Tag: daily

NHL reduces season to 1 game in which all 30 teams compete at the same time in the same rink.

Storm tip: Stock up on milk and bread to fight off the lactose and gluten intolerant hoards.

For the record, I have nothing to do with the “Frankenstorm”. Thanks.

Don’t try “to” tell me how to use quotation marks.

My Hurricane Preparedness List has just one item: 1. Be on the lookout for a call from my boss telling me I don’t have to come in for work.

I queefed into my iPhone and Shazam said it was “any song by Maroon 5.”

And Jesus said to his disciples, “Loose lips sink ships. You hear me, Judas?” But Judas did not hear.

Sure, “Frankenstorm” is a clever name, but I’m quite fond of “Count Stormula.” That one’s mine. #fb#frankenstorm

If there isn’t a service for buying Eastern European brides called Czech Mate, then we don’t deserve this planet.

Here in San Francisco thank God there aren’t any self-important tech pricks.

Attention, northeastern United States: brace yourself for a major act of Me.

The best perk of being a celebrity? I’m allowed to use 141 characters in my tweets. No, I don’t feel like proving it.

Just called my cat, who’s heavy, “Belly Lugosi.” Now, me and two elderly woman are going to work on a Thomas Kinkade jigsaw puzzle together.

It’s so brave of Taylor Swift to name her new album “Red,” in honor of the period blood that inspired all the songs on it.

If your grandparents aren’t “all there” just give them a broken Gameboy and tell them it’s an iPad mini. They’ll be thrilled.

Intervention drinking game: Drink every time one of your family member tries to make it about them.

I’ve just watched a DVD about greed, evil, the failure of man and the cruelty caused by a ring. I hate my wedding video.

Well, Taylor Swift and the Kennedy kid broke up, I feel like she’s probably crying into a pile of kittens right now.

Breaking: Dead celebrities still make more money than you do

Riverdance must be very inspiring to people who are paralyzed from the waist up.

Politicians only kiss babies because it might be theirs.

I don’t get embarrassed when I walk into a wall. I’m proud for not backing down in an intense game of chicken.

The only reason we don’t allow voting by email is because the Crown Prince of Nigeria would walk it.

Johnny Depp to star in the directorial debut of Wally Pfister. Tim Burton last seen sobbing uncontrollably, sniffing a pile of old scarves.

It would have been cool if Apple threw everyone for a loop by calling the iPad Mini the iPod Mega.

Lindsay Lohan tweets support for President Obama weeks after backing Mitt Romney. The week before that she was backing her car into a tree.

Key consumer question: Which Apple product offers best experience for viewing live event that makes it obsolete?

Amazing to think that 1/3 of life is spent working, 1/3 spent sleeping, and 1/3 spent untangling headphone cords.

Thank god they finally cancelled “Presidential Debate.” That show was all over the place with bad wanna be Aaron Sorkin dialogue.

if the iPad mini came with a bayonet twitter would shut down

Why were singers in the 80’s so terribly concerned they would “lose that feelin’”

The Chinese slaves who assembled the iPad mini are two-thirds the size of the slaves who assemble the regular iPad.

Holiday spoiler alert: Most of your family secretly hates you.

Halloween is coming. The hardest day of the year to identify a legitimate prostitute.

Sorry about the streamers, tequila, and fake mustaches… Geez, a search party is still a party isn’t it??

Hell might be trying on endless pairs of one-size-too-small jeans for a head shaking wife.

How smart was Lance Armstrong’s testicle to make a break for it before shit hit the fan?

#BiggerBands Fire Spreads From Arcade To Several Other Local Businesses

My son is quite the little know it all for someone who only 10 years ago was constantly shitting himself.

I think I’ll dress up as an alcoholic for Halloween.

Johnny Depp is to Tim Burton what Tyler Perry is to Tyler Perry.

James Blunt is quitting the music industry to spend more time with his family & friends. This is devastating news. For his family & friends.

Dear Destiny’s Child, I think we are finally ready for “this jelly.”

#BiggerBands They Actually Are Giants

Does Windows 8 include a pair of white earbuds that won’t stay in my ear? If not, I’m not interested.

“America needs Romney” blimp crash lands in Florida. “Oh, the approximation of humanity!!!”

My dream job is to work in the “reported pictures” department on Facebook

My great great great grandfather was very conceited.

I always buy the largest bag of “fun size” Halloween candy bars to hand out into my mouth.

After four Paranormal Activity movies, isn’t this just normal activity at this point? Let’s call a spade a spade.

I went for a ride on my Vespa and nearly got hit by a Prius. That would’ve gone down in history as the gayest wreck EVER.

For Halloween this year I’m gonna find an old Forrest Gump costume and go as an “Undecided Voter”

Now that Justin Timberlake is married he might as well take sexy back and exchange it for some sweatpants and a recliner.

Customers who expressed interest in Binders Full of Women may also be interested in Wallets Full of Puppies

Tyler Perry is more convincing as a 250 pound grandmother than he is as a detective who looks exactly like him.

