting up, you may want to rethink some life choices. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    You can’t spell “ducking” without “autocorrect” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    I will vote for any candidate who promises to outlaw cash bar weddings. 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @shariv67
    Shari Vanderwerf    I’m like the reverse Michael Jackson. I always wanted to be black. I’m sexually attracted to adults, and I have no talent whatsoever. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    Honk your horn at a red light. You can tell which drivers are staring at their phones by who moves without looking up. 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • Ferris Bueller, Liam Neeson, and Wingdings

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    For those who missed the Republican debate, there’s a great piece about it in the Book of Revelation. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ChrisFranjola
    Chris Franjola    Ferris Bueller and Madonna at the Superbowl? Did NBC get that Delorean up to 85? 56 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @MurphyKeith
    Keith Murphy    It’s almost noon. Does anyone have an update if Liam Neeson has punched a wolf right in the forehead yet? 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @DocShaner
    Doc Shaner    Up until about a week ago I thought The Grey was a Civil War movie. I wish they’d just called it “Liam Neeson punches all the wolves”. 25 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @beetommy
    Thomas Barber    Happy National Chocolate Cake Day? The other types of cake are feeling left out. I’ve just seen an emotional wedding cake. It was in tiers. 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    ESPN execs somewhere: “Quick, how do we tie Tim Tebow to this Peyton Manning storyline?” 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    “God, when will they stop talking about all of this Peyton Manning stuff?” — Brett Favre 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    BET GINGRICH’S CURRENT MISTRESS WONDER WHEN SHE GET PROMOTE TO WIFE! 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    None of my ex-girlfriends have gotten fat yet. #firstworldproblems 31 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @Coastiefish
    Matt Smith    The sound my computer makes when it’s logging off on a Friday is better than anything they play in the radio. 58 minutes ago via twicca · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    Gary Busey speaks in Wingdings font. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ahelvie
    Andrew    This real estate agent is one handsome guy. No homeowner. 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    The cutest things are pug puppies, mixed-race babies, and hipsters working out at the gym. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @GreenishDuck
    Zachary?    “Let’s get this show on the road!” –suicidal thespian deer 3 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    The sentence “I never said he licked my asshole” has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word. 2 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    Every time you scoop Ben & Jerry’s out of the container and into a bowl, God has a little chuckle. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Pat Sajak, Bubble Wrap, and Woody Allen Horror Movies

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter was aflutter with a wide range of topics, including Pat Sajak’s shocking revelation, and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer’s shocking finger wave. We also participate in the trending hashtag #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies.

    Enjoy!

    @Tom_Bergeron
    Tom Bergeron    Pat Sajak cops to being behind the Wheel (of Fortune) while intoxicated. So what? For 6 years I hosted Hollywood Squares with no pants. 17 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @briandunkleman
    brian dunkleman    Pat Sajak admits to hosting Wheel of Fortune while intoxicated. Big deal, I hosted an entire season of Idol without a soul 2 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @drewtoothpaste
    drewtoothpaste    Millions of people drink at work and Pat Sajak is the only one to get a news story. Looks like the 99% loses again. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheOnion
    The Onion    “Joe Paterno gave me a place where I could reach my full potential.” – Jerry Sandusky http://t.co/yLE7wwa5 22 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @theharryshearer
    Harry Shearer    To honor the memory of Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky observed a minute of silent horsing around in the shower. 1 day ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @bsgross606
    Brad Gross    If Red Bull #GivesYouWings, Adderall is at least a jetpack 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @randiradio
    Randi Rhodes    Jan Brewer: “I hope [Obama] takes some of the lessons of Arizona back with him to Washington.” Yeah, like more funding for mental health. 45 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @YourFavWhiteGal
    jac of all trades.     Pat Sajak admits to hosting Wheel of Fortune drunk. Pretty soon Vanna White will admit to never sitting next to Nelly on an airplane. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MlTTR0MNEY
    Willard Mitt Romney    That Jan Brewer is a card. Someone put their finger in my face once. I fired him then ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DCdebbie
    DC Debbie    When “Jan Brewer” trends on twitter, I usually guess she’s either found headless bodies or is doing something racist or both. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @truthncomedy
    TruthnComedy™    We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap. 40 minutes ago via LaterBro.com · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    You Will Meet a Tall Dark Strangler #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies 52 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @pstoneharris
    Phillip S Harris    Annie Holocaust #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies 28 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mbizar
    Michael Bizar    Hannah and Her Fisters #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies 7 minutes ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    Now can we all finally agree that “Sajacked” is the best possible euphemism for getting wasted? 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    On behalf of Neil Young I’d like to declare total victory over Lynyrd Skynyrd. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    [Lead Image Courtesy LA TImes]

  • The State Of The Union, Thug Life, and Skylights

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, the Twitterverse is buzzing about all aspects of Tuesday’s State of the Union address. We also find some funny tweets from McDonald’s failed #LittleThings Twitter hashtag campaign. Oh yeah, and Rihanna tattooed “Thug Life” on her hands.

    Enjoy!

    @JohnBoy
    JOHN BOY YaBOY™    After seein Rihanna get “Thug Life” tatted on her knuckles, i think we all owe Chris Brown an apology. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @dpicco
    dpicco    The stomach pain it causes almost never develops into diarrhea. #LittleThings 22 minutes ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @mrLdavis
    LeTroy Godashian    Wayment. Rihanna got a thug life tattoo in pink? Tupac didnt die on the cross for that. 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ScottChernoff
    Scott Chernoff    Trending today in the United States: Navy Seals, Thug Life, Cheese Quesadilla. President Obama was right – the state of our union IS strong. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JosephScrimshaw
    Joseph Scrimshaw    Last night’s dream: Obama’s joke writers were posted at the borders, doing stand up to deter people from entering America. 5 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @VanityFair
    VANITY FAIR    Do you think if Obama said really quickly, “Everyonebutericcantorclap,” it would trick Eric Cantor into clapping? 18 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @JShahryar
    Josh Shahryar    It’s settled. Eric Cantor is of House Slytherin. #SotU 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @half__ro
    Halfro    I’m sick of finding uidentifiable #littlethings in my burgers and fries 29 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @realjeffreyross
    Jeffrey Ross    Never realized John Boehner is Mexican. He has a better tan than the Secretary of Agriculture who is outside all day #SOTU 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JoeMande
    Joe Mande    Watch John Boehner and imagine that he’s discretely using a fleshlight. It’s hilarious. #SOTU 18 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    Ever walk through a museum and think, “man, could I make a hell of an entrance through that skylight.” 2 minutes ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

    @RobinMcCauley
    Robin McCauley    I use Facebook to show my friends that I don’t need to be married or have children to be unhappy. 11 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    “Not all Germans were mean” – Schindler’s List in tweet form 21 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Obama vs. Gingrich would be like Seal Team Six vs. Beached Whale One. 30 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Roger Goodell extends his contract by 5 years, or as James Harrison measures it, $900,000 in fines. 38 minutes ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

