WebProNews

Tag: tweets

  • Prometheus, Hangovers, and Billy Joel Videos

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

  • LinkedIn, Taco Bell, and Classic Rock Tech Support

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Will the new upscale menu at Taco Bell be rolled out in time for my wedding anniversary on the 30th?
    21 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I missed the CMT Music Awards! Who won Hate Crime of the Year?
    41 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    off to @Bonnaroo . will text you when i’m tripping balls #hipsterproblems
    23 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I bet all the guys from Nickelback wear crocs.
    1 day ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto
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    Warning: LinkedIn was hacked. Be on the lookout for spam emails that are slightly different than the spam emails LinkedIn usually sends.
    1 day ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I am pretty sure the Taco Bell test kitchen employees are just a bunch of stoners who grab whatever they can and throw it in a tortilla.
    3 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto
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    Ever year for Father’s Day, the Lohan daughters give their dad a Thank You card and single bullet.
    7 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Weird that inside each of us is a skeleton that will one day wander the earth carrying a rusty sword.
    36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    When you see a public display of affection, don’t get mad at the guy. He didn’t wanna leave the house.
    2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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  • The Octomom, Transit of Venus, and Father’s Day

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Congratulations to Hugh Hefner on Crystal Harris running out of money
    2 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    My favorite part about an outdoor dubstep music festival is when I’m not there and it rains all weekend.
    36 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Facebook stock continues to drop despite a large number of status updates declaring “fab brunches” having occured over the weekend.
    4 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto
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    I’m sorry Nintendo, but your press conference was in another castle. #E3
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Octomom’s stripper name is Regret.
    3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Let’s just hope Batman never decides to try bath salts.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    One of the rejected Sarah Jessica Parker ads for Obama featured her saying, “When it comes to Romney I vote, ‘neigh’.”
    5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    The Transit of Venus is today, but I already have plans. I’ll just catch the next one in 2117.
    48 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Oh my God, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big. Also check out her tits. Becky, I think I’m a lesbian.
    1 minute ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto
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    Dance like no one is watching or just stop dancing in public you weirdo.
    16 minutes ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto
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    Octomom’s plan to get child services to come and get rid of her kids for her is really coming together, you guys.
    3 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto
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    Not into Father’s Day. I don’t believe in a holiday that glorifies torn condoms.
    1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    BIG DEAL GWYNETH PALTROW! DRUNK HULK HAVE NU**ELLA IN PARIS FOR REAL TOO! ON CREPE! WITH BANANA!
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Twizgrid Upgrade Gives Twitter an Aesthetic Contrast

    Twizgrid, the increasingly popular photo browser for Twitter, released a comprehensive new upgrade that will have tweeters marveling at its sheer utility. While Twitter is usually a place where words are the centerpiece of interest, Twizgrid has a goal to bring contrast to that notion by providing a uniquely visual experience on the platform.

    Their latest group of enhancements makes sharing photos on Twitter even more appealing by including a massive increase in available photo content, convenient access to a user’s home timeline, and a recent album to view images in real time. Users can view Twitter photos by topic, person, or location with Twizgrid.

    A dynamic album titled, “Around Me” shows a chronology of nearby photos but addresses privacy concerns utilizing a user-driven approach which allows the photos originator to selectively identify their location on a case by case basis.

    Twizgrid Co-Founder Chauncey Regan comments on the “Around Me” album and other upgrades to their service:

    “This feature supplements dominant nearby apps, such as Banjo and Highlight, as well as Twitter’s nearby tweet feature. Twizgrid now offers an enticing way to view what’s happening in the immediate vicinity, whether it’s a raging party or a raging fire.”

    “Our unwavering objective is to be the most cohesive, comprehensive and compelling platform to display Twitter photos.”

    Twizgrid is available for free on the iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch. Visit the iTunes store to download the app.

