WebProNews

Tag: daily

  • Tim Tebow, National Coming Out Day, and Chris Gaines

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Has this week been the longest for anyone else? It’s only Tuesday. FML. Oh well, bring on the tweets.

    @TheFakeCNN
    The Fake CNN    Google+ is like a gym membership. Everyone signs up for it but never uses it 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    BREAKING: Univ of South Carolina has dismissed QB Stephen Garcia from the team. Tim Tebow expected to be named starter later today. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Happy National Coming Out Day, @MargieJPhelps !!!! 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @bazecraze
    Alex Baze    “Undefeated Detroit Lions” sounds like one of those phrases they throw in to sci-fi movies so you know it’s the future. 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @justinisntfunny
    Justin Clark    So, was Snake Pliskin really Captain Ron in an alternate reality? 8 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Mitt Romney’s lack of pizza experience is really coming back to haunt him. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will    Ok pickup line: Unless you were molested by a guy who looks exactly like me, there’s no reason we shouldn’t grab coffee sometime. 5 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    Everyone at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park should ask for a refund when they find out they can’t ride Hermione. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    is waiting for the new Chris Gaines album. 6 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @Jesus_M_Christ
    Jesus Christ    I was going to go to America for my Second Coming, but they don’t seem to take too kindly to immigrants named Jesus. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JenKirkman
    Jen Kirkman    Happy National Coming Out Day! Kick those doors down & be who you are! Lots of people love you! (You too Republican Senators!) 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    I’d never compare people I don’t like to Hitler, but the people who make the little “x” button impossible to find on pop-up ads are Hitler. 20 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    If I show you a picture on my iPhone and you begin scrolling through my photos without asking, I’ll fucking run you over with my car. 23 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    “Yer left! Yer left! Yer left-left-left!” (one legged boot camp) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    Does anybody know when National Coming Out Day is in Iran?? 2 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @DanRegans
    Dan Regan    Does the store “Staples” enjoy confusing people by putting their name on a box of paper clips? 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Columbus Day, A-Rod, and Reese’s

    Columbus Day, A-Rod, and Reese’s

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    It’s Friday – so enough from me, let’s get to the funny. Enjoy!

    @seanconroy
    Sean Conroy    A-Rod made $122, 436 per strikeout tonight. Ballpark. #occupyarod 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @LouBrutus
    Lou Brutus    I’m going to celebrate Columbus Day by going out for Indian food, getting lost, winding up at American Grille and enslaving the staff. 8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Its_Death
    Steve Death    Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re morbidly obese. 50 minutes ago via TweetList Pro · powered by @socialditto

    @moshekasher
    moshekasher    Scooter riders are exactly the same as motorcycle riders except for all the penises in their butts. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Despite the fan cries, billboards, and seeing Tebow’s face in his toast this morning, John Fox still sticking with Orton. 4 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s 😉
    – Diabetes 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    Said “Yum!” in an Applebee’s. RT @Applebees: Never, have I ever __________ 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    Hey people that sit on planes not reading, listening to or watching anything: you look like serial killers. 1 hour ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    BARTENDER GIVE DRUNK HULK LIGHT BEER BY MISTAKE! THAT LIKE GET SKEET ULRICH WHEN YOU WANT JOHNNY DEPP! 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    I love E.L.O. because, if you say it the right way, you’re a fun dad answering the phone. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    All distances should be expressed in the standard journalistic unit, the football field. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    Lamar Odom got his Kardashian at a scratch and dent sale. 1 hour ago via TweetCaster for iOS · powered by @socialditto

    @_Snape_
    Professor Snape    The fact that only Muggles win the Nobel Peace Prize never ceases to amaze me. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    TRIVIA: A-Rod was originally cast in Hugh Jackman’s roll for “Real Steel”, but nobody wanted to watch a robot swing and miss for 2 hours. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Real Steel, Blue Oyster Cult and Steve Guttenberg

    Real Steel, Blue Oyster Cult and Steve Guttenberg

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have some tastefully funny tweets about Steve Jobs, we learn what it means to be “ricist” and we get a rather simple request for hip hop artists.

    Enjoy!

    @Pat_Healy
    Pat Healy    I wonder how long I’ll feel awful using Steve Job’s technology to write something frivolous or disgusting. 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @toddlevin
    todd levin    Despite some really solid advice from Blue Öyster Cult, I continue to fear the reaper. 13 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @bazecraze
    Alex Baze    Whenever I see a water aerobics class in progress, I like to pretend a Weight Watchers cruise just capsized. 53 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    What exactly is everyone on the Internet thanking Steve Gutenberg for? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Hey, hip hop artists. Would it kill you to throw in a few rhymes about raisin toast or farmers’ markets? 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @theNuzzy
    david nuzzy nussbaum    Last night at karaoke, a chick with a stutter sang Benny and the Jets for 3 hours. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @iamnatho
    Nat Ho    Real Steel is a must-watch. 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    Wii Fit says I’m obese. #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @JoeMande
    Joe Mande    Diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea. RT @WhiteCastle: If you were to describe @WhiteCastle in 3 words they would be ______, ______, and _____. 2 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Chad Henne out for the year. Dolphins’ 0-17 hopes in jeopardy, but coaches say they aren’t about to give up on losing that easily. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Ricist = only eating white OR brown rice. Not out of any preference, but b/c that’s how your ricist parents raised you. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    Just saw Eli Manning shilling Samsungs. Really? Don’t you have to be in the top like 5 fantasy QBs to be on TV? 16 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

  • Happy Days, Siri, and Hot Pockets

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, people are still buzzing about the iPhone 4S, specifically the voice-assistant Siri. We also see why Darth Vader gets a bad rap and learn what your body thinks when you eat a Hot Pocket.

    Enjoy!

    @Tinasintunes
    Tinasintunes    I wonder how Siri will cope when I’m drunk and slurring my words and telling her how much I love her….. 8 hours ago via Tweetlogix · powered by @socialditto

    @fleshcake
    G.T. Collins    Hot Pockets are like brain teasers for your digestive system. 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hotdogsladies
    Merlin Mann    Pro Tip:Fastest way to quintuple the number of people you know? Sync your contacts. 3 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @SteveMartinToGo
    Steve Martin    I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly. 1 hour ago via Mobile Web · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    Apple just sent me a cease and desist saying I’m no longer allowed to remind men to call their wives when they get off work 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    #WhenAmandaKnoxGotHomeSheSaid “Did Amy Winehouse ever get into rehab?” 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    What is your greatest dream? Write it down. Look at it. You will never achieve it if you smoke marijuana, even once. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    Kind of fell asleep during The Deer Hunter, but Vietnam was totally fun and they all got laid, right? 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    I think comparing the declining quality of certain things to the show ‘Happy Days’ has really jumped the shark. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    Got LASIK, now I have to remove the lenses from my trendy glasses. #firstwordproblems 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @DeathStarPR
    Death Star PR    Darth Vader may be a “homicidal maniac” but name ONE person who’s done more to raise awareness for asthmatic amputees. You can’t. 34 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @arnoldkim
    Arnold Kim    Siri, how do I escape from a velociraptor attack? 2 hours ago via YoruFukurou · powered by @socialditto

  • iPhone 4s, Siri, And National Taco Day

    iPhone 4s, Siri, And National Taco Day

    After Apple pretty much took over the media cycle today, most of the content reflected the various announcements, and while the iPhone 5 did not show its highly-anticipated face, a release date for iOS 5 was given, and there was also news of the iPhone 4s. While this may very well underwhelm the masses, it made for a good time on Twitter, where the “iPhone 4s” topic has been a trend for the better part of the afternoon.

    Needless to say, some of Twitter responses will help comprise our “best tweets of the day” feature, and so, without any delay, we’ll get down to it:

    @_Snape_
    Professor Snape    Urgent news: Apple has released a product that you don’t need, but you won’t look trendy without. #iphone4s 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @CaptainPajamas
    Captain Pajamas    #iphone4s “same hoe …..different clothing” 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @IsaacHayes3
    Isaac Hayes III    They might as well re-name the “Find my Friends” app on the new #iPhone4S “Where the F*** is my Boyfriend”. 1 hour ago via Twittelator · powered by @socialditto

    @freezingman66
    Phil    Guess they released the #iphone4s instead of iPhone 5 because they didn’t quite work out how to make it cure pancreatic cancer. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    Ouch. People are pissed about not getting to see the iPhone 5, which helps drive Professor Snape’s tweet home even further. So does this piece of snark:

    @angshep
    Angie Shepherd    Comcast is renaming channel 5. They’re calling it channel 4s. It has the same programming no one wanted on Channel 4. #iphone5 #iphone4s 1 minute ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    As for the announcement of Siri, an earlier post did a great job of nailing the reaction, so we won’t delve. There is, however, this little post which sums things up quite well:

    @gawthrok
    Kevin Gawthrope    Trying to figure out how much I would actually USE #Siri – after the initial “press-all-the-buttons-in-the-new-car-factor” wore off. 17 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    Which allows us to transition to National Taco Day. Because of the double entendre involved — Urban Dictionary it if you aren’t aware — it made for some provocative and amusing tweets. Some, well, they’re just happy today is reserved for tacos, apparently:

    @caitlinvon
    Caitlin    FUKING FREEKIN OOT!!!!! HAPPY NATIONAL TACO DAY, #zomg 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @614Magazine
    (614) Magazine    Happy National Taco Day! I think this calls for a #Margarita. 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @nickcomic
    Nick Guerra    Happy National Taco Day! Celebrate by folding every plate you eat off of. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    While others are clearly enjoying the double meaning:

    @NotGaryBusey
    Not Gary Busey    “Happy National Taco Day!” I will be yelling at the crotches of ladies. 2 hours ago via TweetCaster for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @BettyFckinWhite
    Betty F*ckin’ White    Happy National Taco Day! I just made some with a juicy mango salsa. Who wants to eat my juicy taco? 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @CJ_CherryB
    CJ Cherry    Happy National Taco Day! Everyone go out and eat a taco! Even if it’s a ‘pink’ taco 😀 2 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    Ah yes. People love when a word gets adopted as a sexual connotation. It makes communication that much more enjoyable. With that, enjoy the rest of your National Taco Day.

  • Terra Nova, Green Day, and Monopoly at McDonalds

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    It’s Friday! And for that we are thankful. It seemed to drag on a bit for Drunk Hulk though. Like most Fridays, the tweeting topics are varied and have no real rhyme or reason. Enjoy a few laughs before your weekend:

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    I wish the dinosaurs from “Terra Nova” were on “Whitney”. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EugeneMirman
    Eugene Mirman    I wonder if Obama is collecting all the terrorists he’s killing in a giant pile he’ll show off at ground zero right before the election? 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    #FF Nobody. Go outside and play. Paint a tree. Climb a hillock. Notice birds. 6 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    The worst part about this time of the year is having to go wake up Green Day. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    COME ON 5 O’CLOCK! DRUNK HULK SEE MICHAEL HANEKE MOVIE THAT MOVE FASTER THAN TODAY! 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    Relax about your museum, shitty city. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    We all say we wouldn’t let another Holocaust happen, yet here we are in a world where Kid Rock has multiple platinum albums. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    When I’m eating cereal I have to turn my volume up on my television because the food crunching is so loud. #firstworldproblems 3 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @rationalists
    CJ Werleman    Obama has now executed Anwar al-Awlaki and Bin Laden. Rick Perry has executed an innocent man and a coyote. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FrankLongo
    R Dot H    Last year I played #McDMonopoly every meal for a month. I then had to play #McDOperation. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Jesus_M_Christ
    Jesus Christ    I only got into this Messiah thing because I was a really shitty carpenter. 35 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • The Atlanta Braves, National Coffee Day, and Sing-alongs

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today is National Coffee Day, so coffee is big on Twitter. People also have a lot of material when it comes to the Red Sox and Braves and their epic fails from last night.

    Enjoy!

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Even LeBron James thinks the Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves choked. 17 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    I like my coffee like I like my women: helping me poop. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Things people used to say while drunk off their ass at 3 AM they now say on Twitter while perfectly sober. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    If singing along to a song in your car looked as cool as it felt, no one would ever not get laid. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    It’s funny how we all just accepted the song ‘Black Velvet’ as if it actually made any fucking sense. 4 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @DobbyWrnsHryPtr
    Kirsten    Candy really is the best pickup line for little boys. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I just made a sandwich, and the piece of bread on top is smaller. #firstworldproblems 5 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    New book reveals Walter Payton was a depressed, suicidal drug user after he retired. Current Bears fans say they can relate. 6 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @BettyFckinWhite
    Betty F*ckin’ White    Happy National Coffee Day! I like my men like I like my coffee, held tightly between my thighs while I’m driving. 10 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @someecards
    someecards    Congratulations to the Atlanta Braves on having their epic collapse overshadowed by the Red Sox’s. http://t.co/uatXSOl8 #RedSox 5 hours ago via Tweet Button · powered by @socialditto

    @HairyJew4Life
    Hebrew Hammer    My girlfriend got in a car accident and it’s been really hard on her, being in a wheelchair and all. Plus, I’m sure being dumped sucks. 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • The Red Sox, Andy Rooney, and The Porn Industry

    The Red Sox, Andy Rooney, and The Porn Industry

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have tweets about new and upcoming technology like the iPhone 5 and Amazon’s just-announced Kindle Fire tablet, we see who might be replacing Andy Rooney, and we also see how the porn industry could really brand the month of October.