  • The Oscars, National Peanut Butter Day, and Mitt Romney’s Tax Rate

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @JosephScrimshaw
    Joseph Scrimshaw    I bet Andy Serkis would have been nominated for The Rise of the Planet of the Apes if the film was titled War Monkey. #oscars 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeCNN
    The Fake CNN    Shame on the rise after local area man makes eye contact with dog on National Peanut Butter Day. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @AmericanHumor
    American Humor    I think we can all agree that Man or Muppet being nominated for an Oscar is good for America. #oscars 5 hours ago via Buffer · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    TIP FOR THE LADIES: Steer clear of any Personals ad that says, “Seeking Companionship for 30-40 Seconds, Tops” 19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DougBenson
    Doug Benson    Where the f- were the nominations for NEW YEAR’S EVE? How long is the Academy gonna shut out Ashton Kutcher? #Oscars 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Today is National Peanut Butter Day. They have to stop letting Paula Deen name holidays 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jakecampbell7
    Jake Campbell    Congrats to Sarah Jessica Parker for her Oscar nomination in ‘War Horse.’ 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    R1D1 must have sucked. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @iamcolinquinn
    Colin Quinn    Didn’t see the Help because I’m not a guilty white soccer mom but I’m sure it’s very racially hopeful and sincere. Yay! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @xoxoGG
    Garrett Greer    I mean, just so we’re clear: from here on out, in trailers for any movie he’s in, we’re going to see “Academy Award Nominee Jonah Hill.” 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @denisleary
    Denis Leary    Romney is so tight-assed white he’s even tighter-assed-whiter than Richard Pryor’s tight-assed white guy impression. 47 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mikepolkjr
    Mike Polk Jr.    I’ve had blood alcohol levels higher than Mitt Romney’s tax rate. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    The best method for early cancer detection is Newt Gingrich. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @GingrichIdeas
    Newt Gingrich Ideas    Parachute into the Capitol during the State of the Union and challenge Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas debate to the death. 6 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    After 11 years orbiting Jupiter I think it is finally time to cash in my @NASA skymiles. 14 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    Can we replace the obligatory “How are you?” with something people actually are interested in, like “Hi. When’s the last time you got laid?” 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    So glad I’m a guy. Haven’t fought with a friend since 1987. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • National Pie Day, Steven Tyler, and Stuffed Animals

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @richardmarx
    Richard Marx    Wonder how Paula Deen’s celebrating National Pie Day. Maybe she’s dumping nicotine into every new recipe and then investing in Nicorette. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thekeller
    Keller Davis    I’m starting to think this “National Pie Day” was just another holiday cooked up by pie corporations & pie lobbyists to bring in the dough. 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DCdebbie
    DC Debbie    Rand Paul was detained by TSA after refusing a pat down. Maybe he needs counselling, an ultrasound, 24hr waiting period before a pat down? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Doc_0
    John Hayward    I hope the TSA doesn’t detain too many senators besides Rand Paul, or Obama might declare the Senate in recess again. 6 hours ago via Seesmic · powered by @socialditto

    @jhahne
    Jeff Hahne    So, did people listening to Steven Tyler expect him to sound like Pavarotti? He sounded like Steven Tyler. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @greggutfeld
    GregGutfeld    i went outside to put a raccoon out of its misery – then i realized my neighbor was watching Steven Tyler sing the Star-Spangled Banner 19 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    Just imagined Newt Gingrich as President and finally googled “Mayan Calendar” 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jimgeraghty
    jimgeraghty    Patriots and Giants. Man, I am really looking forward to the Super Bowl… commercials. 8 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @richarddeitsch
    Richard Deitsch    I look forward to ESPN’s First Take debating the role Tim Tebow will have in the Giants-Patriots Super Bowl. 16 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DemetriMartin
    Demetri Martin    Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets. 33 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    Analysts say Romney needs to “press the reset button.” But won’t that void the warranty? 35 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DeathStarPR
    Death Star PR    Hey Heidi, heard you and Seal are getting divorced. When you want a new scarred black man with a sexy voice, call me. -Vader. 44 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    I wonder what Man on a Ledge is about 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    If my kids want to be taken more seriously they should stop talking to stuffed animals. 2 hours ago via Twitterrific · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    Happy Chinese New Year! (sent from iPhone) 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Open Marriage, SOPA, and Obama Singing Al Green

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @mkinyon
    Michael Kinyon    After successfully slowing down #SOPA, Twitter has turned its attention to more important topics, like #ReplaceBandNamesWithPenguin. 17 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @someecards
    someecards    Obama clinches 2012 reelection by singing seven seconds of an Al Green song. http://t.co/HWfpjf20 4 hours ago via Tweet Button · powered by @socialditto

    @JohnJHarwood
    John Harwood    You just know that in the general, when Obama sings Al Green, Romney will come back strong with some Pat Boone… 4 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @EugeneMirman
    Eugene Mirman    If you’re wondering how Mad Men ends, it’s with Don Draper at a GOP debate in the present denying he ever asked Betty for an open marriage. 2 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    Why do I have this creepy feeling that SOPA is going to suddenly lurch up and try to choke us one last time? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @LouBrutus
    Lou Brutus    And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Penguins #ReplaceBandNamesWithPenguin 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BrianRScully
    Brian Scully    I wish I had the confidence to be seen in white pants… I barely have the confidence to be seen in white skin. 19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I started drinking after I ate, so now I have to drink more to get drunk. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Fun game! Figure out your landlord name. Take your first and last names and then add “Stupid Idiot” on the front. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    Pizza is like sex. When it’s good, it’s great. When it’s bad, I beat up a chef. 4 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JenKirkman
    Jen Kirkman    I need to hear Mitt Romney sing the first line of “Use Me” by Bill Withers before I decide if he’s a worthy nominee. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    When is it going to be my turn to be George Clooney’s girlfriend? 4 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Women, if you want to be taken seriously you really need to stop fucking Newt Gingrich. 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Just saw clip of Pres Obama singing Al Green. Randy thought it was pitchy, jLo and Steven loved it. He’s going to Hollywood! 15 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • SOPA, Mark Wahlberg, and Facts Without Wikipedia

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, the internet was (rightfully) concerned with SOPA and PIPA, and the Twitterverse reflected that. Thus spawned some enduring hashtags #FactsWithoutWikipedia and #ThingsBetterThanSOPA. Oh yeah, and Mark Wahlberg kind of said that he could have stopped 9/11 – so there are some tweets about that too.

    Enjoy!

    @mjolmew
    mel broditore    #ThingsBetterThanSOPA Comic Sans 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @AdamComedian
    Adam Hunter    The only way Mark Wahlberg could have stopped 9/11 would have been if the terrorists would have fell asleep watch The Happening 43 seconds ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Buhwamoder
    Buhwamoder     Dial up internet #thingsbetterthanSOPA 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ZachBroussard
    Zach Broussard    #thingsbetterthanSOPA Third Eye Blind 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @g4tv
    G4TV    #thingsbetterthanSOPA Superman 64. 4 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @dannysullivan
    Danny Sullivan    Rupert Murdoch & Chris Dodd cofounded Google. #FactsWithoutWikipedia 47 minutes ago via Seesmic twhirl · powered by @socialditto

    @dogwelder
    Luke Gattuso    Dogs are actually tiny horses. #FactsWithoutWikipedia 42 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ReillyRick
    Rick Reilly    Watergate was a scandal uncovered by Washington Post investigative reporters Bob Woodward and Rob Lowe. #factswithoutwikipedia 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @NOTSportsCenter
    NOT SportsCenter    #FactsWithoutWikipedia Carmelo Anthony has won #NBA defensive player of the year 6 consecutive years 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Blacking out in a bar right now to protest #SOPA. 9 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    “Had I bought passage on the S.S. Titanic be assured that vessel would be docked safely in New York!” – Zachariah Wahlberg 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    Who does Mark Wahlberg think he is, Chuck Norris? 50 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    Bored? Go to an iPhone store and ask to feel the wallpaper samples. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    A hospital waiting room is a great place to catch up on the latest sports news from 1998. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    Yeah, but could Mark Wahlberg have stopped Alec Baldwin from playing ‘Words With Friends’? 2 hours ago via Twitterrific · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    “Feel the vibration, motherf*&cker!” -Mark Wahlberg after tasering Mohamad Atta 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Paula Deen, SOPA, and NBA Jam

    Paula Deen, SOPA, and NBA Jam

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @PeterHoare
    Peter Hoare    Happy 90th birthday to Betty White, winner of Survivor: Golden Girls. 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @joshtpm
    Josh Marshall    Google plans to protest SOPA by having Bing go dark for three days. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @StephenAtHome
    Stephen Colbert    Wikipedia will go dark in protest of SOPA. Now where am I supposed to find inaccurate information about SOPA? 4 hours ago via SocialOomph · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    I want Mitt Romney to produce a certificate proving that he was manufactured in this country. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @evgenymorozov
    Evgeny Morozov    Hypothesis: It would take an Angry Birds blackout to defeat SOPA 4 hours ago via Mobile Web · powered by @socialditto

