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  • No Matter Your Politics, I Think We Can All Agree That Mormons Tan Well

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we go heavy on last night’s Republican Primary debate, talk Ben & Jerry’s new ice cream flavor, and learn the rest of the “Where’s Waldo” title. Enjoy!

    @BettyFckinWhite
    Betty F*ckin’ White    Ben & Jerry’s has come out with “Schweddy Balls” ice cream flavor. And yes it tastes exactly like Alec Baldwin. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BrianLynch
    Brian Lynch    Reese Witherspoon hit by a car. I’m predicting after getting over her initial argument with the handsome driver, they will fall in love. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @sethmeyers21
    Seth Meyers    No matter your politics, I think we can all agree that Mormons tan well. 19 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    Scotland is a fantastic country but I bet Scottland would be terribly boring. 3 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    I don’t know about the Mayan calendar, but the State Farm calendar my agent just gave me goes through 2013. It’s going to be okay. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @someecards
    someecards    I’m looking forward to knowing everything about your new baby via Facebook. http://t.co/jjZUFdR 5 hours ago via Tweet Button · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Troy Polamalu’s last name is pronounced “Pall-Mall-for-smooth-flavor.” 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    However you feel about healthcare, last night’s debate was a persuasive argument for medication. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    The book is not as much fun when you learn the full title is “Where’s Waldo, Brother of Anne Frank?” 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @donni
    Donni Saphire    Ladies, call me “Adjustable Rate Mortgage.” I look great at first, suddenly get real fat, and then I ruin your life. 48 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @kevin_nealon
    Kevin Nealon    Great GOP debate last night. Which one was Michelle Bachmann? 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    “GO PACK GO” is what Green Bay fans yell. Not to be confused with “Go pack”, which is what Jack Del Rio yells at his starting QB’s. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • They Need To Invent Autotune For Thinking

    They Need To Invent Autotune For Thinking

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we find tweets about some famous NFL quarterbacks, a famous adult film star and a famous biblical shipbuilder. Plus we get an admission of how Twitter really affects attraction. Enjoy!

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    “I couldn’t pass up Peyton Manning, but I drafted David Garrard as my backup till #18 returns”. #WorstFantasyFootballPlayerEver 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @michaelianblack
    Michael Ian Black    Just confirming for myself: both The Gin Blossoms and Cuba Gooding Jr were real things, right? 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    I wonder how old Jenna Jameson’s twin sons will be when they realize they weren’t the first two guys in her at the same time? 15 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @matthewdolkart
    Matthew Dolkart    I’m sure when your pet gains the ability to speak, they’ll first thank you for turning on Animal Planet when you leave the house. 4 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @JerryThomas
    JerryThomas    They need to invent Autotune for thinking. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @MrWordsWorth
    Mark Campbell    Pawn Stars’ Chumlee spent $11,000 on his birthday bash. That’s the $11,000 you think you should have gotten for your WWI memorabilia. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @WhitneyCummings
    Whitney Cummings    Following someone on twitter is a great way to stop having a crush on them 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @friedmanjon
    Jon Friedman    “I did not account for this much shitting.” -Noah, after one week on the Arc 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SnoopDogg
    Snoop Dogg    Im takn over as tha CEO of Yahoo. Need sum of tha Snoop Dogg content ya digg. Nuff Said. 20 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Bachmann reading book on Constitution for #GOPDebate: “I’m up to the part where Elmo talks about the Bill of Rights.” 35 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Obama, Breaking Bad, And Raven Symone

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, we have a pretty random selection of Tweets. You can forgive me for not being too topical on a Friday, right? We do hit the Labor Day Topic as we as Obama’s upcoming Jobs speech. Look for a particularly good one about disciplining a teenager. Enjoy!

    @paulverhoeven
    Paul Verhoeven    At my funeral, instead of a eulogy, I want everyone to watch 30 minutes looped footage of Laura Dern’s panicked running, from Jurassic Park. 11 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    A chocolate chip got stuck in the straw of my frappuccino. #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Casual Friday + Last Workday Before Labor Day = White Bed Sheet Toga. Can’t help it if my coworkers don’t understand basic math. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @denisleary
    Denis Leary    8 out of 10 Americans think we are in a recession. The other two are A-Rod and Oprah. 1 hour ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @sethmeyers21
    Seth Meyers    You know what Obama should do for his jobs speech? Hire a million people to help him write it. 3 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    If you want to punish a teenager, simply take away their cellphone! And sodomize them with it. 2 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

    @mindykaling
    Mindy Kaling    Hey dudes it’s been 5 days. You gotta let people talk about Breaking Bad. 1 hour ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    New York City — turning optimistic liberals into seething, closet racists since 1961! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Andy_Richter
    Andy Richter    Has mankind ever fallen further short of his potential than “second verse same as the first?” 15 hours ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Washington is the only place where things grind to a halt when people get back from vacation. 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mikeleffingwell
    Mike Leffingwell    “That’s so Raven” – Raven Symone’s parents identify her body. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Don’t Forget: No Wearing Pants After Labor Day

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, we talk about sports: College Football starting tonight, NFL running back Chris Johnson getting a contract extension. Plus, one Tweeter asks a good question about a common Twitter trending topic. Enjoy!

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    Got a problem with your golf game? I sincerely hope you fix it. But don’t make a movie about it. 7 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JasonSobelGC
    Jason Sobel    NFL star Chris Johnson agrees to 4-year/$53.5 million extension. That contract alone would place him fourth on all-time PGA Tour money list. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    When writing about states’ rights, be sure to cite relevant precedents. U.S. v. The Confederate States of America is especially relevant. 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My French Fries and cole slaw are touching. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @EricStangel
    Eric Stangel    In order to believe hoax Tony Danza died while filming in New Zealand, you’d have to believe that he was filming anything 37 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    in honor of the start of College Football I have covered my floor with nachos and am drinking grain alcohol through a straw. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    If you didn’t board the #hogwartsexpress this morning then your life is sad. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Why does Bernie Mac always trend when his reruns are on? “The Andy Griffith Show” is on all the time and you never see “RIP Don Knotts”. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    Don’t forget: No wearing pants after Labor Day. 19 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Kids who drink coffee are assholes. 5 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @PaulyPeligroso
    Pauly Casillas    I couldn’t work at a Rainforest Cafe without yelling “You know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby! You’re gonna die!” 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Today’s Funniest Tweets

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Twitter isn’t a PG environment, so some of these might be NSFW. Enjoy!

    @jennyandteets
    Jenny Mollen    Going out to clubs doesn’t make you a whore. Checking into them on 4 square does. 6 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Cheaper than an iPad 2: at the end of your emails, type “Sent from my iPad 2.” 34 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    You can tell a lot about a person within the first 5 minutes of starting a movie with subtitles. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Report deaths from a natural disaster accurately, even if you had a much higher number in the newsroom pool. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    Beyonce’s pregnant? Good luck keeping your problem count at 99, Jay-Z. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JenKirkman
    Jen Kirkman    Read an article saying childless people should baby-proof their home for their friends with kids. Gonna put birth control pills in a dish. 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Jesus_M_Christ
    Jesus Christ    For all you with birthdays around Christmas, sorry for all those combined birthday/Christmas gifts you get. My bad. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @normmacdonald
    Norm Macdonald    In his VMA acceptance speech Justin Bieber thanked God and also Jesus. Way to leave out the Holy Ghost, Infidel. 10 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Det_AceVentura
    Ace Ventura    Girls named Irene are probably pretty ready to stop hearing jokes about them blowing stuff and get back to their normal lives. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Bez
    bez    I give my kids Lunchables so they know what disappointment tastes like. I also include a note that says “you’re a disappointment.” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto