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Tag: tweets

  • Tentative Deal Saves NBA Season, Twitter Reacts

    On the 148th day of the NBA lockout, a tentative deal has been reached.

    The 2011 – 2012 NBA season is scheduled to tip-off on Christmas Day, and will feature a 66-game schedule.

    The league’s commissioner, David Stern, said:

    “We’ve reached a tentative understanding that is subject to a variety of approvals and very complex machinations … but we’re optimistic that that will all come to pass, and that the N.B.A. season will begin on Dec. 25, Christmas Day, with a tripleheader.”

    As for the games, it’s likely the league will keep the matchups that were already on the schedule: the Boston Celtics at the Knicks, followed by the Miami Heat at the Dallas Mavericks and the Chicago Bulls at the Los Angeles Lakers.

    Below is some of the reaction from NBA fans and players alike:

    @carmeloanthony
    Carmelo Anthony    Just wanna say Thank You to the fans for your patience and understanding thru all this!!!!!! Glad to give you the game of basketball back. 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @CHARLESBARRKLEY
    Charles Barkley    NBA planning to have it’s opening game on Christmas Day. Celtics-Knicks, Heat-Mavs, Bulls-Lakers scheduled this day. RT – IF YOU HAPPY 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @tomclarkcomedy
    Tom Clark    Lebron said he felt like one of his kids on Xmas morning when he heard NBA strike was over, not sure why he’d feel a sense of abandonment. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @StephenCurry30
    Stephen Curry    How I feel right now lol http://t.co/qV3cFR8o 14 hours ago via Photos on iOS · powered by @socialditto

    @swish41
    Dirk Nowitzki    Nba is back? Great news today. I’m so happy for all our fans and all the people who work in and around the arenas. Go mavs 7 hours ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @Baron_Davis
    Baron Davis    Glad 2 hear we R gettin back on the court soon…. Excited for the fans and everyone around the game 3 hours ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @SHAQ
    SHAQ    Nba is back baby http://t.co/OtO8VBJG 7 hours ago via Tout.com · powered by @socialditto

    @Amareisreal
    Amar’e Stoudemire    I can finally change my profile pic. Haha. #NBABACK 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JHarden13
    James Harden    #ThunderUp!!!!!!!!!! 5 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

  • Thanksgiving, Turkeys, and Camouflage

    Thanksgiving, Turkeys, and Camouflage

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, in honor of the holiday, we have lot of tweets about Thanksgiving and Turkeys. There are a couple of other gems thrown in there as well.

    Enjoy!

    @gregglynnonkjo
    Gregg Lynn    Happy Thanksgiving Eve. Remember, every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer in eggnog. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DrunkSocialite
    Drunk Socialite™    Please give a round of applause for the people who stopped doing coke this week so they could enjoy dinner with family for Thanksgiving 15 minutes ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    It’s Thanksgiving, or as the Pilgrims called it, Occupy Someone Else’s Country. http://t.co/aqN3qrAC 20 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    #TheBestThingAboutThanksgiving: Impressing everyone by cutting the turkey with my lightsaber. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BettyFckinWhite
    Betty F*ckin’ White    Getting stuffed #TheBestThingAboutThanksgiving 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Turkeys are like investigative journalism: sometimes you gotta shove a carrot up that ass. 1 minute ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    I’m not using Spotify. There’s no way I’m gonna let people know how many times a day I listen to Faith Evan’s “Love Like This Before.” 24 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBosha
    The Bosha    “I raised 23 foster turkeys.” ~Michele Bachmann 32 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    Spent the night outside a camping supply store waiting for Black Friday. Wish I had a tent and sleeping bag. 54 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    “You mean I HAVE TO pardon it AND it’s not mentally retarded?!” – President Rick Perry on Thanksgiving 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I wasn’t paying attention and bought Diet Mountain Dew instead of good Mountain Dew #firstworldproblems 1 hour ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @cornlog
    Hugh Jass    FYI wearing camouflage at your desk so no one sees you masturbating doesn’t work. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Who do you think is more worried about tomorrow…..the turkeys or the Dolphins? 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Pepper Spray, Tumblr, and Favorite Chris Brown Songs

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we look at two trending hashtags, #FavoriteChrisBrownSongs and #Shitcoms. We also learn the best way to see your friends naked.

    Enjoy!

    @tyleroakley
    Tyler Oakley    #FavoriteChrisBrownSongs The only Chris Brown hit people should pay attention to was released February 8th, 2009. #Rihanna 33 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DanaJGould
    Dana Gould    Is “Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol” based on the play? 37 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @RobinMcCauley
    Robin McCauley    I’m so lucky that I get to wake up every day and do what I love. (eat) 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @jamonthirteen
    jamonthirteen    If your female friends won’t show you naked pictures of themselves, encourage them to join Tumblr then wait 4-6 weeks. Enjoy. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    The most patriotic thing Barack Obama could do to unite this fractured nation is drop a beautiful white child down a well. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    A pop-up ad resized my browser and now I can’t get it back to a comfortable size #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @friedmanjon
    Jon Friedman    Mad About Poo #shitcoms 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @someecards
    someecards    May none of your Fox News-watching relatives try to season the Thanksgiving turkey with pepper spray. http://t.co/O2LHSnz5 57 minutes ago via Tweet Button · powered by @socialditto

    @SmokeyFrmFriday
    Chris Tucker    #FavoriteChrisBrownSongs His smash hit with @Rihanna 23 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jonahray
    Jonah Ray    Fecal Matters #Shitcoms 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeHipsterCop
    FakeHipsterCop    I prefer using locally sourced heirloom chipotle pepper spray. #OWS 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    “I want to make sweet hot love to you sometime between 10 am and 4 pm” (AT&T technician pillow talk) 17 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @Pat_Healy
    Pat Healy    Turtle Head of the Class #Shitcoms 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @remainchampagne
    Matt Champagne    Stools of Engagement #Shitcoms 44 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    #FavoriteChrisBrownSongs Momma Said Knock You Out 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Jehovah’s Witnesses, Twilight, and Rebel Romney

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Mitt Romney says in an upcoming interview with People magazine that he once tasted a beer and tried a cigarette in his wayward youth. Thus, a hashtag #RebelRomney is born. We also learn how long the Supercongress has been locked and see that God might be confused with some types of thank yous.

    Enjoy!

    @Jesus_M_Christ
    Jesus Christ    Dad finds it weird that you thank Him after a successful surgery. You realize the doctors and nurses are doing all the work, right? 34 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SamValley
    Sam Valley    Caught pretending to smoke candy cigarettes in his prep school bathroom. #RebelRomney 8 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    When I struggle to write a tweet I realize my novel has no chance at all. 37 minutes ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @danielwanke
    Daniel Wanke    In his wayward youth, Mitt Romney once stepped on a crack to see if it really would break his mother’s back. #RebelRomney 11 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    According to the drunken handwriting on this notebook paper, I married a container of Old Bay last night. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kervinf
    Kervin Ferreira    The uglier you are, the more of your face you should be forced to show in your avi. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Kyle_Lippert
    Kyle    Jehovah’s Witnesses have the worst knock knock jokes ever! 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @ThePowersThatBe
    Doug Powers    Once only waited 59 minutes after a meal before swimming #RebelRomney 32 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @linkotan
    Jared Loper    Once took four gummy vitamins instead of the recommended two. #RebelRomney 5 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    Reasons to be depressed: 1. Twilight made 140 million this weekend. 2. My parents are dead. 35 minutes ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    FACT: In the time the Supercongress spent failing to reach a budget deal, Kim Kardashian could’ve been married 5 times. 26 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I forgot to charge my iPod last night so now when I drive I have to listen to the radio. #FirstWorldProblems 1 minute ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

  • Breaking Dawn, Tim Tebow, and Blind Taste Tests

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we see a heavy dose of tweets regarding the premiere of the Twilight “film” Breaking Dawn as well as Tim Tebow’s crazy 4th quarter comeback Thursday night. We also examine what the NBA players might do during the extended lockout.

    Enjoy!

    @FrankConniff
    Frank Conniff    The Natalie Wood case evokes a distant, forgotten past when we had scandals that actually involved talented celebrities. 56 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @fleshcake
    G.T. Collins    Been getting fewer voicemails since I made my greeting the entire soundtrack from Captain Ron. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My smartphone plays the same sound for a new email as it does for a new text message #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    Fellas, never let your wife call you a pervert if she’s standing in line to see a movie about a chick trying to hump a wolf AND a dead guy. 17 hours ago via TweetCaster for iOS · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    I take back all the horrible things I said about hot weather. 1 hour ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    If Tim Tebow was Jewish, would he celebrate Runover? 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    Dear people (women) attending Breaking Dawn at midnight…. THIS is why you’re alone every other night at midnight. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @teenswagster
    Belinda Kivilcim    #worstpassword “kimswedding” … too short and not strong enough. 10 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PaulyPeligroso
    Pauly Casillas    Don’t forget to tell everyone how you love Fridays because we were all wondering how you feel about them. 6 hours ago via TweetCaster for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @sportsguy33
    Bill Simmons    I’d like to thank Tim Tebow, normally a peaceful and spiritual man, for committing murder and killing the 2011 Jets season. 5 hours ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @shariv67
    Shari Vanderwerf    In blind taste tests, most consumers couldn’t tell if a person was blind by tasting them. 6 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    MAYBE SEE BREAKING DAWN! QUESTION! DO DRUNK HULK NEED HATE SELF FIRST! OR DO THAT COME NATURAL WHEN YOU WATCH IT! 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    It’s a shame Ryan Gosling has never been married, I bet he would love having sex 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hihough
    James Hough    Whatever will those poor NBA guys do with all their money and long dicks this extended off season? 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @boburnham
    Bo Burnham    Kids nowadays listen to terrible music. I miss the good old days when geniuses like Sisqó and Smash Mouth reigned supreme. 17 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • Wedge Salads, Adulthood, and Occupy Band Names

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we are treated with some tweets from a prevailing hashtag – #OccupyBandNames. We also find that Facebook has added a new “relationship status” option and learn what it really means to reach adulthood.