    Enjoy!

    @fleshcake
    G.T. Collins    I’d understand getting a ticket for not coming to a complete stop if every murder ever was solved. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeCNN
    The Fake CNN    BREAKING: iPhone 5 to include “drunk mode” that way your drunk texts never leave your phone. 15 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @dmoren
    Dan Moren    Jeff Bezos now being led away in handcuffs. Did you know it’s against the law to yell Kindle Fire in a crowded theater? 6 hours ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will Phillips    It sucks that we still don’t have all the weapons from Contra. 16 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @danieltosh
    daniel tosh    the dolphins will end the season 13-3 #insaneproclamations 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?” 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Raymond    “What a pussy!” – George of the Jungle reading about Sonny Bono’s death 16 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    Happy New Year to my Jewish pals! As a gift, I got you a calendar that ACKNOWLEDGES THE BIRTH OF JESUS CHRIST THE MESSIAH. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TomBodett
    Tom Bodett    I don’t drink or use drugs. Trying to figure out how to prep for tonight’s Red Sox finale. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @DougBenson
    Doug Benson    If the porn industry doesn’t call next month Cocktober, they are ignoring a tremendous marketing angle. #GoodMorning 8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @timcarvell
    Tim Carvell    I assume CBS will keep going with what’s been working for them, and replace Andy Rooney with Ashton Kutcher. 17 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • FIFA, Nancy Grace, and Google

    FIFA, Nancy Grace, and Google

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Nancy Grace’s wardrobe malfunction on last night’s Dancing With The Stars is big on Twitter. Also, the Doritos founder’s death is still a trending topic and we learn what the soccer video game FIFA 12 really stands for.

    Enjoy!

    @lolacronyms
    LOL Acronyms    When guys become obsessed with the newly-released FIFA 12 = Females Ignored For Another 12 months. 7 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    Sometimes when I’m waiting for food to cook, I eat other food and get to full to eat my cooked food. #FirstWorldProblems 4 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Happy 13th Birthday Google! Only 4 more years and you can date Mark Sanchez. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Every action has an equal & opposite reaction. AKA the “If you see Scarlett Johansson’s nipple, you’ll see Nancy Grace’s nipple” theorem. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    I think Chris Christie should run. Like, twice a day. And lots of stretching. 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    Just finished my morning exercise routine. (I forgot some stuff upstairs a few times.) 8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hotdogsladies
    Merlin Mann    #BecauseOfJustinBieber I finally found the courage to put a senator’s daughter in my well. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Are you part of an indie band that is having trouble coming up with a name? Try “Nancy Grace’s Nipple” You’re welcome. 16 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RobinMcCauley
    Robin McCauley    I watched the new enhanced Star Wars on Blu-ray. My favorite part is when George Lucas shoots all of the George Lucas’ to save George Lucas. 5 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @Prince___Harry
    Prince Harry    SORRY JESUS I know you turned water into wine but I managed to turn a whole student loan into Vodka….beat that….. 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmyfallon
    jimmy fallon    The inventor of Doritos has passed away at 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack. #FallonMono 18 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

  • Brooklyn Nets, Doritos, and Herpes

    Brooklyn Nets, Doritos, and Herpes

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today the Nets are big on Twitter and we pay tribute to the creator of Doritos.

    Enjoy!

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    It is now more likely that there will be an NBA season this year than a functioning government. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    New Jersey Nets are now Brooklyn Nets. Uniform changes include authentic vintage circa ’69 jerseys and skinny jeans. 5 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @friedmanjon
    Jon Friedman    RIP Arch West, creator of Doritos. Hope you’re resting comfortably at your cool ranch in the sky. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    I hate when men stare at me. It’s like, can’t a girl use the urinal in peace?? 1 hour ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @Lifeinsandbox
    Life in the Sandbox    Monday: It’s like herpes. It always comes back. 4 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    Coffins are shitty time capsules. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @AdamComedian
    Adam Hunter    Jay Z just Announced the Brooklyn Nets. Their Mascot is the “Duck” 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @dreadful_rauw
    Thomas Jenkins    Dennis Miller has endorsed Herman Cain. That’s the first time he’s made me laugh since the 90’s. 2 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

    @kevinmattjones
    KMJ    If you’re in a bind, Ben Roethlisberger will autograph the duct tape. 18 hours ago via Twitter for Windows Phone · powered by @socialditto

    @Cedrizzy
    Cedric Prince    That awkward moment when you realize Facebook has made more changes than Obama. 15 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Kurt Cobain, Falling Satellites, and Dolphins

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    For previous daily tweets articles go here

    Today is a real smorgasbord of topics, so let’s get right to it – Enjoy!