1 RT = 1 person cured from cancer. Only joking, this is Twitter, not Facebook.

I’m going as Lance Armstrong this Halloween which means I’m lying about going as Lance Armstrong this Halloween.

It’s only a matter of time before hipsters try to make abacuses a thing again.

TLC should do a show about the sad people who watch TLC who are also conjoined twins with giant face tumors who horde child pageanters.

Paul Ryan seems like the guy at a bachelor party who goes way too far with the stripper.

Can Mexicans go to Heaven? #RomneyGoogleHistory

#ObamaGoogleHistory do they make electric dog collars for Vice Presidents?

I don’t like underage girls, it’s just been my dream to meet my idol Chris Hanson while eating fresh cookies.

I respect that Gov Romney had binders full of women; most men just keep all that stuff on an external hard drive.

I see “Darth Vader’s wife” is trending on Yahoo. Did someone find another piece of papyrus?

I often call my stepson a “bitch” and my stepdaughter a “dickhead” to show them the importance of gender equality.

Is there a three second rule for babies?

Every religion is essentially a book club that reads the same book over and over again.

There is no graceful way to stop giving someone the Heimlich when it turns out they didn’t need the Heimlich.

I hope that dude’s dad never got around to listening to cats in the cradle

How many times do humans laugh? #RomneyGoogleHistory

How many hours before a debate can you take an Ambien? #ObamaGoogleHistory

“Binders Full of Women” is my favorite Motley Crue album. #debate

At this point, it’s kind of embarrassing if your pet isn’t a YouTube sensation.

Cannabis and cannibal almost sound the same, which is fucking crazy to think about when you’re high and eating people.

I don’t have enough apple chargers for all of my apple devices. #firstworldproblems

Mornings after a debate, Twitter just lies in bed smoking a cigarette. We’re all spent.

That cop says I should go to jail for smoking PCP in my car, but I say that cop should go to jail for being a saber-toothed tiger

Barack 100% used a binder joke on Michelle last night and Barack 100% slept on a couch for the second straight debate night.

I think I’m like two kale smoothies away from achieving immortality

Did Flavor Flav clock his girlfriend?

Everyone gets tired thinking about stairs, right?

Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Honey Boo Boo.

Congrats to Megan Fox on the birth of her son. 7 pounds, 12 ounces. The baby is doing fine as well.

Gif. Soft g or hard g? #RejectedTownHallDebateQs

Beyonce will perform Super Bowl Halftime. CBS will not run a delay, as they don’t expect any complaints if there’s a wardrobe malfunction.

Almond Butter: For people that like peanut butter but don’t want to be happy.

Even if you had thirty paddles, Shit Creek sounds like a shitty place to be.

I know I’m getting older because now when friends tell me they’re pregnant I say “Congratulations!” instead of “Are you keeping it?”

Playing a “drinking game” during the #debate is a great way to let people know you’re not voting.

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.

Oh great. Now I have a crippling fear of finding Paul Ryan and his family outside my shower ready to wash me again.

My greatest daily affirmation is when Gmail gets excited that I’ve deleted all the spam messages.

Maine woman accused of running a prostitution ring out of her Zumba studio. I guess pole dancing workouts would’ve been too obvious.

“Two minutes, governor. A horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses?” #RejectedTownHallDebateQs

If I was a doctor, every now and again I’d eat a giant burrito then give myself a sonogram.

Candidates conclude by coming up with better endings for “Lost,” “Battlestar Galactica” #RejectedDebateConditions

What if iPhone’s autocorrect is actually the ghost of Steve Jobs trying to tell us things?

Mitt Romney once invested in the Yankees. Which finally explains the time the Yankees tried to trade Alex Rodriguez to China.

I don’t know what to be for Halloween. #firstworldproblems

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

I heard your Mom’s covered by Fair Use.

The great thing is, once she’s an adult she can use the same title for her porno. #HereComesHoneyBooBoo

Finally watched the Felix Baumgartner jump. Cool stuff. But is anyone else worried NASA is being replaced by Red Bull?

Each candidate must tell the truth at all times. #RejectedDebateConditions

I bet if you searched the internet hard enough, you could find videos of people fucking.

Congrats to the two Americans who won the Nobel Prize in economics. And thanks a lot for all your help with the U.S. economy.

Report: More people have seen “2 girls 1 cup” than a WNBA game

My wife just dropped her keys & said “What’s WRONG with me?” & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.

BREAKING: No one likes you, tracks 9-13 of a pop music album.

Debate prediction: That person from your office who thinks they’re funny is going to tweet some really stupid shit.

I just saw something in the men’s room that convinced me to never go in the ocean again.

I wish I could feel just half of the pride Paul Ryan feels when he’s talking about the music on his iPod.

Taken 10 will just be Liam Neeson stealing your bank information and taking 12 dollars out of your checking account.

Biden is preparing for the debate by doing donuts in the parking lot in his 67′ Pontiac Firebird blasting No More Mr. Nice Guy.

The hardest part about being on a diet is not telling people you’re on a diet.

Kellogg’s recalls Mini Wheats with metal shards after lawyers reject slapping ‘recommended for people who are anemic’ stickers on the boxes.

I think it’s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song and called it “Maybe I am The Problem”.

Every National Coming Out Day I wait for Tom Cruise to appear, like the Great Pumpkin.

I almost had sex with my gf while she had a charcoal facial mask on but it felt too racially charged.

If Jerry Sandusky’s cell mates are Marv & Harry from Home Alone, that is going to make for one terrifying sequel.

BREAKING: Pollster says Big Bird ad already having effect; results from midmorning to 3 p.m. have Obama surging among voters ages 2 to 4.

The good news is that self-driving cars are now legal in California. The bad news is that so are the ones driven by Lindsay Lohan.

I bet Mitt Romney was the kid in class that reminded your teacher that you had homework last night.

According to a recent survey, 1 in 5 Americans now say they have no religion. Happy 72nd birthday, John Lennon.

I see I was just included on a Twitter list called “Jews.” In general, people making lists of Jews makes me nervous.

When God closes a Pizza Hut, he opens a Chinese restaurant shaped like a Pizza Hut.

Jerry Sandusky was sentenced to 30 years although he prefers to think of it as six five-year sentences.

Serving salad with pizza is like shooting me in the face and then offering me a band-aid.

Jesus better take the wheel because he damn sure didn’t take the key to the mini-bar.

I wonder if Aerosmith ever listen to their own music or if they don’t go to strip clubs.

Every Halloween I make my yard into a spooky cemetery by killing a bunch of people.

This Mexican restaurant doesn’t serve chips and salsa so I guess people can just do whatever the fuck they want now?

My 6 yr old proudly showed me piece of bamboo he found on the street. The excitement I showed him should get me a Golden Globe nomination.

Tonight, in honor of Columbus Day, Jets will try to discover uncharted land– their own end-zone.

Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman have split after 30 years as one combined normal-sized human being.

Breaking: Anyone who didn’t get off today thinks Christopher Columbus can suck a dick.

TEEN DRINK LIQUID NITROGEN COCKTAIL! AND LOSE STOMACH! THAT TIME DRUNK HULK LOSE VIRGINITY AFTER COCKTAIL SUDDENLY NO BIG DEAL!

Slow walkers often don’t know they are slow walkers. It’s time we tell them. You first.

Man it is gonna suck when we find out that our phones were giving us finger cancer the whole time.

Today must be especially tough for Leif Ericson’s publicists.

I’ve had more sex in video games than I have in real life. #firstworldproblems

“Mondays, am I right?” – Jeopardy contestant who doesn’t really understand the format

Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman got separated, but luckily, both immediately knew to find a store security guard.

You can pass off any old bullshit by simply prefacing it with “some claim that” or “some wonder if.”

Great news in Jobs Report! Steve Jobs still dead & not a flesh hungry zombie.

GOOD NEWS: Economy adds 114,000 new jobs. BAD NEWS: They’re all in one Super Wal-Mart.

Just when you thought you couldn’t be any more disappointed, you find a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in your sidekick’s dresser.

“Creation science” carries the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Cardinals offensive line now being called the Kardashians after getting penetrated so many times.

I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get his chest waxed than listen to an entire Nickelback song.

The Jobs report is a conspiracy? You mean he’s been alive the whole time?

One year ago today Steve Jobs died. Later today Apple will be unveiling a much slimmer casket.

Express your latent homosexual desires by wearing your favorite football player’s jersey.

I may be a crappy mom but at least I’ve never called a pet my “fur baby”.

Congrats to RUSH on making the transition from “Band That Never Gets Nominated to the R&RHOF” to “Band That Never Gets Voted In the R&RHOF.”

There are now a billion users on Facebook and zero that I ever want to Facebook chat with.

Jim Lehrer: I had a dream I was at a debate last night. Some rich white Cadillac salesman told me he wanted to get rid of me & Big Bird.

Dora better have her papers ready on Nov. 6… 🙁

Emotionally, I’m still not in a position to believe the fallopian tube isn’t a ride at Six Flags.

Ha-ha. Very funny, Siri. But I really need to know how to get to Sesame Street.

No wonder lefties identify with Big Bird. A 43 year old welfare layabout with imaginary friends.

Breaking: Burger King’s fries still suck.

Between the new Facebook commercial and Clint Eastwood, chairs are having the best month ever http://t.co/3SVNI3M9

Dirty deeds! Done for a competitive rate because the price of raw materials has increased to go along with a rising inflation rate of 3-5%!

Bobby Valentine fired as Red Sox manager. Team seeking to re-sign Sam Adams and Colonel Sanders.

The candidates discussed Big Bird, but glossed over “Grover versus Wade.” #debate