    Enjoy!

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Just found out you can eat a big turkey dinner whenever you want without having to be thankful. This changes everything. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    If there are two people in your twitter photo, I’m going to assume that you are the uglier of the two. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @ArquetteSisters
    The Arquette Sisters    The Rolling Joints #OccupyBandNames 9 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Doc_0
    John Hayward    Rage Against the Latrine. #OccupyBandNames 5 hours ago via Seesmic · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Does your story have anything in it that will terrify an old person? If not, it needs another rewrite. 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Be there! RT @SportsNation Prediction of tonight’s game!!! Tim Tebow will ________. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    “Whoa oh oh, I’m on fire.” – Springsteen, witches 37 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    Adulthood is probably when you stop taking drugs to trip out, and start taking drugs to feel normal. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    NOW THAT SEXY MAN ALIVE LIST OUT! DRUNK HULK CAN FINALLY RELAX! AND LET SELF GO! 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    BREAKING: Facebook Introduces New Relationship Status, ‘Fuckin’ Around’ 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmiebjr
    Jimmie    The Red Hot Pepper Sprays #OccupyBandNames 5 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I missed my local forecast on the Weather Channel, so now I have to wait ten minutes for them to show it again. #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    “I want to eat a bunch of blue cheese and bacon, but I also want to appear to be healthy.” – Inventor of wedge salad 45 minutes ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @TheSofiya
    Sofiya Alexandra    I like my sex how I like my blues, performed by black men, or white men who I can pretend are black when I close my eyes. 44 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @danieltosh
    daniel tosh    WARNING! only 3 more days to break up w/ your girlfriend or else ride out thanksgiving, xmas, new years, valentine’s, & black history month. 21 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Tonight on Thursday Night Football we will see who shuts down the passing game better: Darrelle Revis or Tim Tebow. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

  • Coach K, Quidditch, and The Salvation Army Bucket

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we learn what sport will take the place of professional basketball, find why charity can be a first world problem, and discover a fun fact about redheads.

    Enjoy!

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Really interested to read what the Stop Online Piracy Act is all about. Anyone have a link to torrent it? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Mike Krzyzewski considers trading a couple of his wins for a vowel. 15 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @cornlog
    Hugh Jass    The Justine Bieber paternity suit was withdrawn but we still don’t know whose baby is in his uterus. 40 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Fun Fact: Less than 3% of red haired people go through life without being bullied or killing a family member. 5 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    This feud between Ludacris, Drake and Big Sean is so silly.
    Stop yelling guys, this isn’t the movie theater. 52 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    If your parents are divorced, it was totally your fault. So way to go, shithead. 42 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @RexHuppke
    Rex Huppke    If there isn’t a cologne called “The 1%” on fragrance shelves by Thanksgiving, my faith in capitalism will be shattered. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kylekinane
    Kyle Kinane    My attitude towards my tattoos is the same as my parents’ toward their marriage. “Here we are, eating silently at Applebees yet again.” 41 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I put money in the Salvation Army bucket when the person wasn’t looking #firstworldproblems 23 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @inmynewskin
    T Black    Kinda bored. Might shake things up by believing in Santa again. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @IamEnidColeslaw
    Mary Charlene    I would definitely read the Bible if it was a flipbook 17 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

    @Therealnuddy
    nu nu     Coach K is the best college basketball coach ever. 2 hours ago via Plume  · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    No Basketball Anymore. Time to shine, Quidditch! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Jerry Sandusky, The Konami Code, and Flossing

    Jerry Sandusky, The Konami Code, and Flossing

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter explores a wide range of topics including Jerry Sandusky, Flossing, Sbarro, and The View. We also learn why it should feel like 1998 to everyone.

    Enjoy!

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    I just used the “Find My iPhone” to search for Jerry Sandusky. It says he’s at a Dave & Busters. Not good 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    Just saw a fat kid in the airport eating Sbarro’s pizza at 9:00am.
    I should see if he wants to use this American flag as a napkin. 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    I wish Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right-B-A-Select-Start worked in real life. 13 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    The View is like cat vomit that can talk. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Hey NYPD: You know wearing riot gear to evict unarmed grad students from tents makes you look like pussies, right? #ows 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will    Hate flossing? Rinse your mouth out with blood and cut out the middle man. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @pourmecoffee
    pourmecoffee    NBA labor nightmare. Newt Gingrich leading the GOP. It’s 1998 all over again, baby! 1 day ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    Sandusky is the Michael Jackson of showering with boys. 15 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    My son’s been in the bathroom for an hour and I’m worried that he might be beating my Angry Birds score. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @LouBrutus
    Lou Brutus    AMERICA RECYCLES DAY: Idle NBA players will celebrate by reusing Kim Kardashian again and again and again. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ERlC_CARTMAN
    Not Cartman    #WhatYouFindInLadiesHandbags a device to update how sad they are on facebook 9 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    Saw a huge line of kids camped outside a movie theater. Had no idea twelve-year-old girls were so into the life of J. Edgar Hoover. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    The proper length of time to pause after being asked “Are you sexually attracted to underage boys?” is 0.000000 seconds. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    When you “ASSUME” you make an “ass” out of “u” and Melissa Etheridge 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I drank too much last night and accidentally logged into MySpace #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @jamonthirteen
    jamonthirteen    I’m the Gabby Giffords of returning to an all-you-can eat Chinese buffet after said establishment sidelined me with diarrhea for 2 weeks. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

  • Twitter Visualizes The 11/11/11 Chatter

    Twitter Visualizes The 11/11/11 Chatter

    Last week, the world experienced a once-in-a-century numerical phenomenon where every basic unit thart we use to measure time read eleven – 11th second of the 11th minute of the 11th hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month of the 11th year of the century.