    @abobrow
    Andy Bobrow    My fear is that once Wikipedia goes black, it will never go back. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @paulapoundstone
    Paula Poundstone    Santorum says he doesn’t believe in contraception, but then he wears that sweater vest. 16 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Hadz    Playing NBA Jam means something completely different to the Kardashian sisters. 59 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I change the song before it’s finished so my iTunes total plays counter is incorrect. #firstworldproblems 4 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    If watching The Bachelor has taught me anything, it’s that watching women cry is far more entertaining when you have nothing to do with it. 17 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RuthBourdain
    Ruth Bourdain    Paula Deen’s diabetes can be a powerful teachable moment about how to turn a diagnosis into a multimillion dollar drug endorsement deal. 6 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @chrisilluminati
    Chris Illuminati    Sending well wishes out to Paula Deen. Get Butter Soon. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RandyRainbow
    Randy Rainbow    Paula Deen revealed this morning that she has diabetes. In related shocking news, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she has a hangover. 5 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @NotesForGirls
    NotesF♥rGirls™    if the world dosen’t end on December, 21st 2012, I have a feeling a lot of babies will be born on September 20th, 2013. 4 hours ago via Twuffer · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    I hate bleeding for five days straight every month or so. Flossing is the WORST. 13 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    [Image Courtesy]

  • MLK, Jon Huntsman, and Horcruxes

    MLK, Jon Huntsman, and Horcruxes

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @kristenschaaled
    Kristen Schaal    I know 2 Globes that didn’t show up: Ricky Gervais’ BALLS! Not rude enough! #goldenglobes 17 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @_Snape_
    Professor Snape    I wonder how many Horcruxes Madonna has. 19 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @cst_Cowley
    cst_Cowley    Truly sad thing about being a Packers fan today for most? With your team now done, all you have is the realization you live in Green Bay. 1 hour ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Happy MLK Day! Reflect on how far we’ve come as a human race. Or just watch Netflix & take a nap. Both good ways to spend a Monday off. 10 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @kathrynlopez
    Kathryn Jean Lopez    i won’t believe Jon Huntsman is endorsing Mitt Romney until I hear it in Mandarin. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Rickonia
    Rick The Ruler     Morgan Freeman was born at the age of 48 18 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    “I have a dream that one day I’ll be misquoted on twitter.” – MLK 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    “I have a dream…that one day people will take 7 seconds out of their lives to cut and paste one of my quotes into their status updates.” 2 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My school banned girls from wearing yoga pants. #FirstWorldProblems 26 minutes ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    The fact that two Saudis with the same name were at the party was Amir coincidence. 36 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @GuyEndoreKaiser
    Guy Endore-Kaiser    If you’re enjoying this day off from work, please take a moment to thank all of our super racist ancestors who made it possible. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    “Stop hanging your clothes on me you dirty jew!” – Closet Racist 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    “Wait, which one was Huntsman?” — Rick Perry 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hodgman
    hodgman    I wonder how many times have people without vaginas accidentally texted “Off to the gyn” instead of “off to the gym?” 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Paula Deen, John Edwards and the FBI

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we get tweets about Paula Deen’s diabetes (and subsequent ad campaign), John Edward’s heart problems and ways the FBI will begin to hide classified info.

    Enjoy!

    @rilaws
    Richard Lawson    Can’t believe Paula Deen turned out to be Wilford Brimley doing drag this whole time. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MPHDmusic
    MPHD    BREAKING NEWS TODAY: PAULA DEEN HAS TYPE 2 DIABETES. OTHER NEWS: AIR IS IN MOST PLACES ON EARTH. ALSO: THE SKY IS BLUE. 5 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    “John Edwards Has Life-Threatening Heart Problem.” Yea, as has already been well-documented. 34 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeCNN
    The Fake CNN    FBI to begin storing classified info. in folder labeled “Nickelback.” 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    Dear Religion, Pics or it didn’t happen. Love, Science 12 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    Now that S&P downgraded Italian and French bonds, can I interest you in some very safe “Death Star 3” bonds? 16 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EricStangel
    Eric Stangel    Tila Tequlia to become Jewish. That is going to be one fucked up bat mitzvah… 40 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    GOP Trivia: Newt Gingrich has now been in the race longer than any of his marriages. 56 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    I will keep donating to Suicide Girls until they find a cure. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    #ThingsIveLearned That “humans can’t survive in the vacuum of space” rumor isn’t quite as foolproof as I was led to believe 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Wilt Chamberlain’s 34 free-throw attempts record was beaten last night, but his record of having 34 penises remains uncontested. 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    I’m not embarrassed to admit I’ve googled “Scarlett Johansson boobs” before, but I am a bit embarrassed to admit I’ve done it 140,000 times. 3 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • Tebow, 90’s Problems, and The Serial Comma

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @ReformedBroker
    Downtown Josh Brown    Todd Palin Endorses Gingrich. Also, Wintergreen Skoal. 33 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @JohnFugelsang
    John Fugelsang    Todd Palin & Gingrich – a guy who thinks Alaska should secede from the Union endorses a guy who’s seceded from two. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RaisedByKings
    Life + Times    #90sproblems somebody picking up the phone while you’re on AOL. 18 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @mikedicenzo
    Mike DiCenzo    “I’m glad Tim Tebow’s prayers keep getting answered.” – starving child in Africa 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @billburr
    Bill Burr    Just saw Tim Tebow’s face in my egg mcmuffin. 52 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Kaneshow
    Kane    #90sproblems Having to blow into your Nintendo game cartridge to make the game work right. 42 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    DRUNK HULK WONDER IF TEBOW LIKE BEING THIS DEPRESSION’S SEABISCUIT! 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @90sProblems_
    90s Problems    If I ever get chosen to be on Legends of the Hidden Temple I really hope I’m not put on the Purple Parrots #90sproblems 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    The closest I’ve come to Tebowing was that time I fell asleep on the toilet at work. 9 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @bazecraze
    Alex Baze    It’s just as well that the Broncos won. You don’t want dudes everywhere “Roethlisbergering”. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Feeling rusty at work after a two-week vacation. I almost accidentally remembered an intern’s name. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    You ever wonder if Tom is still hanging out all by himself on Myspace? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    #90sproblems Can a couple of people give me a hand moving this 40 inch TV? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Hadz    If they ever make a movie about my life I pray Brendan Fraser plays me so no one sees it. I’ve done some embarrassing shit. 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    It’s not technically a serial comma until it separates at least three clauses. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    It’s always dangerous when boring people think they’re creative. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Axl Rose, Santorum Headlines, and Wikipedia

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @PortlandiaGirl
    Erin    Every time Snooki smooshes, an angel gets gonorrhea. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Yes, your “Santorum surges from behind” headlines were clever, but seriously, we’re trying to eat over here. 1 day ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @NickadooLA
    Nick Stadler    Possibly the best way to test a potentially bi-curious straight guy is to say, “I’d love to blow someone while they watch the Super Bowl.” 1 day ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @NotBillWalton
    The Bill Walton Trip    Roethlisberger vs Tebow: When Tebow gropes a girl against her will its called The Immaculate Conception & millions celebrate it. Edge Tebow. 24 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MisFitSays
    Anthony    Money cant buy happiness.. but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle. 26 minutes ago via Buffer · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    Dave says you can’t put a price on a good memory. I can, it’s about $5 a GB. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    The clothes I wear on laundry day make me look like the guy who steals the hero’s food while he’s asleep in every post-apocalypse movie. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Braunger
    Matt Braunger    I thought I saw a monkey, but it wasn’t a monkey. It was a cat. Now I’m sad AND stupid. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    I wouldn’t trust Rick Santorum to run the collating department at Kinko’s. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    There’s no wikipedia article on what I am studying. #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Thought McCain might endorse Gingrich as they clearly both purchased their wives at the same factory. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    “You know where you are? You’re in The Hyatt Terrace Bistro, baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiiiine!” — Axl Rose, maitre d’ 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Penn St. hires Bill O’Brien because they thought someone with a strong Catholic name would help distance them from pedophiliac scandals. 3 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

  • Jersey Shore, Casey Anthony, and Organized Religion

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    With a video diary emerging that is said to feature Casey Anthony, you would expect the Twitterverse to have a conniption. The premiere of Jersey Shore also has Twitter users pretty riled up.