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    I don’t know the Whole family and I’m tired of being told what’s fun for them. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I made my favorite song my ringtone and now I don’t like it as much. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    So long All My Children – Middle aged housewives and also Casey Anthony 28 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jakefogelnest
    Jake Fogelnest    Imagine trying to explain animated GIFs to Kurt Cobain. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @conanobrienswyf
    Meg Abbitch    It could be worse, Asian guys named Jesse. 3 hours ago via UberSocial for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @RexHuppke
    Rex Huppke    I have to admit, I would’ve preferred a movie about Morgan Freeman losing an arm and getting a prosthetic dolphin attached. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    As long as it’s not the satellite that controls the Domino’s Pizza Tracker, I’m cool with it crashing to the ground. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @juliweiner
    Juli Weiner    It’s pretty funny seeing Rick Santorum standing in front of a big wall that says “GOOGLE” 19 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    “It’s gotta be ten and twelve somewhere right?!” – Driver’s Ed Instructor Addict 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @theNuzzy
    david nuzzy nussbaum    Pretty successful morning. “Masturbation” has been trending in my bathroom for the past 2 hours. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    Per capita, MMA guys have the worst t-shirts. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    How dare you diagnose me with amnesia! Do you have any idea who I am? 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • f8, Hurricane Hilary, and Levi’s Commercials

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    For previous daily tweets articles go here

    Today the Twitterverse was buzzing about the f8 conference and Mark Zuckerberg’s announced changes to Facebook. We also learn an interesting stat about the satellite heading towards Earth and see how a call about “family matters” can be interpreted in multiple ways.

    Enjoy!

    @DannyDover
    Danny Dover    New Facebook Timeline: This sounds oddly like writing my own obituary as an infographic… #timeline #f8 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Raymond    My mom texted me “we need to discuss some family matters.”
    She either saw the episode where Urkel turned into Stefan or she found my weed. 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    There’s another episode of the GOP debate? Haven’t they canceled that show yet? 3 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    I’d like to thank guys flexing in their Facebook pictures for making this comedy thing very easy for me. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @alanajoy
    ΛLΛNΛ JOY    Every single day, every word you say, every game you play, every night you stay: I’ll be watching you… #f8 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    If I hear an adult call their dad “daddy” I assume he or she had lots of sex with him growing up. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    If you’re wondering, there’s just a 1 in 21 trillion chance any satellite debris will hit that Flo lady from the Progressive commercials. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    Hurricane Hillary? This will be the first time she’s blown anything in 30 years. 4 hours ago via TweetCaster for iOS · powered by @socialditto

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    America would be so much better if our leaders were half as inspiring as our Levi’s commercials. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @joshuatopolsky
    Joshua Topolsky    #f8 is getting really emotional. 2 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    The gap in volume levels between action scenes and dialogue in my movie is too wide. #FirstWorldProblems 17 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

  • Ron Artest, Stephen King, and New Facebook

    Ron Artest, Stephen King, and New Facebook

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we get tweets about Facebook’s loathed changes to the news feed, Ron Artest’s (Metta World Peace) early exit from Dancing With The Stars, and we see what aliens would learn from a visit to Earth.

    Enjoy!

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    “UGH, IT’S SO ROUND AND USEFUL, I HATE IT!” – Facebook User the day the wheel came out 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Matt_Tice
    Matt Tice    I got pulled over so I cried like girls do but the cop still gave me a ticket for speeding and another for being a “Fag.” Dad? Is that you? 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    It would be amazing if Wolf Blitzer married Burt Wolf because I don’t think those guys are even gay. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @andylevy
    Andy Levy    The only possible conclusion from the amount of R.E.M. tweets in my timeline is that I follow way too many white people. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    I like my women like my coffee; bold, rich, and hopefully a bunch of baristas haven’t dipped their balls in them. 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @steveagee
    Steve Agee    if aliens learn one thing from visiting Earth it’s that humans like to watch other humans fuck. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @shariv67
    Shari Vanderwerf    In honor of Stephen King’s birthday, I’m reenacting the elevator doors scene from The Shining in my pants. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EliBraden
    Eli Braden    Anyone surprised Ron Artest was first to go on Dancing With the Stars has obviously never seen a horror movie 17 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FrankConniff
    Frank Conniff    I googled “Santorum” and the results were disgusting: stories and articles about Rick Santorum. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    I’m starting to think Rick Perry and Tyler Perry aren’t even related. 5 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    I bring a deer carcass when I fly as my carrion. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @KingWillonius
    Willonius B Dynomite    #newfacebook reminds me of #oldmyspace 3 hours ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

  • Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Charlie Sheen, and Pierced Ears

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have tweets about the Roast of Charlie Sheen as well as the premiere of the new Two and a Half Men. We also find why it’s hard to look masculine at a Starbucks, no matter what you do. Enjoy!