    11/11/11 meant different things for different people. Some linked the numerically significant day to doomsday prophecies – while some simply associated it with the (biblically) evil connotation of the number 11. Others saw the numbers as a sign of good fortune, as places like Las Vegas saw a massive hike in weddings scheduled at their many chapels.

    I’m sure that many teenage girls made sure to make their most serious wish when all the elevens lined up.

    For me, it was just a fun day to watch This is Spinal Tap and celebrate Nigel Tufnel Day.

    Whatever significance 11/11/11 held for people, the common thread was that many of them took to Twitter to talk about it. And Twitter has created a visualization for the “once in a lifetime” moment:

    This clip is a visualization of all the Tweets mentioning 11:11 on 11.11.11. Each “1” is a location that moves with the conversation on Twitter. Their scale varies depending on the volume of Tweets posted from the location they represent. You can see the main wave move from right to left, and then a second one that occurred at 11 p.m. around the world.

    Look, the world is doing the numerology wave. Cute.

    Did you participate in the online conversation about 11/11/11? Even if you spent your time disparaging everyone who cared about the numerical oddity, you were still probably involved in this global visualization.

    I’m not holding my breath for this much buzz when pi day (extended) rolls around on March 14th, 2015. (3.1415).

  • Maroon 5, 11/11/11, and Threesomes

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, we get a couple of tweets regarding today’s numerical anomaly, 11/11/11. We also
    discuss alphabetical showering and get a great tip from the fake AP Stylebook.

    Enjoy!

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    TIME TO TURN DAY UP TO 11! 17 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rydontcare
    ryanne    My day feels more organized when I wash my body parts alphabetically. 7 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    My Skyrim pre-order didn’t arrive on release day. #firstworldproblems 8 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @anthonyjeselnik
    Anthony Jeselnik    This Penn State scandal is disgusting. Every detail makes me want to take a long, hot shower. 3 hours ago via TwitBird · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    “Okay, here’s the deal…” (FDR) 6 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Tebow and Broncos are working to implement an option-style offense. Options include running the ball or running the ball. 4 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Put quotation marks around every mention of “Bible,” just to see what happens. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @Kris_Humphries
    Not Kris Humphries    “@KimKardashian: 11/11/11 11:11 make a wish!” I wish I was black so you wouldn’t divorce me 🙁 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Maroon 5 would be more useful to me if they were an ingredient in my soft drink. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    “This is so cool!!!” – how to ruin a threesome 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Thanks to all the brave men and women like my dad whose service has allowed me to live my life like a total pussy. #HappyVeteransDay 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EliBraden
    Eli Braden    Does Veterans Day fall on 11/11/11 every year? 50 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @MaxScoville
    Max Scoville    Billy Crystal would be a great name for a meth dealer. 20 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MrPeeker
    A J Franks    FB makes HS reunions awkward. Hey, I haven’t seen you 20 years. So how was that nap you took this afternoon? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Braunger
    Matt Braunger    It’s amazing how even the phrase “But….but….raping little boys!” still doesn’t win an argument with some Catholics or Penn State fans. 31 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Rick Perry, Bob Seger, and Quitting Drinking

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we get a healthy dose of tweets regarding Texas Governor Rick Perry’s debate performance. We also find why it’s so hard for the Drunk hulk to stop drinking.

    Enjoy!

    @JimNorton
    Jim Norton    And congratulations to Rick Perry! R. Budd Dwyer’s last appearance in front of a camera was less politically damaging. 13 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @dubouchet
    Andrés du Bouchet    Hardly anyone here at work today. Crap, this is my living room. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    DRUNK HULK TRY QUIT DRINKING! BUT THEY NO MAKE WAGON BIG ENOUGH FOR DRUNK HULK! 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rayleee
    Raymond Lee    Do Americans realise that tomorrow is 11/11/11 and not 11/11/11? 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @charliepantzz
    Charliepantz    Thumbfucker (noun) – Someone who ‘likes’ just above every mother fucking thing you do on Facebook. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    The students rioting over Paterno’s firing are the “Arab Spring of Douchebags.” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Looking like a stupid governor from Texas on live TV is the smartest thing Rick Perry’s done to get the GOP nomination. 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    Can’t help thinking that in the Bob Seger song “We’ve Got Tonight”, it’s his penis singing. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    Oops! My wife just asked me if I remembered her birthday & I pulled a “Rick Perry.” (I executed her) 4 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @EliBraden
    Eli Braden    “9, 9 … Um …” – Rick Perry, trying to remember Herman Cain’s tax plan 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFunnySexist
    The Funny Sexist™    Google, you #remindme of my wife. Let me finish my sentence before you give me suggestions! 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @Ahm76
    Ahm    “Oh shit, what was that funny thought I had 30 seconds ago?” — Me, looking at a blank tweet box 2 hours ago via Silver Bird · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Until yesterday, I did not realize that the Penn State football team had a school, too. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • The Oscars, Asteroids, and Children’s Books Made More Exciting

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we catch a pretty funny trending hashtag, #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting. Twitter is also buzzing about the news coming out of the Academy Awards and we learn what it means to have a phone voice similar to your real voice.