    Enjoy!

    @seanoconnz
    sean oconnor    Jersey Shore is back tonight, in case you forgot to kill yourself. 1 hour ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @Just_Shaka
    Shaka Yeeloy    Crayola just added a new color to there crayon box its called jersey shore orange 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @anthonyjeselnik
    Anthony Jeselnik    I like the glasses Casey Anthony wears in her video diary. Maybe she killed her child ironically? 34 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    I’m happy this video of Casey Anthony has surfaced. She really seems like she’s learned her lesson about writing bad checks. 56 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @_Happy_Gilmore
    Happy Gilmore    On a scale of Jerry Sandusky to Casey Anthony how much do you love kids? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jerslater
    jerslater    Rick Santorum looks like the douchebag FBI agent whose inexperience gets everyone killed in an 80s action movie. 59 minutes ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Thanks to Rick Santorum, the date when sweater vests will come back in style has been pushed back to never. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @waltandperry
    Rebecca Sellitti    I’m always amazed when #420 trends,cause it demonstrates a level of coordination and awareness,few potheads possess. 4 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    Looking for a book club where you have to discuss the same one every week? Try organized religion! 3 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    Somewhere right now, @kanywest is pacing, telling his Tweet-writer, “No, damnit, that’s STILL too coherent!” 11 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MisFitSays
    Anthony     When I’m in my death bed my last words are going to be, “Respawing in 3…2…1” 50 minutes ago via Buffer · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    In America, children are innocent until proven marketable-to. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    WATCH ROMNEY AND SANTORUM ARGUE LIKE WATCH AOL AND MSN DEBATE OVER WHICH OF THEIR EMAIL BETTER! 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    Alfred, take those homemade Bat-Tea-Cozys off Etsy or I swear to God I will sue you myself. 2 hours ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

  • The Republican Candidates, Hootie, and the iTunes User Agreement

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    In honor of the Iowa Caucus, we lay into the GOP Presidential Candidates pretty hard today. We also find what opening iTunes feels like for on Twitter user and learn why the Mayans chose 2012 to end the world.

    Enjoy!

    @_Snape_
    Professor Snape    #Whatsdeadin2012 Dumbledore. Still dead. 9 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @someecards
    someecards    Congratulations to Mitt Romney on being liked by eight more white people than Rick Santorum. http://t.co/jJU3L4dz 3 hours ago via Tweet Button · powered by @socialditto

    @LOLGOP
    LOLGOP    Michele Bachmann is now in a very vulnerable place. Herman Cain knows she needs a job. 30 minutes ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    I bet Michele Bachmann suspended her campaign because she’s not qualified to be president of the United States or a 6th grade class. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @BettyFckinWhite
    Betty F*ckin’ White    Michele Bachmann dropped out of the presidential race. Now she is totally free to be on Celebrity Apprentice! 4 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBradSherwood
    Brad Sherwood    Celebrity Apprentice will finally lay to rest the rumors that @LisaLampanelli is actually @pennjillette in drag. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    Rick Perry has retreated to Texas to “think.” About a chicken he saw eating a donut one time. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @fakegrantland
    Fake Grantland    Sugar Bowl Recap: Let’s put it this way…there’s a reason why Sufjan Stevens doesn’t have an album called “Virginia” 6 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @GinoinBoiseID
    Gino     @ESPN_Colin Not even Donald Trump could willfully fire Norv Turner. 1 day ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @DeathStarPR
    Death Star PR    They’re making Twilight: the Musical. Now we finally understand why the Mayans booked us for 2012. 2 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    Kardashians to launch a magazine. The collection of 2-D images held together by staples said their magazine will be monthly. 38 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    Google does so many Doodles I don’t even care about them anymore. #FirstWorldProblems 52 minutes ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @kevingchristy
    Kevin Christy    If we can just give The White House cancer, Newt will get over wanting to be inside inside it anymore. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Raymond    “I’ll take Hootie.” – first words said at the annual Blowfish basketball tournament 32 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    Opening iTunes and hoping that a new user agreement doesn’t pop up is the closest I get to playing Russian Roulette. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • The Iowa Caucus, Rupert Murdoch, and PCP

    The Iowa Caucus, Rupert Murdoch, and PCP

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we see a lot of tweets about the Iowa Caucus. We also find a compelling theory regarding Intelligent Design.

    Enjoy!

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    “Excited to see what’s about to happen in Iowa!” is a sentence you only get to use once every 4 years. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    Only 102 out of 494 facebook friends wished me happy birthday. #firstworldproblems 3 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @pourmecoffee
    pourmecoffee    All political and media people are in Iowa. If we could somehow fence it off, this is our chance to start a new society. 1 day ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @Andy_Richter
    Andy Richter    Theological Question: If Intelligent Design is a real thing then why do I have such a surplus of sack skin? 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    I drove my hybrid to Trader Joe’s to buy kale in my mesh NPR bag. If I were any whiter, I’d be transparent. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBosha
    The Bosha    If you have a therapist, a plastic surgeon and a lot of debt there’s probably not much you need to thank your parents for. 7 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    I’m not trying to start a Twitter rumor, but when you tweet about Rick Santorum remember to use the hashtag #sexdungeon 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    I’m excited, the leader of another evil empire has joined twitter, welcome Rupert Murdoch. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    That cop says I should go to jail for smoking PCP in my car, but I say that cop should go to jail for being a saber-toothed tiger. 21 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @alan_tudyk
    alan tudyk    Iowa caucus tonight! I can’t wait for the bikini contest. I bet Romney is the only one who practices any body hair management. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Tom_Bergeron
    Tom Bergeron    Newt’s calling Romney a liar. Santorum says Ron Paul is disgusting. What is this? Real Housewives of the Iowa Caucus? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Christmas Sweaters, The Nativity Scene, and Snooki’s New Year’s Resolutions

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we participate in a popular trending topic of the day, #SnookisNewYearsResolutions. We also find out the best show about hoarders and see an easy way to win an ugly Christmas sweater contest.

    Enjoy!

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Almost done building my Nativity scene. Just need to find a tiny Tim Tebow. 11 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @AdamComedian
    Adam Hunter    R. Kelly said that he has written 32 new chapters of “Trapped In the Closet.” It’s 2011, just come out of the closet already. 15 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    It’s cool now, but for the other 11 months, “Do You Hear What I Hear?” is a sad tale of paranoid schizophrenia. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lifeinsandbox
    Michael    Does anyone know if Ben Roethlisberger can still rape with that high ankle sprain? 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @TWlTTERWHALE
    Fail Whale    #MarioSays “Don’t eat the flowers. They give me bad heartburn.” 5 hours ago via UberSocial for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @PaulyMortadella
    Pauly Miller    The story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer teaches us that being different is bad, until someone popular likes you. Just like Twitter. 2 hours ago via twicca · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    My favorite show about hoarders is 19 Kids And Counting. 35 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    You know you have a lot of tattoos when you can win an ugly Christmas sweater contest by going shirtless. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jewelk
    Lisa Krapf    #SnookisNewYearsResolutions to fall down on every beach in Jersey. 32 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @msalicenutting
    msalicenutting    If the world really does end on Dec 21st, 2012, at least we’ll still have had time to see The Hobbit. #apocalypticoptimism 14 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    Why do people still believe in Me?
    Because I’m too big to fail. 54 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DeepLove_
    FeelThis    #SnookisNewYearsResolutions get a job interview at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. 22 minutes ago via Mobile Web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    #SnookisNewYearsResolutions GLT = Get Legs Together 1 minute ago via web · powered by @socialditto