Tag: daily

I’m glad we live in America. In many countries, the fate of the Affordable Care Act would have been decided on penalty kicks.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

Met a guy at the airport who said he was a child psychologist. Quit living in the past, dude. You’re like 45 now!

Any word yet from Pat Robertson about what the Christian and very conservative people in Colorado Springs did to deserve this fire?

I feel like we should wait to hear Adele’s ex-boyfriend’s songs before we choose sides.

I bet Newtcare would consist of free Yoo-hoo for life.

If they pass a mandatory dental care law, I’m moving to the UK.

One bad day for conservatives does not negate their victory getting that severed Bush head removed from Game of Thrones.

If I were the new Paula Deen I’d have nightmares about the old Paula Deen trying to eat me.

I hope Ann Curry’s last words on TODAY are “I guess SOME people find Curry a little too SPICY in the morning” and then she drops a mic.

It would be funny if whenever you tried to type a hashtag a hand popped out of the keyboard and broke all your fingers

Changing my facebook relationship status to married just to get my family off my back.

Man, I can take my talents to South Beach now. #ObamaCare

John Roberts is the Severus Snape of SCOTUS.

The Supreme Court just ruled that my grandparents have something to complain about at every family event until they die.

Does every pair of Google Glasses come with a free Segway?

While it’s no laughing matter that R Kelly has been rushed to hospital, I can’t help imagining his musical inner monologue.

What a relief. Now i can do my bath salts and not worry about impending face hunger

SCOTUS sounds like an infection that’s transmitted via ball sweat.

Girls who like roller coasters will really find a way to tell you.

irregardless – The process of watering crops with lack of regard.

So wait, is going on man dates constitutional or not?

Don’t call me pussy foot ~ Camels, probably.

BREAKING: In 8-1 decision, #SCOTUS rules that the final season of Battlestar Galactica was bullshit. Alito dissents, because he’s a Cylon.

If Orbitz steers Mac users to pricier hotels, does it steer Linux users to free couch surfing?

The Spice Girls have reunited. Mitt Romney called it “another failure of leadership by Obama.”

John Edwards and Rielle Hunter broke up. Ladies, stay away from online dating profiles like “almostprez1953”.

Jeffrey Dahmer is the only person whose bologna really did have a first name.

Someone should have told Paris Hilton that DJing and BJing are two very different things. Explains why she stroked the mic so much, though.

The dialogue in The Newsroom makes me think it was written on a keyboard with a broken space bar.

Alex Trebek bouncing back after heart scare. Should be up and passive-aggressively correcting people’s pronunciations in no time.

Logged into orbitz with my Linux machine, it suggested I stay in a youth hostel

If you watch Independence Day backwards it’s about a spaceship shitting out Randy Quaid into a life of alcoholism

I’m not sure what I want, what I really really want, but it definitely isn’t a Spice Girls reunion.

I want to read a book on my kindle, but everyone will think I’m reading 50 Shades of Grey #firstworldproblems

Instead of sending an “e-card,” why not swing by & fart in my mouth?

Just got a prescription for medicinal bath salts.

If the doctor didn’t hum the Jeopardy theme music before he gave Alex Trebek his prognosis, then he should lose his medical license.

#AnimalComedianNames Sarah Jessica Parker

I hope Snooki consults an expert prior to the birth of her baby. Does Jane Goodall make house calls? Raising baby chimpanzees is hard.

I got arrested at the Magic Mike premiere last night for dressing in costume from the movie. And also for being in a theater showing Brave.

Sadly, MIchael Jackson died 3 years ago today. Jerry Sandusky wasn’t upset, just excited to have less competition.

I’m thinking of becoming a corporation so that the Supreme Court will consider me a person. #SCOTUS

If the drunk Sam Waterson character on THE NEWSROOM doesn’t have a Twitter account by midnight, we’ve failed as a nation.

Jim Girrafigan #AnimalComedianNames.

I worry that guys who hold elevator doors open to finish conversations are going to be late for their Worse Than Hitler award ceremonies.

Take the word “amazing” away from a woman’s vocabulary & she won’t be able to describe her trip to Europe.

Larry the Stable Guy @myqkaplan#AnimalComedianNames

iPhone stopped capitalizing the word nazi. It’s finally 2012, guys.

Jazz in my Pants #DisappointingYoutubeVideos

The only thing more humiliating for Skip Bayless right now would be if Mark Cuban bought ESPN and then fired him.

Do not blow kisses to loved ones. Ghosts intercept them mid-flight and put them on their butts.

It’s fitting that LeBron James wins an NBA Championship and the Finals MVP title where only 3/4 of the actual season was played.

Chocolate stain #DisappointingYouTubeVideos

Dear Liam Neeson: A seagull just took my Wetzel’s Pretzel. Gonna need you to get bloody on this one. Half now, half on completion.

Today is a beautiful day to squat over a mirror and be humbled.

Jerry Sandusky is the only person that John Edwards can openly talk shit about.

Lightning is just God instagramming.

Nyan Catfish #DisappointingYouTubeVideos

I drink Gatorade because I exercise a lot going to the fridge to get Gatorade.

It’s crazy how asparagus makes your pee smell funny but taste exactly the same

‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ just shows that Republicans have always been hateful toward alternative lifestyles.

Can’t wait to see Taken 3, in which a confused Liam Neeson kidnaps his own daughter.

You learn a lot when #Twitter is down. For example, my wife left me four years ago.

Does anyone own the cars in Target’s parking lot or are they always there?

It’s funny that “Salad” sometimes means “A healthy mix of…” and sometimes means “blended with mayonnaise…”

Twitter keeps crashing. Either there’s been a massive political scandal, Justin Bieber has died or it’s raining in London.

When Twitter is down, Facebook is like an old nicotine patch you fish out of the trash in desperation.

I think I speak for everyone when I say there aren’t enough reality shows about people planning weddings.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Today’s Equation: Lawn Darts + Flip Flops = Toes – 1

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: PENNY MODEL #RejectedAbeLincolnMovieConcepts

I left my mini wheats too long before eating them. Now they have no coating. #firstworldproblems

I’ve never seen “Snakes On A Plane.” I wonder what it’s about.

Shia LaBeouf sounds like a French tampon brand.

Johnny Depp and his partner separated. They agreed to share custody of the kids, but are suing the hell out of each other over the scarves.

ARSENIO HALL GET TALK SHOW! MICROSOFT RELEVANT! TIME IS PERFECT FOR ZIMA TO MAKE COMEBACK!

I thought Roger Clemens was already in jail for having frosted tips when he was a 40 year old man?

At this point, the only reason I use Facebook is to fish for compliments.

I can’t decide whether I want the Shackle Shoes or the Air Amistads

Using twitter to call something a “first world problem” is redundant you guys.

Don’t do misogyny, kids. Bitches hate misogyny.

The guy who vandalized the Picasso painting got greedy. Next time try a Jackson Pollock, no one will know the difference.

I’d buy a Tempurpedic mattress just so I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

I type faster than Google Instant. #firstworldproblems

You know you’re getting old when you forget the name of the street you grew up on and break your hip and die.

Happy 70th Birthday to Paul McCartney. That being said, if you ever sign off on a hologram John Lennon, we’re through…

Following John McCain’s “Maverick” campaign slogan proving difficult for Romney. His team has narrowed it to 2 slogans: “Goose” or “Iceman”

Sorry to the 40 people I was in Draw Something games with. I’m afraid you’ll never have closure.

Sure am hoping that Microsoft will announce Apple TV

The 2012 U.S. Open has been won by some guy. Some guy is really dominating golf lately.

Sadly enough, people with epilepsy have the moves like Jagger 🙁

Instagram is really a great app to see all the parties you weren’t invited too

Even though I said no pickles, I still have to check my sandwich to make sure there are no pickles. #FirstWorldProblems

The Greeks should vote for whoever makes that awesome yoghurt!

If complaining was an Olympic event, my wife would complain about it.

Weekend is over. Time to start acting like the other you.

No I don’t have a case of the Mondays, my wife is dead and my kids hate me, I’m never happy.

Linkedin Park #FailedTechBands

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan” – Drugs

Bruce Bingsteen #FailedTechBands

So Chris Brown got in a fight and Lindsay Lohan was found unconscious in a hotel room… What an ODD week this is turning out to be!

Instead of seeing ROCK OF AGES I’m just gonna burn 12 dollars in the sink while watching a gif of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch.

Bristol Palin seems like the type of girl who says “irregardless” a lot.

Depeche Safe Mode #FailedTechBands

Someone should take all the paparazzi footage of Lindsay Lohan and just release it as the next Final Destination movie.

99% of all people listening to Hoobastank right now are having their deli meat sliced.

Horrible experiences make you stronger. Like your parents getting murdered. Or having AT&T.

Insane Klout Posse #FailedTechBands

A handprint in clay is a great Father’s Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

You can draw dicks on your baby’s face while they’re sleeping. It’s not illegal.

Someone robbed Kanye West’s house. How could they be so heartless?

So 3 guys Rihanna dated got into a fight last night. If all the guys who dated Kim Kardashian got into a fight, it’d be called World War III

A movie I added to my Netflix Instant Queue is no longer available. #firstworldproblems

Stunned to hear House Hunters is fake. I thought all home-buyers only looked at 3 houses.

We are born with nothing and we die with nothing but our student loans.

Everyone will grow to just the right height. #ReasonsToVoteForMittRomney

My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to Coolio’s “gangsta’s paradise”.

My neutral emotional state is “waiting for biopsy results”.

Oregon man who saved a mouse from the jaws of a cat catches the black plague in what doctors are calling the worst Tom & Jerry cartoon ever.

HBO apologizes for using a rubber George W. Bush decapitated head on GAME OF THRONES. George W. Bush relieved to hear it wasn’t real.

TODAY IS BOURBON DAY! AFTER 364 DRESS REHEARSAL! DRUNK HULK READY FOR REAL THING!

To celebrate Flag Day, Chris Brown plans to beat up Betsy Ross’s corpse.

R. Kelly owes $4.8m in back taxes. What, did he just piss all that away?

iOS 6 will have LinkedIn integration. In fact, you won’t even have to enter your password, because they already have it.

“Blouse” is just a shitty word to say regardless of what gender you are.

Retina display on new MacBook Pro is so amazing you can actually see the tears of the Chinese slaves who assembled it.

Ironically, my fantasy is an actual sea made of Fanta.

I think I can’t get into True Blood because I’m not a fat girl.

Yo dawg, we heard you like privacy, so we integrated Facebook into… oh, never mind. #WWDC

I can’t understand why the Nike store’s “vodka drinking couch pants” are labeled “yoga pants”.

Leviticus was written by an asshole.

I can’t believe I scheduled a dentist appointment on Flag Day.

Apple have upgraded Siri. I bet she still can’t open the pod bay doors though. #WWDC

I wonder how much John Malkovich paid AT&T to be in those commercials?

For Father’s Day, I’m getting you the most masculine Mother’s Day clearance sale gift I can find. http://t.co/aeziut5T

It’s awfully quiet here at the #WWDC condom booth.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks cool but I’m saving my money for George Bush: Sour Patch Kid Consumer.

Maybe I’ll Have Another is just holding out for more oats. Or maybe less whipping.

Spoiler: the alien lifeform in Prometheus is ALF.

When parents offer to show me pictures of their kids I usually say “no thanks I already have quite a few in my private collection”

Accidentally added a bunch of people to my “close friends” list on Facebook, which is basically like joining the most boring book club ever.

Weird – I just turned on the TV and Ryan Seacrest wasn’t on.

If Snooki & Kim Kardashian were stuck in a burning building, & you could only save one, would you do laundry or read the paper?

I can usually judge a women’s hotness by how many times my wife calls her a whore.

Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.

New BBQ place was awful. I haven’t been this disappointed since every time a Billy Joel video came on MTV.

My microwaved leftovers are too hot on the outside but still kinda cold on the inside. #FirstWorldProblems

Ever wake up so hungover that your liver doesn’t even want to cuddle?

If you see a car with a TAPOUT sticker, it’s customary to let him pass you so he can quickly get home to verbally abuse his stepson.

I saved a fortune on toys by convincing my kids that they were all born on Christmas Day.