    Enjoy!

    @IGotsSmarts
    Steve M*******ski    Answer: They lie dormant for a period of time before becoming active and irritating. Question: What are cold sores or Coldplay. 1 hour ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @DangerGuerrero
    Danger Guerrero    I see no legitimate reason why Ghostface Killah can’t host this year’s Academy Awards. 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Belichick says they tried everything to make Haynesworth work, including putting a picture of a pork chop on the inside of his visor. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @MrsStephenFry
    Mrs Stephen Fry    The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe Malfunction #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Coastiefish
    Matt Smith    If your phone voice isn’t different than your regular voice, I will assume that you’re a serial killer. 2 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    An asteroid just failed to destroy the Earth, so it’s up to Goldman Sachs now. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DanMacEachern
    Daniel MacEachern    Bi-Curious George #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting 4 hours ago via Twittelator · powered by @socialditto

    @tendonstrength
    Bri-Bri T.    I heard that Herman Cain came up with his 999 plan while he was interviewing a German woman for a job. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    If God loved us, doughnuts would be health food. 5 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @dodgerthoughts
    Jon Weisman    Twitter has made it clear that a 12-week reality show in which a dozen potential #Oscars hosts competed against each other would be a hit. 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Watching my dad use his new iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try to communicate with her dead grandma on a Ouija board. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @GarryShandling
    Garry Shandling    Since when is Earth afraid of asteroids, by the way? We’re
    America. 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    Work only lets me use IE, so when I accidentally type things in the address bar, it brings up Bing. #FirstWorldProblems 28 minutes ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @mlkef
    mlkef not milf    In my experience, cross-eyed employees are the best deterrent against shoplifting. You just can’t be positive that they’re not watching. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @bassnectarshair
    Bassnectar’s Hair     #childrensbooksmademoreexciting If You Give a Mouse a Pot Cookie 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @outcast
    outcast    LOL Cat in the Hat #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting 29 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @zachbraff
    Zach Braff    I’ll host the Oscars if Billy Crystal and Wolverine are busy… 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Michelle Duggar, Christmas Music, and Clint Eastwood’s Skin

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter is aflutter with the news that the Duggar family will be welcoming their 20th child. We also see why we really don’t need the NBA and learn what Clint Eastwood’s skin might be made out of.

    Enjoy!

    @Aimee_B_Loved
    Aimee B    Michelle Duggar is pregnant again? Forget Mexico. We should build a fence between her vag and the real world. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FillWerrell
    Will Ferrell Parody    The largest gathering of virgins is happening at a Game Stop near you! #MW3 14 hours ago via Mobile Web · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    Your body is a McDonaldland. – Overweight John Mayer 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    Cyber-bullying is so fucking lazy. Get off your ass, find a nice kid who’s minding his own business, and shove his face in the toilet! 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DearAnyone
    Artie Johann    Everyone’s worst day can usually be traced back to a stubbed toe. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will    Love that part of Sublime’s “What I Got” when he claims to “play the guitar like a motherfuckin’ riot” and then proceeds to not do that. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Women Harassed by Herman Cain: “We Are the 99%” 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    The Duggars announced they are having their 20th child. Even Antonio Cromartie is saying “that’s enough”. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My cat’s tail is blocking my TV remote signal #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    MORE DRUNK HULK HEAR CHRISTMAS MUSIC THIS EARLY! MORE DRUNK DRUNK HULK WISH THAT ASTEROID COME CLOSER! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Raymond    “Thanks bro.” – Herman Cain to Joe Paterno 47 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    Clint Eastwood’s skin looks like it made out of wet kitten dicks. 29 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mikeacker
    mikeacker    Who needs the NBA when there’s non-conference NCAA basketball. Well done UK. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @brandorogers
    b    Statistically speaking, 7% of ‘your mom’ jokes now refer to Michelle Duggar. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Tone Loc, Dr. Conrad Murray, and Pet Turkeys

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today Twitter is ablaze with tweets about the Conrad Murray verdict. We also learn what you can do if your don’t want to fly from Boston to New York, and we see the difference between boxing fans and football fans.

    Enjoy!