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    Approx 6,747,435,699 other people on Earth joined me in not giving a shit about last night’s “Two and a Half Men” premiere. 21 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @andylevy
    Andy Levy    Threats are a violation of Twitter’s rules. RT: @justinbieber: oh yeah…and i think LESS THAN A MONTH…Im gonna give you some #newmusic 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @SarahKSilverman
    Sarah Silverman    When ur relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in a woody allen movie 1 hour ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @ComedyCentral
    Comedy Central    “@CharlieSheen‘s the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a #Sheenis.” @SethMacFarlane #SheenRoast http://t.co/jj9DFiif 15 hours ago via twitter ads · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    To learn more about the housewives, got to bravotv.com. To learn more THAN the housewives, read any book ever. 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    How old is Manny? RT @espn At what age does it become lame to bring your glove to the ballpark? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    ‘FIERCE METAL JACKET’ #DADT 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    If I’m to believe television, and it’s never lied to me before, the 1960’s were dimly lit and everyone was a dick. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jennyandteets
    Jenny Mollen    50% of marriages end in a man over 40 getting his ear pierced. 11 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    (The experience of deciding to not use) Google+ is now open to everyone! 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    A guy could fuck a woman on top of the counter at Starbucks and he’d still sound gay ordering a chai tea latte with cinnamon sprinkles. 7 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @alyankovic
    Al Yankovic    I keep getting these creepy late-night phone calls from the CEO of Netflix saying that no one else is ever going to love me like he does. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Steely Dan, Qwikster and Words With Friends

    Steely Dan, Qwikster and Words With Friends

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have a lot of good material about Reed Hasting’s announcement about Netflix and Qwikster. Also, we learn how Steely Dan might review a business on Yelp. Enjoy!

    @MattDudleyTN
    Matt Dudley    Imagine if @Netflix and Qwikster combined services… unlimited DVD rentals and streaming. Now THAT would be awesome. 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    This is our 666th tweet, so only appropriate that we mention Chris Berman. 6 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @cornlog
    Gabriel Marcus    “GRVDQIX” should be a word on Words with Friends. 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @donni
    Donni Saphire    “Ricky, don’t use that plumber.” -Steely Dan discovers Yelp 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmycarr
    Jimmy Carr    Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Ok…’WE HAVE KIDNAPPED YOUR FAMILY, GIVE US $2 MILLION OR WE WILL SHOOT THEM’. 11 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @daveanthony
    daveanthony    At some point in his life Danny Trejo took a bath with a woman. Now try to sleep. 12 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @sacca
    Chris Sacca    I just hope @Qwikster can hear all the new follower notification buzzes over the bubbling of his bong water. 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DougBenson
    Doug Benson    Misspelling a joke on Twitter is like stuttering during a spoken one – people might appreciate the thought but they’re not going to laugh. 8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @paulscheer
    Paul Scheer    The Netflix Letter forgot 2 mention a 3rd service FlixQuix which only delivers VHS & Laserdiscs and punches you in the nuts when they arrive 12 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    Pop quiz. You’re hanging upside down, trying to convince me you’re telling the truth. Who do you swear to? A. God. B. Me C. Piss yourself. 1 hour ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

  • Star Wars, John Cusack, and Lite-Brites

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we find people tweeting about the release of Star Wars on Blu-ray, proper leadership skills, and we see that Scarlett Johansson is still a viable topic of discussion. Enjoy!

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    My Facebook friends pray to a God who cares an awful lot about their kids’ Little League games. 4 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    It’s Friday. Someone should write a song about Fridays and how it compares to other days of the week. 7 hours ago via Twitterrific · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Glad to hear Scarlett Johansson brought in the FBI. If ever there was a case for the Federal Booty Inspectors, this is it. 51 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    Sometimes my cursor gets outside the text box, and when i backspace I leave the page 🙁 #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Missing children who are bi-racial can be found on cartons of half & half. 12 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Leadership is about making bold decisions even when you have no idea what anyone in the meeting is talking about. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will Phillips    A swastika made out of Lite-Brites contains 10% less hate. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    Star Wars Blu-ray is out today. Finally, Star Wars fans get to give George Lucas more money. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JoeMande
    Joe Mande    Must love ‘Must Love Dogs.’ – John Cusack looking for a roommate. 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MakersMark
    Maker’s Mark    #AnnoyingThingsPeopleSay – “Was that the last of your bourbon?” 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    [Lead Image Courtesy]

  • Pat Robertson, The Sixth Sense, and Love Handles

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have tweets about Pat Robertson’s suggestion to those living with Alzheimer’s, a rather unimpressive superpower, and we find what really makes people apathetic about health care reform. Enjoy!

    @kylekinane
    Kyle Kinane    Papa Johns delivering me an unsliced pizza just says, “We know you’re alone and going to eat the whole thing tonight. Dig in, fat ass.” 15 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    It’d be nice if Jane Austen movies had a titty trumpet to wake me up if there were any. 12 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SarahKSilverman
    Sarah Silverman    Hey kids! Check out the Camel Crush! It’s a cigarette u can *CRUSH* into a minty menthol! Whoa! fun! 2 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @Wolfrum
    William K. Wolfrum    Shorter Pat Robertson: If you love someone, set them free. If they can’t find their way back, you’re free to leave. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jamonthirteen
    jamonthirteen    Ladies, I have two love handles: born2satisfy & ladyluvr69; I also have two of the love handles you initially thought I was talking about. 6 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @michael_bay__
    fake michael_bay    Folks: I’m just like everyone else. I put my pants on one leg at a time but with the help of 3 supermodels and then blowup a cruise ship. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    The pizza guy actually asked for my coupon, and now I can’t use it a second time. #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBillWalton
    The Bill Walton Trip    Twitter is now available in five new languages. Unfortunately for Rick Perry & Michele Bachmann, “Insane Rambling” is not one of them. 7 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @NikiWithIssues
    Niki    I’m starting to accept the fact that the closest I’ll ever get to having a superpower is being invisible on gtalk. 2 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Elderly woman ahead of me at Subway is paying for her lunch with nickels and now I don’t even give a shit about health care reform. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    When I get alzheimer’s I’m going to watch The Sixth Sense like every day. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Scarlett Johansson, Sarah Palin, and MapQuest

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we go heavy on the tweets about Scarlett Johansson and Sarah Palin, as they were both involved in some big NSFW internet news today. We also see why you should never claim to not care about your birthday. Enjoy!

    @Fake_Dispatch
    Fake Dispatch    BREAKING: If you see a link for “Scarlett Johansson pics” DON’T OPEN IT! It will make you late to work. 8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @shitmydadsays
    Justin    “Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday. It’s like watching a hooker pretend she’s out for a walk when cops drive by.” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SklarBrothers
    The Sklar Brothers    So Sarah Palin had a 1 night stand with Glen Rice back in ’87. He was always good at nailing things from beyond the arc(tic circle) 6 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @EugeneMirman
    Eugene Mirman    Does anyone know what the site was that had people writing Justin Bieber fantasies that was trending sometime in the last few weeks? 8 minutes ago via Twitterrific · powered by @socialditto

    @ConanOBrien
    Conan O’Brien    Mapquest is such a dramatic name. “Tell me, O Map Quest, how I doth get to the doughnut shop near Reggie’s house?” #slownewsday 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    Woke up to what I thought was the sound of a broken ceiling fan. Turns out it was just every guy in the world fap’ing to Scarlett Johansson. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mpos
    Mark Patrick    What’s the shock about Glen Rice hooking up with Sarah Palin? He could always nail a 3. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JenKirkman
    Jen Kirkman    I didn’t find Cat Stevens conversion to Islam a threat to America but I did find his cover of “Another Saturday Night” to be one. 1 hour ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @therealzooeyd
    zooey deschanel    @mindykaling – should probably be called missoni for target for eBay. 17 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @MySecondEmpire
    Chris Jones    I wonder if Sarah Palin could see Russia from on top of Glen Rice. 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Tupac, Tyler Perry, and Nachos

    Tupac, Tyler Perry, and Nachos

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, we have tweets about the hot topics of the day – Manny Ramirez, Tupac and Miss Universe. We find a true First World Problem and discover that Tony Romo is still a pretty good punching bag. Enjoy!

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Make sure your op-ed about football building manly values in boys is well-illustrated with pictures of toned athletes in spandex. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    2pac would’ve loved to wake up & see “RIP Tupac” trending worldwide. Too bad the island he’s on doesn’t have wifi. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    #quarterbacksBetterThanRomo @KimKardashian because at least she doesn’t choke when she has brown balls in her hand. 16 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DanielBettridge
    Daniel Bettridge    Point Break remake confirmed? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! *shoots imaginary gun at the air* 12 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @EricStangel
    Eric Stangel    Aren’t we getting tired of Angola winning everything?? Give someone else a chance… #MissUniverse 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JasFly
    JasFly    Tyler Perry is the worst thing to happen to black people since The Fresh Prince switched over to a light skin Aunt Viv. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I got into a cab in NYC but it wasn’t the Cash Cab. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    I’m really looking forward to reading Levi Johnston’s new tell-all book “I Came In Bristol, Now We Have A Kid And I Need Money.” 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @fleshcake
    G.T. Collins    The universe is like an infinite plate of nachos but not at all. 13 hours ago via twicca · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Manny Ramirez arrested on domestic violence charges. That’s just Manny being Chris Brown. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    I’m pretty sure this Tuesday is a Monday that has just cleverly disguised itself with polyjuice potion. 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Tony Romo, Entourage, and Warm Milk

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we go a little sports heavy with Tweets about Tony Romo and the Indianapolis Colts. We also see what Sarah Silverman is truly tired of and see why Anthony Weiner’s name is still pretty funny. Enjoy!

    @TheFakeCNN
    Fake News    Inspirational Quote of the day: When you think things can’t be worse just remember you could be a Colts Fan. 6 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @andylevy
    Andy Levy    Woke up sweating this morning after a horrible nightmare that Entourage wasn’t really over. #scary 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @bengreenman
    Ben Greenman    I don’t like when they say that Anthony Weiner’s district, traditionally Democratic, “might change hands.” It’s an unpleasant image. 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    I’m the only person in this screening of WARRIOR. #offgothepants 34 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @funnybrad
    Brad Williams    Today is Tony Romo Day! Everyone gets to leave work 15 minutes early! 4 hours ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    When wife said “meet @ bagel store” I made mistake of going 2 bagel store instead of reading her mind &going 2 store that didn’t sell bagels 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Kids, if your dad ever says, “It was nice having the house to myself for a few hours,” it means while you were out he was masturbating. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SarahKSilverman
    Sarah Silverman    I’m pretty much done watching actors & actresses pensively looking out windows 2 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    Our new microwave at work doesn’t rotate the food #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @brandon_burrows
    Brandon Burrows    Napoleon Dynamite’s uncle, Rico #quarterbacksbetterthanRomo 12 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @mikeleffingwell
    Mike Leffingwell    Can’t sleep? Drink some warm milk. After throwing up you’ll sleep like a baby. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @dubouchet
    Andrés du Bouchet    Finally saw ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’. Loved the film, hated how it challenged my knowledge of which words in a title to capitalize 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Marty McFly, The Kardashians, and Starbursts

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we find Twitter discussing Marty McFly’s Nikes, a famous 90’s TV babe and what Twitter should really be called. Plus we find out Herman Melville’s real motivation for authorship. Enjoy!

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    “I’m gonna be in every crossword puzzle EVER!” — Herman Melville, upon completing his novel OMOO 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @pauldanke
    Paul Danke    Did we ever get the story behind Pace Picante Sauce’s anti New York City propaganda? 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    When women cry, their faces look like half-chewed Starbursts. 16 hours ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @MrFornicator
    Jamie Capria    The reason they named it Twitter is because they didn’t think Timesuck would appeal to the masses. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    WILL YOU RECOGNISE DRUNK HULK! CALL DRUNK HULK NAME! OR WALK ON BY! RAIN KEEP FALL! KEEP FALL! DOWN! DOWN! DOWN! 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    Wrote a paper on big 90s boobs, but I was never totally satisfied with my Tiffany Amber Thesis. 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @birbigs
    Mike Birbiglia    This Kardashians show is so well written. 5 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Obama could guarantee re-election by buying a pair of the Marty McFly shoes and wearing them during every public address. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Dear whores turned soccer moms,
    I’m not praying for your kid who has the sniffles and wet farts, so stop making that your Facebook status. 4 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @DanaJGould
    Dana Gould    Storage Wars – Deleted Scenes: “That appears to be a bucket of hands.” 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @fakecarolbartz
    Carol Bartz    Tim Morse smells. 21 hours ago via Mobile Web · powered by @socialditto