  • Have You Seen This Matt Cutts Parody Twitter Account? [SEO Humor]

    Matt Cutts has quite a following for a search engine engineer, and with good reason. He’s in a pretty powerful position, leading the webspam team at Google, and being a “Distinguished Engineer” at the company and all. When webmasters want to know why the things they’re doing (or aren’t doing) are affecting their search rankings, Cutts (either directly or indirectly) is often the first person they turn to for advice.

    With this popularity, comes parody. Sure, we’ve seen the fake Matt Cutts commenting throughout the Blogosphere, pretending to be the real Matt Cutts, but other impostors are more transparent, and are clearly just having fun with no ill will intended.

    Take, for example, this Matt Cutts parody video:

    There’s a Matt Cutts parody account on Twitter: @rnattcutts. It’s been around for a while, and has amassed over 600 followers so far. It looks like the account started in mid April, close to Penguin time. Here are some of the tweets:

    Team (WEBSP)AM-erica – Fuck Yeah!!!
    47 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Now I’ve taken away all your Anchor Text you’ve no choice but to create Great Content! Muahahaha!!
    47 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Remember to add all those 5 star Rich Snippets to your home page 🙂
    47 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    SEO’s have you considered a career in PPC?
    47 days ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Popcorn’s on & time for me to settle down for my favorite soap opera’s – Hello! Black hat forums
    47 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Stupid @Twitter having Avatar issues – wouldn’t happen on Google plus!
    47 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Time for another day of wack-a-mole aka work!
    47 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Dear SEO’s stop moaning & use @blekko if you hate our product!
    46 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    .@skrenta got any jobs?
    46 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Am I made of cheese? I drank so much Sprite at Fat Steve’s party last night I think I’m hallucinating
    45 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Ok, SEO’s what’s the weirdest thing in your office? Winner gets an unnatural link warning sent to their competitor of choice.
    45 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Does anyone fancy meeting up later for a nice long conversation about great content?
    45 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Woot!! Finally won the Banana cup on Mario Kart Wii. What are your greatest lifetime achievements?
    44 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Going to feed the Panda again soon, boys & girls. Would appreciate you load some crap content to your site ASAP
    44 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    If you’ve been caught up in the webspam updates we want to help you http://t.co/sVT9LfdK
    40 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Sorry for the lack of tweets this weekend. I had food poisoning after visiting a restaurant with over 63,000 five star rich snippet reviews.
    35 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Listening to some Tupac whilst burning down Link Farms…. Gangsta Matt is in the Hiz-zouse!!
    33 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    If I have to sit through another one of Sergey’s PowerPoint presentations I’m going all “Falling Down” in this goddamn place!!
    24 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    God these SEO’s are bunch of whiny pricks
    3 days ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    As I said, the account is not maliciously impersonating Cutts. The bio says: “I’m the head of the web sparn team at Google. I love fried chicken & hate anchor text (parody).”

    Cutts tends to be a good sport about it all. Someone tweeted him a Google algorithm parody article about the “Scissors Update,” and he acknowledged that he has a pretty thick skin:

     

     

     

     

    @cstechjoel if I had a thin skin I would have switched to a different job years ago. 🙂
    10 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Richard Dawson, Microsoft, and Confused Urologists

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    [Image via reddit]

    If sony or nintendo want to top microsoft @ E3 theyre gonna have to bring that dead cat helicopter on stage & control it with voice commands
    47 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    This confused urologist has no idea where I’m coming from.
    27 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Internet Explorer coming to XBOX Live. Soon to be followed by fire and the wheel.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Richard Dawson. A real man. Would kiss your wife while looking YOU in the eye. And you’d do NOTHING. Because he is Richard Dawson.
    1 day ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Twitter is an amazing source of useful information, the way a haystack is an amazing source of needles.
    49 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.
    1 day ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    “Is Tiger Woods Back?” is the trucker hat of sports.
    3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    There are fates far worse than death. For example, having your death reported in an online article with comments enabled.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Have to wait until next year for new Game of Thrones episodes. #firstworldproblems
    15 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto
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    Laughter is the best medicine, but so is watching your enemies slowly become fat through Facebook updates.
    9 minutes ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto
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    IS IT JUST DRUNK HULK! OR WAS FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS 20 YEARS AHEAD OF THEIR TIME?
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Next time you see your therapist, see how deep into the session you can go by only saying lyrics from Creed songs.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Police nabbed the porn actor who dismembered and ate his Chinese lover because they knew he’d be hungry again an hour later.
    3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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  • Someone At ASUS Likes Big Butts And He Cannot Resist Tweeting About It

    Some social media manager for ASUS might be getting chewed out after one of their tweets had to be deleted for a semi-racy comment about a display girl’s rear.

    Okay, it’s actually just funny. But whoever ended up yanking the tweet probably knows that companies have to be careful – people are prone to oversensitivity.

    The ASUS Twitter account, covering their presentation at the Computex 2012 tech conference in Taipei, had something to say about a photo snapped from behind their new Transformer AiO PC/tablet.

    “The rear looks pretty nice,” the social media guru wrote. “So does the new Transformer AIO.” Boom. Twitter users @0xabad1dea caught a screencap of the tweet before ASUS had time to delete it:

    It seems pretty harmless to me but you can see why ASUS’s social media team had to act fast. One Twitter user has already commented that “I’m glad they deleted it. Very poor judgement. Women aren’t just decorations.” Crisis averted?

    ASUS just tweeted about the comment:

    We apologise for the inappropriate comment on Twitter earlier. We will take steps to ensure this doesn’t happen again.
    2 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Butt tweets aside, what ASUS unveiled today is pretty interesting. After much speculation, the Transformer AiO arrives boasting a dual operating system. It boots up in Windows 8 and can transfer to Android with the touch of a button. It’s an 18.4-inch PC that can be detached and turned into a giant tablet, if one was so inclined.

    [h/t Business Insider]

  • Google: Don’t Let Us Make Imaginary Evils

    There has historically been a lot of talk about whether or not Google is evil. The company brought this upon itself, by making “do no evil” a part of its public policies.

    Interestingly, the Google Book Search Twitter account tweeted the following this morning:

    Don’t let us make imaginary evils, when you know we have so many real ones to encounter. http://t.co/8yL034LS
    41 minutes ago via Google Books · powered by @socialditto
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    The tweet, as the link reveals, is actually a quote from a book of essays, poems and plays by Oliver Goldsmith, author of the 1766 novel The Vicar of Wakefield. The full quote, from The Good-Natured Man, is:

    “Don’t, my life’s treasure, don’t let us make imaginary evils, when you know we have so many real ones to encounter.”

    It’s not uncommon for the Google Book Search Twitter account to tweet quotes from various publications in its database, but this one, being about evil, caught my eye, given the company’s relationship with the word.

    In its 2004 Founders’ IPO letter, Google included a section carrying the header, “Don’t Be Evil.” Here’s what it said:

    Don’t be evil. We believe strongly that in the long term, we will be better served-as shareholders and in all other ways-by a company that does good things for the world even if we forgo some short term gains. This is an important aspect of our culture and is broadly shared within the company.

    Google users trust our systems to help them with important decisions: medical, financial and many others. Our search results are the best we know how to produce. They are unbiased and objective, and we do not accept payment for them or for inclusion or more frequent updating. We also display advertising, which we work hard to make relevant, and we label it clearly. This is similar to a well-run newspaper, where the advertisements are clear and the articles are not influenced by the advertisers’ payments. We believe it is important for everyone to have access to the best information and research, not only to the information people pay for you to see.

    The part about not accepting payment for inclusion has been in the spotlight in recent weeks, now that Google seems to have somewhat reversed its stance on that, with its new Google Shopping results. It’s interesting that one thing Google once considered evil, appears not be seen in that light by the company any longer. It’s worth noting, however, that not everyone (even outside of Google) thinks this is necessarily evil either.

    Google’s own code of conduct both begins and ends with bits about not being evil. The preface says:

    “Don’t be evil.” Googlers generally apply those words to how we serve our users. But “Don’t be evil” is much more than that. Yes, it’s about providing our users unbiased access to information, focusing on their needs and giving them the best products and services that we can. But it’s also about doing the right thing more generally – following the law, acting honorably and treating each other with respect.

    The Google Code of Conduct is one of the ways we put “Don’t be evil” into practice. It’s built around the recognition that everything we do in connection with our work at Google will be, and should be, measured against the highest possible standards of ethical business conduct. We set the bar that high for practical as well as aspirational reasons: Our commitment to the highest standards helps us hire great people, build great products, and attract loyal users. Trust and mutual respect among employees and users are the foundation of our success, and they are something we need to earn every day.

    The code of conduct (last updated just over a month ago), concludes: “And remember… don’t be evil, and if you see something that you think isn’t right – speak up!”

    Given that the tweet came from the Google Book Search account, it also seems worth bringing up the fact that last week, a judge granted class action status to authors suing Google over the company’s book scanning.

    Related: Does Google Deserve To Be Labeled Evil?

  • National Donut Day, Mayor Bloomberg, and FDR

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Happy National Doughnut Day, Jabba’s favorite day of the year.
    5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I think if you’ve been to the beach you know that every day is national donut day in America.
    7 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto
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    So who’s this “Miss Trial” that John Edwards is banging?
    21 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    F.D.R. would have had a SHIT-TON of ‘NO FEAR’ t-shirts.
    23 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Just think how much worse the Hatfield McCoy feud would have been if they had texting. Or face eating.
    2 days ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto
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    As he exited the interview, Mayor Bloomberg slapped a large Mountain Dew out of the hand of a husky child. “It starts now,” he whispered.
    1 day ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Mayor McCheese should run against Bloomberg
    1 hour ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto
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    If Thor smashes Bella Swan with his hammer then count me in for Snow White & the Huntsman.
    8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I think what DC Comics meant to announce is that The Green Lantern is gayER than the other super heroes wearing tights and a cape.
    3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Naming your daughter “Star” is the easiest way to insure that she won’t be one.
    14 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Microsoft’s new tagline: “Bing is the #1 search engine among people who always accept the default.” #newBing
    57 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Just saw a confused guy in the street, angrily shouting “Where is the best sushi!?!” at a metal object in his hand.
    24 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I find it difficult to watch porn in the same way a real prosecutor can’t watch Law & Order.
    44 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Kathie Lee Gifford just asked John Walsh of America’s Most Wanted how his son Adam is doing.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Zombies, Cricket Wireless, and John Edwards

    Zombies, Cricket Wireless, and John Edwards

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    The cricket iPhone 4S aint go have siri that hoe go have shaquitia
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s only a Zombie Apocalypse to the living. To zombies, it’s Human Brain Christmas.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I hope people remember that Mike Tyson was eating human flesh long before zombies became popular. Ahead of his time.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    John Edwards gets off. #NailedIt
    12 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    The tragedy of John Edwards is that he ran for President when he should’ve just joined the Secret Service.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Saving Private Ryan From Bad Food Decisions#BloombergMovieTitles
    19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    “Whatever. I’ve eaten human face meat before. Overrated.” — Anthony Bourdain, hearing about the Miami cannibal
    1 day ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    The Sugar-Free Grape Sodas of Wrath #BloombergMovieTitles
    2 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Kathie Lee Gifford just asked Liam Neeson how his wife was.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    My city was so poor growing up that Planned Parenthood was just a bicycle without a seat.
    10 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iOS · powered by @socialditto
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    If you’re under 45 and don’t answer my text within an hour, I’m going to go ahead and assume you either hate me or are dead.
    18 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Quitting ‘words with friends’ and going back to heroin.
    58 minutes ago via Twitterrific · powered by @socialditto
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    How old do you have to be before you can lick your thumb to help turn pages?
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Twitter Daily Use Surges to 8%, up from 2% in 2010 [Pew Internet Study]

    Pew Internet Research just released the findings of their study on Twitter, and how people are assimilating the social platform into their lives.

    Looking back at 2011, then at February of this year, Twitter’s adoption numbers remain similar, with 13% in 2011 and 15% this year. What has changed is the number of people who have decided to make Twitter part of their daily routine.

    In May 2010, only 2% of online adults claimed they used Twitter on a daily basis. By May 2011, that number doubled to 4%, and as of February this year, daily Twitter use reached 8%. Pew Internet Research believes the rise of the smartphone may play a crucial role in the change.

    Take a look at Pew’s chart illustrating Twitter usage over time:

    pew internet graph

    Who Uses Twitter?:

    pew internet demographic twitter

    Who uses Twitter on a cellphone?:

    pew cellphone twitter

  • Twitter Increasing The Speed At Which You Access Tweets

    I think Twitter is pretty fast and I bet most of the service’s users do as well. Pretty fast is never good enough, however, so the microblogging site has gone back to the drawing board to make it even faster. The updates being implemented today are going to make Twitter faster than a file download in South Korea.

    For a bit of background first, Dan Webb, Engineering Manager at Twitter, explains that the last major update to Twitter back in 2010 pushed all of the rendering onto the user’s browser. It helped speed along some processes, but there are some things that only a server can accomplish. That’s why the new Twitter is moving rendering back to the server. The most immediate change is that initial page load times should be one-fifth of what they were.

    Sure, Twitter is faster now, but that can’t be the only change, right? Of course not. Webb says that the new Twitter now runs on a new modular JavaScript application that will allow them to easily develop and add new features to Twitter. It also lets them take advantage of the explosive growth that we’re seeing in Web applications thanks to HTML5.

    There’s more work going on under the hood over at Twitter besides performance upgrades and new JavaScript applications. You may have noticed that Tweet permalink pages no longer have the hashbang. The hashbang, which you may recognize as this little guy (#!), was a cornerstone of Tweet permalink pages everywhere. Turns out, however, that getting ride of the little rascal actually helped improve page-load speed.

    The team at Twitter also looked at what they call “time to first Tweet.” This is a measure of time that looks at how long it takes from clicking a link to viewing the first Tweet on a user’s timeline. They found that people weren’t seeing anything until the JavaScript was downloaded and installed. That caused a problem for older machines and older browsers. Instead of fixing JavaScript, they just got rid of it. The page will now load all the way and then begin executing JavaScript well after the user has already seen the first Tweet.

    Speaking of JavaScript, Twitter has completely overhauled how it executes its code. First they minimized the amount of JavaScript that was actually being used. They found that the page was loading code that it didn’t really need which only served to slow everything down. Now Twitter only loads up the code that it needs when it needs it dramatically decreasing the time it takes to load hilarious Twitter trends.

    Twitter will continue working on improvements to make the site faster in the coming months. It’s an exciting time for Twitter from both a user and developer point of view. The user gets the increased speed and developers get to see some exciting work from one of the biggest friends of the open source community.

  • Pawn Stars, Glenn Danzig, and Falafel

    Pawn Stars, Glenn Danzig, and Falafel

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Not sure why Chris Christie thinks same-sex marriage would do more harm to his state than “Jersey Shore” has.
    46 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Man auctions off vial of Reagan blood. He should have taken it to Pawn Stars so that Big Hoss could explain to the audience who Reagan was.
    54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    When the Huffington Post says someone ‘flipped out!’ it usually means they spoke a little more loudly than normal.
    30 minutes ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto
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    The Golden State Warriors are moving to San Francisco. What a terrible loss for the wonderful city of Golden State.
    38 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    “Revenge is a dish best served… BOLD.” – I want to hear Taylor Lautner say this then throw a donkey at a helicopter
    2 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS · powered by @socialditto
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    The worst thing about donating to public radio is IT DOES NOT MAKE THEM STOP ASKING.
    51 minutes ago via Silver Bird · powered by @socialditto
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    Professional wrestler name: Office Max. Signature move: Three Hole Punch.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Why is the symbols row of my keyboard swearing at me
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s World Goth Day and somewhere Glenn Danzig is cleaning out kitty litter.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I took the protective case off my iPhone. I’ve never felt so alive!
    1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    People asking me to come to Boston: please understand I’d rather eat falafel out of a dog’s asshole.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s Morrissey’s birthday today; spend a minute thinking about how crazy it is that he never killed himself.
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    I’m living my Rock and Roll Fantasy (I blast Cinderella in my car on the way to work).
    1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s so much sadder when pretty children are kidnapped.
    1 hour ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto
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    He’s Fat! He’s Skinny! Two Brothers, TOO FUNNY! Adam Sandler AND Adam Sandler in “Bud is Thicker than Walter!”
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Gingers, Memorial Day, and Travolta Time-Out

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Blake Griffin joins Carson Palmer to form the Society of Gingers Who Have Made the Playoffs But Haven’t Won A Single Playoff Game.
    3 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto
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    Michele Pheiffer’s tribute to Michael Jackson, in the form of her face, is really very sweet.
    3 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto
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    My therapist says my mental issues are a result of my upbringing. I had to remind him that he’s my physical therapist & my knee hurts.
    3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    Whenever you see someone with a cell phone on their belt clip you should immediately congratulate them on having a cell phone.
    4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    BRB gonna take a little “Travolta Time-Out”
    1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS · powered by @socialditto
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    There must be a few vegetarians who just enjoy murdering vegetables.
    1 hour ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto
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    My “neighbor” policy is: You’re the worst until proven tolerable.
    1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
    2 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto
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    Just finished working on my Memorial Day deviled eggs. Hope they keep.
    2 hours ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto
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    Just saw Mark Zuckerberg returning a 2-Piece Mini Cupcake Spatula Set to Crate & Barrel for .95 store credit. Must have gotten 2 of them.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    The only thing worse than Monday mornings are… every other morning. I’m unemployed. Please hire me.
    2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
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    It was a bad idea to ask Siri, “What do women want?” She’s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn’t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
    3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    CVS takes great pleasure in offering you coupons for things you just bought and won’t need to buy again for several weeks.
    3 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto
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    I always get babies and polaroid pictures mixed up. Which one develops faster when you shake it?
    3 hours ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto
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    Hey, girl in a one piece, your ugly is timeless.
    4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Smoothies, The Facebook IPO, and Strippers

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    I don’t want to spook the market, but one of my friends hasn’t logged into Facebook for like 45 minutes.
    40 minutes ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto
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    The most hilarious two minutes in comedy has to be roll call at a Beverly Hills kindergarten.
    54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Pre-G8 conference call. Agreed to nick as many of @BarackObama‘s expensive toiletries and fluffy bathrobes as we can manage.
    2 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto
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    Official #Facebook IPO slogan: “You’ve already wasted your time on Facebook. Now waste your money.”
    18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Its really hard to look depressed while you’re drinking a smoothie.
    1 hour ago via TweetCaster for Android · powered by @socialditto
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    A teenager found part of a finger in an Arby’s sandwich. He said he became suspicious when he tasted something that seemed like real meat.
    51 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    It’s a shame that Michael Vick beat & drown pitbulls and not Pitbull.
    3 days ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    If I get an email from an AOL address I assume it’s from a ghost.
    1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Just found out on Facebook that a really good friend of mine “can’t believe it’s only Thursday.” Please RT.
    1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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    Do you think Michael Vick will play any Three Dog Night at his wedding?
    1 hour ago via TweetCaster for Android · powered by @socialditto
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    Pinterest is a great place to look at shit you can’t afford and shit you’ll never do.
    1 minute ago via TweetCaster for Android · powered by @socialditto
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    These days, most people only know Emily Dickinson’s poetry from reading strippers’ tattoos.
    2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    Amber Alert would be a badass name for a stripper.
    2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
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  • Have Your G8-Themed Tweets Painted In The Street

    If you have something to say to the world powers the make up the G8, now could be your time. And as long as you keep your message short and sweet, you don’t even have to leave the couch.

    Advocacy group ONE has decided to enlist the Twitterverse in helping them deliver messages to the leaders of Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, the U.K., and the U.S. this weekend. If you have something to say about hunger and poverty throughout the world – tweet it to ONE and they just might print it out on the street for you.

    From the ONE blog:

    One of the biggest creative challenges we face is finding ways to adequately express the spirit and strength of our amazing membership — And more than this, to maximize the impact of member voices to push for the positive changes we are all seeking to achieve. Combine this scenario with a message-saturated G8 Summit and you’ll understand why we’ve had to find something extraordinary to do next week… Ahem, cue Tweet the Street…

    With that in mind, they created the ONE Street Tweeter, a big street-printing robot that will paint your tweets in non-toxic, water-soluble paint. It’s basically “one giant ink-jet printer on wheels,” they say.

    Here are a couple of shots of the ONE Street Tweet machine in action:

    If you want to get your message about hunger and poverty painted on the streets around Camp David in Maryland, just tweet it to @ONEStreetTweet. Remember, it has to be 40 characters or less (including spaces).

    It looks like some members of the U.S. Congress have already taken notice:

    @ONEStreetTweet: 3 priorities-children, children & children
    14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    @ONEStreetTweet G8: Let’s end hunger. Act now! -RepOlver
    16 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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    @OneStreetTweet G8: No more starving children RepJJJr
    18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
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  • Diablo 3, Walruses, and Celebrity Twitter Passwords

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    To everyone who can’t play Diablo 3 until after work, the starving children in Africa started a Facebook page for you.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Diablo 3 and Max Payne 3 came out today. Unless your boss follows you on Twitter, in which case A Bad Case of the Flu came out today.(image) 3 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    i think the show ” America’s Got Talent ” should have a question mark at the end of it.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    A juror lost interest and fell asleep during the Roger Clemens trial. That’s why baseball players started taking steroids in the 1st place.(image) 30 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    #CelebrityTwitterPasswords
    Tim Tebow : Wanted his password to be “pass” but it was too short.(image) 40 minutes ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Chernobyl. Please, Chernobyl RT @KimKardashian: If Khloe & I take a city what city should it be???(image) 14 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The scale adds ten pounds.(image) 1 hour ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    When “The Voice” goes off air, the spinning chairs return to their day jobs: Bringing mad villains face to face with James Bond(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Dear Humans, Please don’t grab our tongues when we’re licking your hands. It freaks us out. Love, Dogs(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    My polarized sunglasses make my smartphone’s screen look weird. #FirstWorldProblems(image) 5 hours ago via iTweet for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Reports confirm that Heat F Chris Bosh has indeed name his son Littlefoot.(image) 6 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    A walrus is just a seal with a porn mustache.(image) 12 hours ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    It’s easy to make fun of Kmart, but at least their clothes don’t just assume you have human features.(image) 12 hours ago via WitStream ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Mark Zuckerberg, JP Morgan, and Bieber Fever

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    alright moms. back to work.(image) 15 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Mark Zuckerberg is 28 today and is worth $100B. Reminds me of when I was 28 and was able to purchase groceries without selling plasma.(image) 40 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Tonight’s #Bachelorette drinking game: Drink whenever someone says journey, amazing or how much they love kids. Also, have 911 on speed dial(image) 27 minutes ago via Twitter for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    JPMorgan Chase to be bailed out by the Avengers movie.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPad ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Breaking: Husband surprises wife on Mother’s Day by actually finishing a project he started.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Surprised Newsweek didn’t have Joe Biden breastfeeding President Obama on the cover….(image) 15 minutes ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    People joke about Bieber Fever. Don’t – Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.(image) 20 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The song I Shazamed was unrecognized #firstworldproblems(image) 9 hours ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Post some more song lyrics as your status. Someone will eventually understand your struggle.(image) 10 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    #SignsThatYoureLonely – You play with your lightsaber too much.(image) 34 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Cincinnati basketball players allegedly involved in nightclub incident. Police will begin investigation with the Bengals out of habit.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Elections would be cooler with high speed chases and nude scenes.(image) 8 hours ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Who is Mark Zuckerberg? I can’t find him on my Friendster, but the other 12 people on here keep wishing him a happy birthday.(image) 19 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Serena Williams, the Mayan Calendar, and Rejected Prom Themes

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    I’m not emotionally prepared for the new onslaught of bad Sacha Baron Cohen impressions that “The Dictator” will bring.(image) 22 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    “Lets go see ‘Dark Shadows’” – No One.(image) 13 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    16 and pregnant #rejectedpromthemes(image) 1 minute ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Serena Williams’ new single proves once and for all that black people can’t rap(image) 3 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Bristol Palin giving anyone parenting advice is like Rebecca Black giving Adele singing advice.(image) 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The Sacco and Vanzetti Trial #rejectedpromthemes(image) 3 minutes ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Why is that chick breastfeeding Justin Bieber on the cover of Time?(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    What I hate about the Mayan calendar is there are no pictures of muscular Mayans on it(image) 57 minutes ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Guys, just buy a coal engagement ring. With the pressure of marriage it’ll become a diamond soon enough.(image) 1 minute ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Between driving with a dog on the roof and shaving a gay guy’s head, I think Mitt Romney is the right guy to lead this fraternity.(image) 42 minutes ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    As a result of losing $2 billion, the TV in JP Morgan’s lobby has been switched from CNBC to “Extreme Couponing”.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Instead of a feathered quill, Twitter’s “Compose Tweet” icon should be a toilet in front of a mirror.(image) 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’m basically shuffling papers and watching the clock until the next Batman movie.(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • Time Magazine, Kashi, and North Korea

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Bristol Palin says Obama’s daughters watch too much Glee, recommends they watch 16 and Pregnant.(image) 54 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I’m finding it hard to get sympathy with my I-pulled-a-muscle-on-a-zip-line story.(image) 1 day ago via WhoSay ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The kid on the cover of this week’s Time magazine is really going to hate Middle School. http://t.co/uLLxiio1(image) 4 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    “That’s great, Jimmy, now spit it into Alicia Silverstone’s baby’s mouth.” Time Magazine Photographer(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Vidal jokes. Is it too Sassoon?(image) 14 hours ago via txt ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I bet Mitt Romney is relieved to know that flip-flopping now has a technical name: ‘evolving’(image) 17 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    John Travolta assaulted me too but it was with “Battlefield Earth”. I should be able to get a few bucks for that, right?(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Facebook: Where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again.(image) 1 hour ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Guys I swear I read Time Magazine for the articles.(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Happy anniversary, box of Kashi GoLean Crunch.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    My friend went on vacation two years ago and still isn’t back. He must really enjoy North Korea.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If you go to an art exhibit and don’t Instagram it, I won’t believe you really “got” it.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    HOW COME THEY NO LET DRUNK HULK MAKE KICKSTARTER TO PAY OFF BAR TAB?!(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

  • John Travolta, Gay Marriage, and the WNBA

    John Travolta, Gay Marriage, and the WNBA

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    Travolta’s lawyer should use the “It was Nic Cage in a John Travolta mask” defense.(image) 1 day ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    If you stretched your intestines to the moon and back, you’d be dead.(image) 1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    All of those who oppose gay marriage are totally not seeing the potential of Gay Divorce Court on daytime TV.(image) 50 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I would watch more WNBA if the W stood for “Wolf”.(image) 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    “Remember to buy your mom a bottle of wine on Mother’s Day, because you are the reason she drinks.” #MothersDay #wine(image) 45 minutes ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we’re cool.(image) 8 minutes ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.(image) 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Let’s all get together next Daylight Saving Time and remind North Carolina to set their clocks forward 100 years.(image) 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Today President Obama checked in on Foursquare from a spot located on the right side of history.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Mark Zuckerberg’s nickname should be “I don’t give a Fuckerberg.”(image) 3 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    My girlfriend re-tweets my ex-girlfriend. #firstworldproblems(image) 43 minutes ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    Boy, TSA workers don’t like it when you moan while they pat you down.(image) 3 hours ago via WhoSay ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

    The first person to cut their hair must have been TERRIFIED.(image) 4 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

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