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    Conrad Murray has been found guilty proving that in involuntary manslaughter cases, it don’t matter if you’re black or white. #verdict 28 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheOneMisfit
    Misfit    I look at people sometimes and think..”For real? That’s the sperm that won?” 4 hours ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    It’s official: Herman Cain has now harassed more women than Godfather’s Pizza has customers. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    Changed my pet turkey’s diet to high carb, high fat, milkshake diet. He thinks I love him… 5 hours ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    CORRECTION: “American Horror Story” and “Jerseylicious” are actually two different shows. Adjust reviews accordingly. 5 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    If you don’t want to fly from Boston to New York, you can always drive on the Pats defense. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    “This rape beverage keeps backfiring!”
    — the plot of Tone Loc’s “Funky Cold Medina” 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    My arms hurt from holding up my smartphone in bed. #firstworldproblems 3 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @joshcomers
    Josh Comers    The hardest part of having a cold is slyly working the fact that I have a cold into every sentence. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    With how much we girls talk about our emotions, you’d think we’d be able to handle them better. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    It’s nice how all of the people outside the courthouse during the reading of the Dr. Conrad Murray verdict were given the day off of work. 35 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Boxing fans more charitable than football fans as some offer to donate liver to Joe Frazier but none offer balls to Jay Cutler. 44 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    “You should have moved to Florida Dr. Murray.” – Casey Anthony 38 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @zumavegas
    Diego Vega    Anytime Ben Roethlisberger loses an angels gets their wings 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    The Penn State & Conrad Murray stories confuse me.
    Are we supposed to help child molesters or kill them??? 30 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Every Breath You Take, Every Tweet You Make, The CIA’s Watching You

    As you read this, a team of highly trained covert operatives are performing high tech espionage – from behind computer screens somewhere in Virginia. The folks at the CIA’s Open Source Center are busy gathering social media data from all over the world, looking to predict the next uprising and trying to find the international pulse regarding U.S. actions.

    According to information acquired by the Associated Press, the CIA has established a center for monitoring all the social media chatter across the globe. The operatives, numbering in the hundreds, comb through Tweets, Facebook posts, blog postings, and chat rooms in order to find information that could be helpful to international operations.

    They can go through upwards of 5 million tweets per day.

    From Arabic to Mandarin Chinese, from an angry tweet to a thoughtful blog, the analysts gather the information, often in native tongue. They cross-reference it with the local newspaper or a clandestinely intercepted phone conversation. From there, they build a picture sought by the highest levels at the White House, giving a real-time peek, for example, at the mood of a region after the Navy SEAL raid that killed Osama bin Laden or perhaps a prediction of which Mideast nation seems ripe for revolt.

    Apparently the CIA team, or “vengeful librarians” as they are called, saw the whole Egyptian uprising thing coming from a mile away. They just couldn’t accurately predict when it would happen. They knew that social media would be the “game changer” in the region – a prediction that has been proven correct in the last year.

    The program was set up as an initiative of the 9/11 commission, and began seriously focusing hard on social media after the Green Revolution protests in Iran following the reelection of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

    Information from the center is given to President Obama for his daily intelligence briefing.

    One of the huge goals of the operation is to monitor international response to U.S. actions – and that was tested when the U.S. entered into Pakistan and killed Osama bin Laden earlier this year:

    After bin Laden was killed in Pakistan in May, the CIA followed Twitter to give the White House a snapshot of world public opinion.

    Since tweets can’t necessarily be pegged to a geographic location, the analysts broke down reaction by languages. The result: The majority of Urdu tweets, the language of Pakistan, and Chinese tweets, were negative. China is a close ally of Pakistan’s. Pakistani officials protested the raid as an affront to their nation’s sovereignty, a sore point that continues to complicate U.S.-Pakistani relations.

    The director of the program, Doug Naquin acknowledges that the chatter that they analyze daily might give them a little slant towards the “urban elite” in a particular area, since internet access (thus access to social media) is limited in many of the areas they monitor.

    But the information pulled from this meticulous operation has already proved valuable. And as more people gain access to social media, the amount of information available to patrol will grow exponentially.

    I guess the moral here is that your tweets and Facebook posts might have a much greater reach than you think.

  • National Sandwich Day, The Dalai Lama, and Spare Ribs

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have tweets celebrating National Sandwich Day! We also find a revealing secret about the Dalai Lama and give a little advice to the porn industry.

    Enjoy!

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    I’m going to open a fast food place called ‘Chick Fil B’ that will only be open on Sundays and religious holidays. 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Sorry porn industry, but a 40 year old woman with pigtails and knee-high socks isn’t “barely legal”. 4 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    I’m a deadbeat dad to my Google+ account: I stop in three times a year, never tell it I love it, and I was blackout drunk when I created it. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFunnySexist
    The Funny Sexist™    Today is National Sandwich Day. It is also National Housewife’s Day. Coincidence? 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    Justin hits 14 million followers? What? Why is he hitting people? Who does he think he is, Chris Brown? 9 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I sat through all the movie credits, but there was no extra scene at the end. #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    BREAKING: Kim Kardashian has suddenly cut her Australian trip short, apparently mistaking it for a marriage. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmykimmel
    Jimmy Kimmel    When I die I want people to remember that I never once drove a car with a spoiler. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    Judge not, lest ye be judged. Unless thou art Judge William Adams. In which case, thou art sooooooo judged. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hipsterproblems
    Hipster Problems    It’s National Sandwich Day? I’ll have a salad, please. #hipsterproblems 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    In obits, make it unclear if the dead person is survived by people or pets: Dave is survived by Jane, Flopsy, George, and Mr. Barkelstein. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    For me sex is like the Saw movies. It only happens once a year, everyone leaves disappointed, & usually there’s a puppet involved. 20 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DavidKlein5
    David Klein    Not sure why BBQ restaurants call them spare ribs. Pretty sure the animal needed all his ribs. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    I bet even the Dalai Lama has measured his penis. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @AGuyWithNoLife
    Elijah Daniel    It’s National Sandwich Day aka Make Sexist Jokes Day. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    If you search “Do a barrel roll” google does a barrel roll! If you search “Tracy Chapman lyrics” gmail tells your family you’re suicidal. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Zooey Deschanel, Tatooine Sex Slang, and Halloween Candy

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, we look at tweets from two of the day’s persistent hashtags, #tatooinesexslang and #6wordstories. We also see the adverse effect of eating that leftover Halloween candy and look at some Philosophical Football.

    Enjoy!

    @TheRyanFactor
    Ryan Taylor    The Tuskan Raider, where after you’re done, you grab the lamp, hoist it above your head and yell at the top of your lungs. #tatooinesexslang 28 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    I broke the light in my refrigerator so it wouldn’t blind me when I nightfeed. 7 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    Crumbling Doritos on a salad is something normal people do, right? 7 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    #6wordstories: This was more entertaining than Twilight. 8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ThatKevinSmith
    KevinSmith    The Third Moon of Yavin is where I stick my Y-Wing. #tatooinesexslang 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    I’ve eaten so much leftover Halloween chocolate in the past few days that I’ve confused my body into having PMS. 7 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    We don’t know that eggnog isn’t Santa Claus jizz. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    M&Ms melt in your mouth AND in your hands. #firstworldproblems 1 hour ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    The only thing worse than getting AIDS is regifting it. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RoseWard2
    Rose Ward    Bantha Fodder; Hooking up with the ugly girl so your friend can get some action #Tatooinesexslang 30 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    #PhilosophicalFootball If Tim Tebow throws a pass in the forest, and nobody is around to see it, is it still ugly? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBosha
    The Bosha    Why is anyone surprised by these Herman Cain harassment allegations? The bucka-bucka wow-wow always starts when the pizza guy arrives. 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @PotEtiquette
    Pot Etiquette    #6wordstories: Named my pipe “Lucky.” It broke. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    Guess who’s got a baby bump??? My grandson who I accidentally dropped on his head!!! 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Zooey Deschanel & husband Ben Gibbard split. Maybe he couldn’t take her singing in those annoying cotton commercials 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    “Letting the Wookie win” — getting cock-blocked by a pretty girl’s ugly friend at the bar. #tatooinesexslang 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • Kim Kardashian, Halloween 3, and Tim Tebow

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to kick off Halloween than with a spooktacular filled “Today’s Funniest Tweets”.

    Today, Halloween is on everyone’s mind. Not only that, but we get numerous tweets from today’s biggest news, the upcoming divorce of Kim Kardashian and Humphries.

    @TuckerMax
    Tucker Max    Herman Cains the GOP presidential leader, the McRib is back, and now Kim Kardashians single? Its a good week to be black 36 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBillWalton
    The Bill Walton Trip    Tonight I’m wearing a Tim Tebow jersey so I can throw candy 15 feet above kids heads. Oh, the hilarity. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @CARDIsoHIGH
    CARDIsoHIGH™    #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage Ashanti sideburns… 32 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    RIP James and Lily Potter is trending. Well, this is awkward… 27 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Kim Kardashian earned $18 million from her wedding. I hope she’ll be ok 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jasontarwater
    Jason Tarwater    Halloween 3 #lessscaryremakes 29 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Romo to begin receiving pain injections for injuries sustained from being hit with the knowledge that John Beck outperformed him this week. 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @BQEWL
    BeCool    A black man’s lifespan in a horror movie. #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage 34 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    Accidentally left my phone in the car. Now I have nothing to do while I wait for my Starbucks. #firstworldproblems 55 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBillWalton
    The Bill Walton Trip    The NBA lockout 🙁 #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage 34 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @LouBrutus
    Lou Brutus    A season of Playboy Club on NBC. #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    Nothing makes the idiocy of humans shine quite like a traffic light without power. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @jamonthirteen
    jamonthirteen    Scariest Halloween Costume: Guy with face paint over his mustache & beard. 1 hour ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @HairyJew4Life
    Hebrew Hammer    How the fuck was Screech friends with the most popular kid, the captain of the football team, and the hottest chicks in school? 2 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    Tonight I’m dressing as the Mailer Daemon. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Lifeinsandbox
    Michael    If you don’t murder someone today with a hatchet, knife, or other sharpe item you are celebrating Halloween wrong. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    I would rather touch a dog’s anus than reach inside a woman’s purse. 37 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

  • Adolf Hitler, Siri, and Less Exciting Band Names

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we get a few tweets from a trending hashtag, #lessexcitingbandnames. We also learn why Hitler wasn’t that bad of a guy after all.

    Enjoy!

    @ThelIluminati
    The Illuminati    Adolf Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy, after all he did kill Adolf Hitler. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RollingStone
    Rolling Stone    The Rolling Pebbles #lessexcitingbandnames 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Very worried about my daughters’ grades. They’re either going to have to work harder or get much hotter. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My internet is so fast that when I click a wrong link, I don’t have time to click the right one before it loads the page 4 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    I’m not sure what Siri-porn would actually be, but I’m certain it already exists. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Carson Palmer says he’s not looking to reunite with Terrell Owens. The Raiders already have enough receivers to almost complete passes to. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @michaelianblack
    Michael Ian Black    Happy Halloween everybody. May all your razor blades be untraceable. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    UNLESS YOU DRUNK UNIVERSITY STUDENT! YOU REALLY GOT NO RIGHT BE EXCITE ABOUT STUPID MCRIB! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Coastiefish
    Matt Smith    When did “go fly a kite” become an insult? Thats ridiculous. Have you actually flown a kite lately? It’s fucking amazing. 39 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @sodamichelle
    Michelle Fleishman    Guns n’ Carnations #lessexcitingbandnames 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @DCdebbie
    DC Debbie    Beavis and Butthead, Adolf Hitler, American Nightmare are trending in the US. Was there a Republican debate scheduled I didn’t know about? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jennharjo
    Jenn Harjo    #tebowing – verb – to get down on a knee and start praying, even if everyone else around you is doing something completely different. 47 minutes ago via Proxlet · powered by @socialditto

    @eddyTM
    Eddy Temple-Morris    Ambivalence Against The Machine #lessexcitingbandnames 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Moleskine Notebooks, Amy Winehouse, and How To Survive A Horror Movie

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we look at tweets about the McRib, Amy Winehouse, and Moleskine Notebooks. We also see two funny tweets from two of today’s most persistent trending hashtags.

    Enjoy!

    @sween
    Jason Sweeney    So many people are complaining about the McRib I assume it’s made of old episodes of “Whitney”. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lifeinsandbox
    Michael    Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people’s noses 50 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    I’m guessing the worldwide average is about one great idea per every 2.7 million Moleskine notebooks. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    There’s a mild sense of relief when a relationship ends that you don’t have to do any of the bullshit you promised. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My girlfriend keeps calling my new Touchpad an iPad. #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @funnybrad
    Brad Williams    Female Costume Guide: Black Bra (Slutty Cat) Green Bra (Slutty Tree) Red Bra (Slutty Apple) Blue Bra (Slutty Smurf) Yellow Bra (Slutty Bee) 3 hours ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    “Serial killer” is a multiple murderer. “Cereal Killer” is a novelty song we really regret downloading when we were drunk. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    #GhettoRamenNoodleFlavors Purple. Like the drank. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jondaly
    Jon Daly    Kids, Knife-Sex Qaddafi is not an acceptable Halloween costume. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Carson Palmer reports to practice during Raiders bye week, but just to tailgate. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    In shocking news it’s been confirmed Amy Winehouse died of substance abuse.
    In other shocking news it’s been confirmed fire is hot. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Better to be silent & thought a fool than open your mouth & eat a McRib. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BretEastonEllis
    Bret Easton Ellis    #StepsToSurviveAHorrorMovie: if you hear “Don’t Fear the Reaper” coming from a car stereo and it’s Oct 31 and you’re hot: get the fuck out. 11 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Lindsay Lohan, Creed, and Nazis

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, the Twitterverse has a lot to say about Lindsay Lohan’s possible Playboy spread. We also find out something interesting about the existence of the band Creed.

    Enjoy!

    @kevinleaptrot
    Kevin Leaptrot    Yoko Ono #PeopleIdRatherSeeInPlayboyThanLindsayLohan 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Jesus must have been on Ambien the day he allowed Creed to exist. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    Loving your kids is easy. Even easier when they’re good at sports. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Never fall in love with a mermaid until you’re confident you can find their vagina. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Looking forward to the GTA V trailer like a pregnant woman’s first ultrasound. 9 months of waiting until that bundle of joy ruins a life. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmykimmel
    Jimmy Kimmel    Dear guy riding a unicycle. Stop. Sincerely, Everyone 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @michaelianblack
    Michael Ian Black    I will watch pretty much any movie or television show about Nazis. Good job, Nazis. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Michael Jackson (now) #PeopleIdRatherSeeInPlayboyThanLindsayLohan 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ApexToApex
    Derek Wilson    It’s interesting how #McRib and #LindsayLohanPosingNudeinPlayboy are both trending, because they’re pretty much the same thing. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @joshcomers
    Josh Comers    Lindsay Lohan is posing nude for Playboy. To make her comfortable, the photographer will ask her to face forward, then look to the side. 15 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    Maybe Sinead O’Connor just didn’t like similes. 22 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Both “jack-o-lantern” and “jack o’lantern” are correct spellings. “Jacko lantern” is a rare jaw disorder. 27 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto