WebProNews

Tag: daily

  • Winter Solstice, Bruce Wayne, and Vanilla Ice

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we learn how the Batman legend could have turned out differently. We also find out what it’s called when Vanilla Ice buys Microsoft products for his mom.

    Enjoy!

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Happy winter solstice, Northern Hemisphere! And happy whatever it is to you, Australia. Easter? 2009? Seriously, no clue. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Gotham would be a vastly different city had Bruce Wayne conquered a childhood fear of vaginas. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @stonrgrlproblem
    Stoner Girl Problems    If I light a joint on hannukah, will it burn for 8 days? #stonrgrlproblems 23 hours ago via Mobile Web · powered by @socialditto

    @YUCKYBOT
    The False Prophet    I bet at this point, Sir Mix-A-Lot just wants you to get that round thing out of his face so he can see the TV. 19 minutes ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My mom learned how to text #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @jakeandamir
    Amir Blumenfeld    If you wanna watch an entertaining Bradley Cooper movie, the options are Limitless. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Its_Death
    Steve Death    Vanilla Ice bought his mum a copy of Microsoft Office for Christmas. Word to his mother. 1 hour ago via TweetList Pro · powered by @socialditto

    @RobinMcCauley
    Robin McCauley    I just saw The Girl with the Henna Tattoo at the mall. I don’t recommend it. 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    All ready for the $acred Je$u$ holiday$? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Weird: I just found out that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is not mentioned in the New Testament. 27 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    Admit it, you laughed when you heard Kobe Bryant injured his wrist a week after his wife filed for divorce. 1 hour ago via TweetCaster for iOS · powered by @socialditto

    @Aimee_B_Loved
    Aimee B    Leaving out some milk and Snooki for Santa. Thanks for all the socks, jackass. Enjoy your herpes. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EyeOnNFL
    Eye on Football    If Mark Sanchez is indeed dating @KateUpton (as we’ve seen gossiped), he’s a lot more clutch than we ever thought 6 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @johnmoe
    John Moe    I really wish someone on Twitter would talk about the new trailer for The Hobbit. Why is everyone keeping it a secret? 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • The Dark Knight Rises, Jon Bon Jovi, and Hot Pockets

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have tweets about the fake news spread on Twitter announcing Jon Bon Jovi’s death. We also see why one YouTube user said after watching a new trailer and find out how hard a Hot Pocket is on your stomach.

    Enjoy!

    @Skinny_Post
    Phil Barber    Feel sorry for the cheerleaders… the stadium pitch black and Ben Roethlisberger lurking in the vicinity. 19 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    I always peek at my presents. And by “peek” I mean “waterboard my friends until they confess what they got me.” I hate surprises. 1 hour ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBosha
    The Bosha    One more week and Mannheim Steamroller gets to coast until next December. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @richardcheese
    Richard Cheese    We are sad to learn of the non-passing of Jon Bon Jovi. The music world mourns his remaining alive, and we send our condolences to his fan. 9 hours ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto

    @cornlog
    Hugh Jass    With Jon Bon Jovi dead you have to wonder what’ll happen with his nuclear weapons. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Palin says she is considering running for President “just for the free clothes and shit.” 44 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @tbrick2
    tierney bricker    “I just ejaculated.” — Youtube comment on The Dark Knight Rises trailer. Well said, Kameel661. Well said. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    They keep calling them “Mission Impossible” movies, but the missions keep turning out to have been possible. I call bullshit. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @fleshcake
    G.T. Collins    A Hot Pocket is like a Rubik’s Cube for your digestive system. 13 hours ago via WitStream · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Raymond    My favorite drinking game is waking up. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    All I want for Christmas is for radio stations to stop playing Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is you”. 1 hour ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    Found a Dusty Springfield album in the attic. Actually, it’s a Rick Springfield album, it’s just been up there a while. 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @mikepolkjr
    Mike Polk Jr.    Since the Steelers appear in the new Batman movie does that mean that proportionally the Browns must now cameo in a Ghost Rider sequel? 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I have a Weezer song stuck in my head but it’s not one from the blue album or Pinkerton. #firstworldproblems 58 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Ohio State banned from postseason play in 2012. Now Urban Meyer can coach AND spend more time with his family. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @_Natural_Light
    Natural Light    #lastminutegift a 40 ounce with a bow on it 25 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @jesawyer
    J.E. Sawyer    can’t wait to not understand either side of any conversation between batman and bane in the dark knight rises. 15 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Kim Jong-Il, Garfield, and Tebow Book Titles

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    As you might expect, Twitter is inundated with tweets about dead North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il. We also participate in one of the day’s popular hashtag trends #TebowBookTitles and see why Garfield shouldn’t really hate Mondays.

    Enjoy!

    @benmaller
    Ben Maller    After watching him try to play QB, its obvious Caleb Hanie must have photos of Chicago Bears coaches in compromising situations 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FrankConniff
    Frank Conniff    This is the time of year Kim Jong II used to love running over his enemies in a brand new Lexus with a red bow on top. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MensHumor
    Men’s Humor    Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I hit cancel but my printer won’t stop the print job. #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @MattGoldich
    Matt    Between Joe Paterno and Kim Jong-Il, not a good year for dictators with giant glasses. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kylekinane
    Kyle Kinane    What was Garfield’s beef with Mondays? It’s not like that fat little bitch had a job. 6 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    “Waffle House and 26 others also posted about Christmas.” Yes, thanks for reminding me to regret logging in, Facebook. 2 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @moc_moc_a_moc
    Martyn    I think the funniest thing about Kim Jong-il’s death is that it’s left a power vacuum in a dangerously unstable nuclear state. LOL. 9 hours ago via twicca · powered by @socialditto

    @Evil_Dumbledore
    Dumble-fucking-dory     I really hope Kim Jong II didn’t make a bunch of Horcruxes… 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    MAYBE IF PEOPLE STOP POUR WATER ON KARDASHIAN! AND NO FEED THEM AFTER MIDNIGHT! THERE NO BE SO MANY OF THEM! 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @bradshaw1984
    Brad Chapman    A guide to winning: limited talent edition #TebowBookTitles 2 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Jonai_Live
    Jonai Soto    #TebowBookTitles The Art of Tebowing. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ReillyRick
    Rick Reilly    Just in from North Korean state news agency: Kim Jong Il’s corpse shoots 54, incl 6 aces 6 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Per his instructions, Kim Jong-Il will be strapped to a nuclear missile and buried in South Korea. 7 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @adrianholovaty
    Adrian Holovaty    ☑ Kim Jong Il ☑ Khaddafi ☑ Osama Bin Laden ☑ Saddam Hussein ☐ This Twitter meme 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @HeyLibman
    Dan Libman    #TebowBookTitles Lonely Dick. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rare_basement
    Amber Eeeeeee    #TebowBookTitles Balls: I Touch Them 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Barry Bonds, The Facebook Timeline, and 99 Cent Stores

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, we have tweets about Barry Bonds, Christopher Hitchens, and Tim Tebow. We also learn why dogs might be starting to get a little mad at us.

    Enjoy!

    @darrenrovell
    darren rovell    The US government has reportedly spent more than $75 MILLION to get Barry Bonds a sentence of probation & house arrest. 15 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @michaelianblack
    Michael Ian Black    Still bummed that God killed Christopher Hitchens. 🙁 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @LouisPeitzman
    Louis Peitzman    Facebook Timeline tells you how many people wrote on your wall for your birthday each year, so you can see how far you’ve come/fallen. 51 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @lowtax
    Rich Lowtax Kyanka    dollar slots are like tim tebow: they dont do anything for three quarters 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ixSEANxi
    Sean Gabay    We’re probably calling every dog by its wrong name. 3 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    LL Cool J’s mother is a real instigator. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jennyandteets
    Jenny Mollen    I wish instead of reading “it’s complicated” people’s relationship statuses just said ” I’m fucking a guy who won’t call me his girlfriend” 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EugeneMirman
    Eugene Mirman    On an airplane with the door about to close. Not sure if I have enough time to download Words With Friends & get kicked off. 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @Pat_Healy
    Pat Healy    Do you think Herman Cain’s back to figuring out a way to construct a crust entirely out of pepperoni? 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    It takes more than 2 minutes for the heated seats on my luxury sedan to get warm. #firstworldproblems 1 hour ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @Fake_Dispatch
    Fake Dispatch    BREAKING: Job interviews of the future: “Well, your resume speaks well of your abilities. Now let’s check out your Facebook Timeline.” 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @paulscheer
    Paul Scheer    I like going to 99 Cent stores because it’s like getting a sneak peek of the world after an Apocalypse 1 hour ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @JonHeymanCBS
    Jon Heyman    barry bonds was sentenced to spend 30 days in his beverly hills mansion. i hope the feds are pleased with their efforts 33 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ReillyRick
    Rick Reilly    Do u realize w/out this hilariously fun Tebow story sports would be left w/ nothing but alleged pedophiles and coke dealers? 53 minutes ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @LouBrutus
    Lou Brutus    DEAR BARRY BONDS: You should totally open a chain “Barry Bonds Bail Bonds & Baseball Bulking Boutiques.” You’re welcome. 16 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

  • Big Macs, The God Particle, and Donald Trump

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we find that Twitter is talking about Donald Trump and Jerry Sandusky. We also learn the absolute best way to tell your kids they were adopted.

    Enjoy!

    @RubinReport
    Dave Rubin    #BigMac is trending, which means #Diarrhea will be trending about an hour from now. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    One good way to let people know you’re elderly is to put a full size bandaid on a tiny scratch on your face. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My dinner was ready at 16:56 so I couldn’t watch anything on TV while eating for four minutes. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @pourmecoffee
    pourmecoffee    Physicists at CERN announced they haven’t found the Higgs Boson “God particle,” but are bringing in Tebow for some tests. 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    Sandusky thinks he will prevail in his case. Guess he’s a “glass is half full of children about to testify against me” kind of guy. 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    Marriage is the process of turning your hot girlfriend into your sister. 4 hours ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    “I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don’t want a blue collar job.” – Everyone who eventually becomes a judge. 19 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    The GOP primary is what American Idol would be if every contestant was the “She Bangs” guy. 25 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    Some people are scared of snakes. I’m scared of guys from Boston with shaved heads and goatees when “Jump Around” comes on at a bar. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    I’d say the best way to let a child know they’re adopted is to put “mom” and “dad” in quotation marks on their birthday card. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    I’ve probably stumbled into a few rap videos during my weekend visits to Foot Locker. 42 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Ron_White
    Ron White    it’s funny my credit score, my blood alcohol content & high school GPA are all the same number (1.2) 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @beerinator
    Jonathan Surratt    You’ve heard about “Take your Daughter to work day?” I think we should do that tomorrow, except replace daughters with beer. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @denisleary
    Denis Leary    New doll for the holidays: Tickle Me Sandusky. 37 minutes ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @DuvaChristopher
    Christopher Duva    Donald #Trump pulls out. If only his father had done the same. http://t.co/dZFC2DAa @BorowitzReport 37 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ChrisPaulitzDC
    Chris Paulitz    #Trump walking away from his “debate” is like a one-handed man walking away from a clapping contest. #gop2012 42 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

  • Tim Tebow, Yelp, and The Virgin Mary

    Tim Tebow, Yelp, and The Virgin Mary

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we get a heavy dose of Twitter’s favorite topic of discussion: Time Tebow. We also see why Herman Cain might have left the race prematurely.

    Enjoy!

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    It was funny for a couple of days but now I think it’s time to kill Bennett. 43 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ReillyRick
    rick reilly    RT @GarrickDixon If you read Tom Brady’s lips when he was arguing with his coach he said “who the f*** do you think I am Tim Tebow?” 13 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @chrisbradshaw44
    chris bradshaw    Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the OJ chase. 4 hours ago via Twidroyd for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @TWlTTERWHALE
    Fail Whale    I would #textSanta but he has my iPhone 4S. *hint hint* 6 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    I can’t believe Mary’s parents bought that whole “pregnant virgin” story. 55 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    It’s tempting to think God is helping Tim Tebow win until you remember that Newt Gingrich is winning, too. #tebow #nfl 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RobinMcCauley
    Robin McCauley    Wrote my first Yelp review today. Now I’ll just sit back and wait for the money to start rolling in. 27 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    Beauty is only skin deep but that’s ok because my eyes can’t see any farther than that. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    I see all the men on the Urban Outfitters website take “don we now our gay apparel” very seriously. 19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @conanobrienswyf
    Stephanie    I saw mommy emasculating Santa Claus. 2 hours ago via UberSocial for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @Andy_Richter
    Andy Richter    Someone should have told Herman Cain that believing you are incapable of doing anything wrong is really more of a white thing. 12 hours ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @BiggsUNKO
    Beardjamin Button    Tim Tebow gets Chick Fil A on Sundays… 13 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    If you mean prone to seizures and night terrors then yes, I do have moves like Jagger. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    They say everything is bigger in Texas. I hate to think what Khloe is gonna look like in Dallas. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My computer only has two usb ports in the front #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    They should send Tim Tebow into Iran to get our drone back. With just a knife. 19 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

    @hihough
    James Hough    I guess the more interesting question is: What do the Winklevoss twins call THEIR balls? 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @nprscottsimon
    Scott Simon    With all respect for Tim Tebow, who seems a fine young man, you don’t need much help from God to defeat the Chicago Bears. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Tom Cruise, Hanukkah, and War Whores

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have a smorgasbord of topics in our daily funniest tweets. It’s Friday, so I’ll just let you dig right in.

    Enjoy!

    @IamEnidColeslaw
    Mary Charlene    When Tom Cruise is driving, he says “Now in Cruise Control!” with this stupid smirk on his face even when there’s no one else in the car. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Hanukkah is the most American holiday because it’s a celebration of burning oil that we don’t have. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @GuyEndoreKaiser
    Guy Endore-Kaiser    My condolences to Michelle Duggar for miscarrying on her 20th child. I bet that house is going to feel really empty this Christmas. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    “A horse? Two hours of a frickin’ horse? This is bullshit!” – Man who thought he was seeing a film called ‘War Whores.” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    The 2nd oldest profession is abortion provider, right? 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    Fruit is always in Cezanne. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    “Holy infant, so tender and mild.” Boy, the baby Jesus sure sounded delicious! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I can only have 1 gummy vitamin per day, no matter how delicious they are. #FirstWorldProblems 44 minutes ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    Who in the hell made the decision to put Gallagher on the hundred dollar bill? 47 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @SCbchbum
    Erica B.    Can’t wait to sit in the doctor’s office reception area so I can read how to fix meatloaf 3 ways & catch up on 1992. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    If at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably a worthless piece of shit. 46 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @blainecapatch
    blaine capatch    if rick perry hates gay people so much, maybe he should stop fucking them. 22 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @AnthyRomero
    Anthony Romero    “That’s enough, Michelle Duggar,” said God. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Albert Pujols, Lindsay Lohan, and Santa’s Candy Cane

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have tweets about a trio of newsworthy people – Albert Pujols, Jerry Sandusky and Lindsay Lohan. We also see what you don’t want your kid to say after his yearly visit with Santa.

    Enjoy!

    @DadNeedsADrink
    DadNeedsADrink    Just think of all the money the Angels would have saved on Pujols if they bothered to wake up early on Black Friday. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Jerry Sandusky posting bail? Forget electronic monitoring, just cut him off at the knees. The left knee, the right knee and the wee-knee. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    Sometimes when I put on workout clothes and don’t work out, I just pretend I’m a character from the “Sopranos”. 2 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @robcorddry
    rob corddry    My life is exactly like Glee, minus the singing & dancing & high school and most of the gay stuff. 2 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @andylevy
    Andy Levy    Probably the thing I like best about Twitter is the way people try to change others’ minds through calm, rational debate. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @RobinMcCauley
    Robin McCauley    Emails from Google+ are making it difficult for me to pretend like Google+ never happened. 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will    “Git-r-done!” is the “I have a dream!” of the south. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @GhostPanther
    Adam McKay    If Joe Biden started wearing just a little bit of eye liner what the hell could anyone do about it? 11 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SklarBrothers
    The Sklar Brothers    Pujols, looking to improve on last season with the Cardinals, signs with the Angles. Good Luck Baseball Lebron. 3 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    “Daddy, I think Santa had a really big candy cane in his pocket!” – The last thing I wanted to hear today 34 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @dribbleglass
    Scott Roeben    I love Twitter. It gives boring people the illusion somebody’s listening. 21 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Bookgirl96
    Kathleen Schmidt    Actually, if Lindsay Lohan couldn’t get cast in New Year’s Eve, her career is truly over. 22 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I have to stand the entire time I ride in an elevator. #firstworldproblems 12 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Bad news is I fell out of my rolling desk chair. Good news is I landed in some kind of yoga pose, so I’m counting this as exercise. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Brazzers
    HD Porn & Big Tits    Crazy ole Lindsay Lohan’s PB cover is out online #justshootpornalready 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @Puddinstrip
    Puddin’    if Joe Sandusky is digging through his cell wall with a rock hammer, bet he chose a Justin Bieber poster rather than Rita Hayworth 17 hours ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto

  • White Chicks, Perez Hilton, and Salvation Army Carpet

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @AndreaRussett
    Andrea Russett    White Chicks will forever be one of the funniest movies out there. 21 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    Did you hear that @NASA has found an inhabitable, Kardashian-Free planet? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @donni
    Donni Saphire    Remember, your monkey butler is HIGHLY sexualized. 3 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    I’m worried Perez Hilton might be another one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid babies. 2 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @celebrityhottub
    sir broosk    Maybe the Big East just knows something about plate tectonics and continental drift that the rest of us don’t. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    If you ask me for a follow back, I create a Wikipedia page for you and tell the world you put vegetables in your butt. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @IGotsSmarts
    Steve Mieczkowski    Finally learned how to say Ndamukong Suh’s name. It’s pronounced, “Asshole”. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    “He’s making a list, checking it twice…” – Schindler Claus 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FilthyRichmond
    Jocelyn Plums    Lots of interesting smells in this Salvation Army fitting room carpet. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    You. Are. Fucking. Retarded. RT @KimKardashian: Can’t get my boot off &I’m all by myself! What 2 do! LOL I need someone to pull it off! 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    I broke off all contact with my sister when she named her son Jaden. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    The new habitable planet NASA discovered is making Earth look like a real shithole. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DanaJGould
    Dana Gould    What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? “Give me your cell number.” 3 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    Did Steven Spielberg really direct a new movie called Whore Horse about slutty horses? 8 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @theNuzzy
    david nuzzy nussbaum    If I was Marty McFly, Lorraine would’ve gotten fucked. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @friedmanjon
    Jon Friedman    Hey anyone named Maryellen. Pick a name and go with it. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Brett Favre, Radio Shack, and Fanboys

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have some of the best tweets from a prevailing hashtag trend #espnfavreheadlines, as well as a few tweets about Tiger Woods. We also learn what “I love you too” really means when texted.

    Enjoy!

    @stevelawlis
    Steve Lawlis    Sources say Favre would mow the neighbors lawn if approached. #ESPNFavreHeadlines 31 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @toddlevin
    todd levin    Did you know if you scratch any photograph of Journey’s Steve Perry with a coin, it will smell like pepperoni? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PhanArt
    PhanArt    Source says Favre would consider calling his doctor if his erection persisted longer than 6 hours #ESPNFavreHeadlines 52 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    I wanted to write “stop fucking texting me” but instead wrote “I love you too”. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    I will buy pants at Radio Shack before I buy a CD at Starbucks. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Even Tiger Woods got a win before the Indianapolis Colts 20 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @andylevy
    Andy Levy    Now that Tiger Woods finally has won again I guess we can all stop feeling sorry for the really rich guy who has a lot of sex. 2 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    BILLY CRYSTAL HOST OSCAR! MADONNA DO SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW! DRUNK HULK CAN NO WAIT FOR 1992 GET HERE! 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @willbrinson
    Will Brinson    So, if Tim Tebow has a thought … is it a Christian Ponder? 32 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @dowbboy
    bruce dowbiggin    Brett Favre says he’d “listen” if the GOP called about the nomination of the party. 58 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BMueller15
    Brad Mueller    Report: Brett Favre would consider Dougie-ing if there were someone to teach him how. #ESPNFavreHeadlines 22 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    Fanboy is kind of a lame superhero. 30 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Cameron_Gray
    Cameron Gray    BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre breathes in oxygen, and then breathes out carbon dioxide – 3 hour SportsCenter coming up – #ESPNFavreHeadlines 51 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @rickygervais
    Ricky Gervais    “ I’ve been diagnosed with terminal twatness and need celeb recognition. Can I have a RT to help raise awareness.”RG tweet of the month 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • Donald Trump, Wax Angelina Jolie, and Kenyans

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have plenty of tweets talking about Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump, we see what Jan Brady would be like as a realtor, and we also learn the unsettling truth about the night janitor at a wax museum.

    Enjoy!

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    I heard Newt Gingrich bought beautiful Tiffany cuff links for all the GOP nominees. 2 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

    @mryanwilkes
    Matthew Wilkes    @ClayTravisBGID Vince Young tried to throw a temper tantrum after tonight game….but it was intercepted. 14 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Kenyans run fast because all of the other countries are trying to tickle them. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    I wonder how many times a year the night janitor at Madame Tussaud’s kisses the wax Angelina Jolie on the lips. Probably a lot. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    BET SANTA FREAK OUT WHEN HE GET NEW LIST FROM THAT CRAIG KID! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DobbyWrnsHryPtr
    DirtyHippy    Nickelback is so talented. 45 minutes ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    The guy in front of me at the ATM is doing multiple transactions #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is being read aloud. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    I wish it was gain weight “for” the holidays instead of “during” the holidays. 16 minutes ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    “Location, Location, Location” – Jan Brady, Realtor 51 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    Clicking the ‘Report Spam’ button was the closest I got to a feeling of accomplishment today. 12 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @jasonmustian
    Jason Mustian     Dear Santa: Lumps of coal are environmentally unfriendly. May I suggest a “Previously Viewed” Last Airbender DVD from Blockbuster instead? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FreedomReeves
    Freedom    Donald Trump is moderating the next GOP debate? I’m starting to think that these debates are planned by SNL writers. 31 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    #TNF Vince Young just bent over to untie his shoes in the locker room and threw out his back. It was intercepted. 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Eric_Bader
    Eric Bader    Every Lady Gaga song sounds like the coked out club remix of some early Madonna single. 4 days ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @YouGotBieberd_
    Zoe&Kathy ♥    #BestAlbumEver – Under the Mistletoe by Justin Bieber. 54 minutes ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @someecards
    someecards    I’m glad Newt Gingrich’s surge gives him the opportunity to be despised by a whole new generation. http://t.co/vnQrX2bH 2 hours ago via Tweet Button · powered by @socialditto

    @StephenAtHome
    Stephen Colbert    Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump are going to sit down for a face to face. Hope they got a big room. That’s a lot of face. 13 hours ago via SocialOomph · powered by @socialditto

  • The Grammys, NASCAR, and Sprite

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have some fallout from last night’s Grammy noms. We also find out what it will take for one user to respect NASCAR and learn what the phrase “Building For Jesus” really means.

    Enjoy!

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    The amount of people in LA tweeting that they’re scared of the wind suggests that perhaps our medical marijuana system is out of control. 10 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @GuyEndoreKaiser
    Guy Endore-Kaiser    If NASCAR wants me to believe it’s not a sport for idiots, they should stop reminding the drivers to start their engines. 1 hour ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    Happy December! Unless you’re single. Then. thankfully, you have a long, dreary winter to look forward to after spending the holidays alone! 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    Somebody communicated with me via Google+ #firstworldproblems 3 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @mdotbrown
    Myles Brown    Adele isn’t gonna be nearly as happy with that Grammy when she finds out it doesn’t have a chocolate center. 14 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Toys R Us decides NOT to sponsor this year’s Molesta Bowl between Penn St and Syracuse, NCAA in talks with Abercrombie 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    “Building for Jesus” is code for “You won’t get paid” 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Twistedlilkitty
    Maria    Christmas reminds me that Santa Claus is always watching me, listening to my phone calls, taking photos….Wait, Rupert Murdoch is Santa? 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    You know that spot where the tip of your weiner touches the hotel robe? Yeah, so does every other guy who’s ever stayed in that room. 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Brick_James
    Baron Von Brick    Grammys hiphop award categories is rap for hiphop dance classes for middle aged soccer moms at the city center. 14 hours ago via twicca · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    Nothing says Christmas like a love duet between a 41-year-old woman and a 17-year-old boy set in a Nintendo/Macy’s commercial. 46 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    Newt Gingrich’s head looks like a freezer bag full of mashed potatoes and old cat turds. 59 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EugeneMirman
    Eugene Mirman    I wish Sprite would make a condescending racially charged ad campaign for all types of people. 45 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @techierob
    The Real Techierob    I’m fat, I have a beard, and I’m more than willing to mentally scar children for life. Anyone in London looking for a cheap santa? 5 hours ago via spodlogger · powered by @socialditto

    @funnybrad
    Brad Williams    Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant again. It’s actually her third child. The first had to be offered to Khloe as a human sacrifice. 21 hours ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto

    @caren
    Caren Kelleher    “Bon Iver for Best New Artist? Ugh, I liked him in ’08.” — every hipster in America 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Kourtney Kardashian, Social Media Gurus, and Racist Pianos

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we see a high volume of tweets regarding a Kardashian’s big news and well as last night’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. We also learn why redheads are glad to see November go.

    Enjoy!

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    I’m leaving my Ferrari unlocked on the street with the keys in it. Some idiot is about to have the best and worst day of his life. 8 minutes ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    A spider bites Peter Parker and he gets super powers. Bees sting Macaulay Culkin and he dies. You win some you lose some I guess. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @SkinnyGirlProbz
    Skinny Girl Problems    I think I feel an eating disorder coming on. #VSFashionShow #SkinnyGirlProblems 13 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

    @ConanOBrien
    Conan O’Brien    When will someone build a piano that isn’t inherently racist? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Raymond    I don’t go to the mailbox because that’s where the Responsibility Monster lives. 17 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    I think it would be cool if everyone who calls themselves a “social media guru” were turned into food. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    I’m going to be so disgusted at Herman Cain for having a 13-year affair while being married right after I’m done being completely impressed. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    What do you guys have on your waterboarding playlists besides Maroon 5? 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant and I twirled in my chair 8 times without using my feet. I’ll let y’all guess what I’m more excited about. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @BettyFckinWhite
    Betty F*ckin’ White    Those reindeer were real tools to Rudolph. 19 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @joeschmitt
    Joe Schmitt    Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant again, which is good because Kim lost interest in her first nephew after 72 days. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    A Defiant Cain Fights Back: ‘I’m Staying in this Race for the Pussy’ 52 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @garyowencomedy
    Gary Owen    Duke has good basketball players not great athletes means not a lot of black guys on the team. 16 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RexHuppke
    Rex Huppke    Yay! Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with another reality show! 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MrPissyouoff
    Harjit Bhandal    I’m guessing the protests are over, world hunger has been solved and the economy is fixed since everybody’s talking about #VSFashionShow. 13 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @GingerProblems
    Ginger Problems    Bye November. Thanks for the sunburns. #GingerProblems 25 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Urban Meyer, Potatoes Au Gratin, and Lice

    Urban Meyer, Potatoes Au Gratin, and Lice

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have a couple of tweets about the passing of Patrice O’Neal, Ndamukong Suh getting fined, and how easy it is to hate Urban Meyer.

    Enjoy!

    @anthonyjeselnik
    Anthony Jeselnik    Goodbye, Patrice O’Neal. I didn’t know you well. But I knew you’d never miss Thanksgiving. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Say what you want about Herman Cain but there’s no denying that the man loves this country and what it stands for and fucking. 7 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @darrenrovell
    darren rovell    With $164K in lost $, Suh could have purchased 10,932 4 oz filets & burgers & 27,330 Potatoes au Gratin from Omaha Steaks. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DobbyWrnsHryPtr
    DirtyHippy    Remember when you were little and Santa gave you all those toys because you let him finger you under the mistletoe? I loved my doodlebear. 2 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @AlPaul
    Alan Paul    Well, Urban Meyer sure isn’t going to make it any harder to hate Ohio State. 9 hours ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto

    @toddbarry
    Todd Barry    Patrice O’Neal on Radiohead’s “Creep.” http://t.co/HbnNFniq One of the best comedians ever. I will miss him. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Dr. Conrad Murray has a better chance of winning his appeal than Ndamukong Suh does. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Raymond    Thought I had lice. Turns out it was just salt and chip crumbs. Can’t really decide which one is more depressing. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @crispinheath
    Crispin Heath    An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, pubs, club, clubs, free house, lager, nightlife, beer, wine, nicest pint 12 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @CrankyPappy
    CrankyPappy    When life hands you lemons,
    there’s always bacon. 12 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Ndamukong Suh suspended 2 games. This shocked Suh so bad he lost his balance but luckily stomped on someones arm to prevent falling. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    Watching old people trying to use a self-checkout kiosk is ten times more depressing than that Sarah McLachlan dog commercial. 19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    At my deepest core, I never truly believe I’m worthy of a cloth napkin. 53 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

  • Cyber Monday, Eli Whitney, and Tabasco

    Cyber Monday, Eli Whitney, and Tabasco

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today everyone is tweeting about Cyber Monday, although I think some people might have missed the point. Plus, we learn how Eli Whitney could have increased his street cred.

    Enjoy!

    @jimmykimmel
    Jimmy Kimmel    To celebrate cyber Monday I just ordered a Disney Rapunzel Princess, then beat the shit out of my computer. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    Next time someone says “I don’t have a racist bone in my body!”, ask “Then why are they all white?” 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    #CyberMonday seems like one of those fake holidays that was made up just to get people to buy things, like Christmas. 50 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    No one really cared all that much when the Grinch stole Hanukkah. 4 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @theNuzzy
    david nuzzy nussbaum    If Eli Whitney had any street cred, he would’ve invented the cotton gin and juice. 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    When discussing “cost of human life” in Black Friday aftermath coverage, measure it against savings on that fantastically marked-down Wii. 10 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    Everyone thinks parents on Facebook are lame, so I’ve been going through and liking all of Luke’s pics just to annoy him. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    There’s month old curry in the fridge but I don’t want to throw it out because I’ll have to wash the tupperware. #FirstWorldProblems 44 minutes ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    I always thought I’d be older by now. 53 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @moshekasher
    moshekasher    All you need to have is a really nice face and you can make money and get followers on twitter. 49 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ceoMarkZuck
    Mark Zuckerberg    Our #CyberMonday deals for third-parties: 20,000 users’ personal information for $5,000. Just kidding (or am I?). 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @SklarBrothers
    The Sklar Brothers    Is it possible for an atheist to love Tebow? God only knows. 42 minutes ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @PepperSprayCop
    Pepper Spraying Cop    Oh Jesus! Too much Tabasco on my eggs. IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!! I can’t handle spicy foods. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    Sometimes when I want to feel dirty, I’ll go and read Steve Jobs’ biography on my Kindle. 41 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ProdigalSam
    Sammy    Black Friday. Cyber Monday. They’re just the hors d’ouvres to the main course: Lexus’ December to Remember. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    A/S/L? #CyberMonday 37 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EricStangel
    Eric Stangel    In preparation for Cyber Monday, I just pepper sprayed my computer… 15 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Stigmata, Jerry Maguire, and Wiener Pics

    Stigmata, Jerry Maguire, and Wiener Pics

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the weekend than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Enjoy!

    @michaelianblack
    Michael Ian Black    Holy shit, after Tim Tebow got tackled, he started bleeding from his palms and feet! 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    Just got my first invite to LinkedIn! My dick is so hard it could cut diamonds! 5 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EugeneMirman
    Eugene Mirman    Is War Horse a re-boot of Saving Private Ryan with a horse? 21 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Braunger
    Matt Braunger    I’ve farted so much today I’m almost proud. 24 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @moshekasher
    moshekasher    Bettie Page has inspired so many ugly girls to be very very slightly less ugly. 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    Anyone under the age of 30 who writes an autobiography should be murdered heinously so someone can actually write a decent book about them. 29 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    Captain Faggot would be a horrible name for a girl 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    Netflix is down and now I can’t watch Glee. #firstworldproblems 51 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    #SNF Ben Roethlisberger is playing Madden 12….he knows his receivers are better than the defense, so he is just throwing sh*t up. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @IGotsSmarts
    Steve Mieczkowski    I rubbed together pictures of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John and started a Grease fire. 1 hour ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @EricStangel
    Eric Stangel    Don’t blame Nick Novak. He just peed on the sidelines. Norv Turner is the one who pissed away the season… #FireNorv 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Brett Favre to the Houston Texans? Cool! Maybe he’ll text me wiener pics! 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @cornlog
    Hugh Jass    I’d rather have my balls sheared off with a mitre saw than see a movie “from the makers of Jerry Maguire” 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    And Vince Young??? RT @RealSkipBayless AGAIN: All … he … does … is … win … football … games. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Thanksgiving, Turkeys, and Camouflage

    Thanksgiving, Turkeys, and Camouflage

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, in honor of the holiday, we have lot of tweets about Thanksgiving and Turkeys. There are a couple of other gems thrown in there as well.

    Enjoy!

    @gregglynnonkjo
    Gregg Lynn    Happy Thanksgiving Eve. Remember, every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer in eggnog. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DrunkSocialite
    Drunk Socialite™    Please give a round of applause for the people who stopped doing coke this week so they could enjoy dinner with family for Thanksgiving 15 minutes ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    It’s Thanksgiving, or as the Pilgrims called it, Occupy Someone Else’s Country. http://t.co/aqN3qrAC 20 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    #TheBestThingAboutThanksgiving: Impressing everyone by cutting the turkey with my lightsaber. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BettyFckinWhite
    Betty F*ckin’ White    Getting stuffed #TheBestThingAboutThanksgiving 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Turkeys are like investigative journalism: sometimes you gotta shove a carrot up that ass. 1 minute ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    I’m not using Spotify. There’s no way I’m gonna let people know how many times a day I listen to Faith Evan’s “Love Like This Before.” 24 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBosha
    The Bosha    “I raised 23 foster turkeys.” ~Michele Bachmann 32 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    Spent the night outside a camping supply store waiting for Black Friday. Wish I had a tent and sleeping bag. 54 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    “You mean I HAVE TO pardon it AND it’s not mentally retarded?!” – President Rick Perry on Thanksgiving 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I wasn’t paying attention and bought Diet Mountain Dew instead of good Mountain Dew #firstworldproblems 1 hour ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @cornlog
    Hugh Jass    FYI wearing camouflage at your desk so no one sees you masturbating doesn’t work. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Who do you think is more worried about tomorrow…..the turkeys or the Dolphins? 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Pepper Spray, Tumblr, and Favorite Chris Brown Songs

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we look at two trending hashtags, #FavoriteChrisBrownSongs and #Shitcoms. We also learn the best way to see your friends naked.

    Enjoy!

    @tyleroakley
    Tyler Oakley    #FavoriteChrisBrownSongs The only Chris Brown hit people should pay attention to was released February 8th, 2009. #Rihanna 33 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DanaJGould
    Dana Gould    Is “Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol” based on the play? 37 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @RobinMcCauley
    Robin McCauley    I’m so lucky that I get to wake up every day and do what I love. (eat) 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @jamonthirteen
    jamonthirteen    If your female friends won’t show you naked pictures of themselves, encourage them to join Tumblr then wait 4-6 weeks. Enjoy. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @DamienFahey
    Damien Fahey    The most patriotic thing Barack Obama could do to unite this fractured nation is drop a beautiful white child down a well. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    A pop-up ad resized my browser and now I can’t get it back to a comfortable size #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @friedmanjon
    Jon Friedman    Mad About Poo #shitcoms 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @someecards
    someecards    May none of your Fox News-watching relatives try to season the Thanksgiving turkey with pepper spray. http://t.co/O2LHSnz5 57 minutes ago via Tweet Button · powered by @socialditto

    @SmokeyFrmFriday
    Chris Tucker    #FavoriteChrisBrownSongs His smash hit with @Rihanna 23 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jonahray
    Jonah Ray    Fecal Matters #Shitcoms 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeHipsterCop
    FakeHipsterCop    I prefer using locally sourced heirloom chipotle pepper spray. #OWS 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    “I want to make sweet hot love to you sometime between 10 am and 4 pm” (AT&T technician pillow talk) 17 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @Pat_Healy
    Pat Healy    Turtle Head of the Class #Shitcoms 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @remainchampagne
    Matt Champagne    Stools of Engagement #Shitcoms 44 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    #FavoriteChrisBrownSongs Momma Said Knock You Out 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Jehovah’s Witnesses, Twilight, and Rebel Romney

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Mitt Romney says in an upcoming interview with People magazine that he once tasted a beer and tried a cigarette in his wayward youth. Thus, a hashtag #RebelRomney is born. We also learn how long the Supercongress has been locked and see that God might be confused with some types of thank yous.

    Enjoy!

    @Jesus_M_Christ
    Jesus Christ    Dad finds it weird that you thank Him after a successful surgery. You realize the doctors and nurses are doing all the work, right? 34 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SamValley
    Sam Valley    Caught pretending to smoke candy cigarettes in his prep school bathroom. #RebelRomney 8 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    When I struggle to write a tweet I realize my novel has no chance at all. 37 minutes ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @danielwanke
    Daniel Wanke    In his wayward youth, Mitt Romney once stepped on a crack to see if it really would break his mother’s back. #RebelRomney 11 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @MarylandMudflap
    Scotty L.    According to the drunken handwriting on this notebook paper, I married a container of Old Bay last night. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kervinf
    Kervin Ferreira    The uglier you are, the more of your face you should be forced to show in your avi. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Kyle_Lippert
    Kyle    Jehovah’s Witnesses have the worst knock knock jokes ever! 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @ThePowersThatBe
    Doug Powers    Once only waited 59 minutes after a meal before swimming #RebelRomney 32 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @linkotan
    Jared Loper    Once took four gummy vitamins instead of the recommended two. #RebelRomney 5 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    Reasons to be depressed: 1. Twilight made 140 million this weekend. 2. My parents are dead. 35 minutes ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    FACT: In the time the Supercongress spent failing to reach a budget deal, Kim Kardashian could’ve been married 5 times. 26 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I forgot to charge my iPod last night so now when I drive I have to listen to the radio. #FirstWorldProblems 1 minute ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

  • Breaking Dawn, Tim Tebow, and Blind Taste Tests

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we see a heavy dose of tweets regarding the premiere of the Twilight “film” Breaking Dawn as well as Tim Tebow’s crazy 4th quarter comeback Thursday night. We also examine what the NBA players might do during the extended lockout.

    Enjoy!

    @FrankConniff
    Frank Conniff    The Natalie Wood case evokes a distant, forgotten past when we had scandals that actually involved talented celebrities. 56 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @fleshcake
    G.T. Collins    Been getting fewer voicemails since I made my greeting the entire soundtrack from Captain Ron. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My smartphone plays the same sound for a new email as it does for a new text message #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    Fellas, never let your wife call you a pervert if she’s standing in line to see a movie about a chick trying to hump a wolf AND a dead guy. 17 hours ago via TweetCaster for iOS · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    I take back all the horrible things I said about hot weather. 1 hour ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    If Tim Tebow was Jewish, would he celebrate Runover? 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    Dear people (women) attending Breaking Dawn at midnight…. THIS is why you’re alone every other night at midnight. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @teenswagster
    Belinda Kivilcim    #worstpassword “kimswedding” … too short and not strong enough. 10 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PaulyPeligroso
    Pauly Casillas    Don’t forget to tell everyone how you love Fridays because we were all wondering how you feel about them. 6 hours ago via TweetCaster for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @sportsguy33
    Bill Simmons    I’d like to thank Tim Tebow, normally a peaceful and spiritual man, for committing murder and killing the 2011 Jets season. 5 hours ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @shariv67
    Shari Vanderwerf    In blind taste tests, most consumers couldn’t tell if a person was blind by tasting them. 6 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    MAYBE SEE BREAKING DAWN! QUESTION! DO DRUNK HULK NEED HATE SELF FIRST! OR DO THAT COME NATURAL WHEN YOU WATCH IT! 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @meganamram
    Megan Amram    It’s a shame Ryan Gosling has never been married, I bet he would love having sex 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hihough
    James Hough    Whatever will those poor NBA guys do with all their money and long dicks this extended off season? 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @boburnham
    Bo Burnham    Kids nowadays listen to terrible music. I miss the good old days when geniuses like Sisqó and Smash Mouth reigned supreme. 17 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • Wedge Salads, Adulthood, and Occupy Band Names

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we are treated with some tweets from a prevailing hashtag – #OccupyBandNames. We also find that Facebook has added a new “relationship status” option and learn what it really means to reach adulthood.

    Enjoy!

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Just found out you can eat a big turkey dinner whenever you want without having to be thankful. This changes everything. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    If there are two people in your twitter photo, I’m going to assume that you are the uglier of the two. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @ArquetteSisters
    The Arquette Sisters    The Rolling Joints #OccupyBandNames 9 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Doc_0
    John Hayward    Rage Against the Latrine. #OccupyBandNames 5 hours ago via Seesmic · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Does your story have anything in it that will terrify an old person? If not, it needs another rewrite. 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Be there! RT @SportsNation Prediction of tonight’s game!!! Tim Tebow will ________. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    “Whoa oh oh, I’m on fire.” – Springsteen, witches 37 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    Adulthood is probably when you stop taking drugs to trip out, and start taking drugs to feel normal. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    NOW THAT SEXY MAN ALIVE LIST OUT! DRUNK HULK CAN FINALLY RELAX! AND LET SELF GO! 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    BREAKING: Facebook Introduces New Relationship Status, ‘Fuckin’ Around’ 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmiebjr
    Jimmie    The Red Hot Pepper Sprays #OccupyBandNames 5 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I missed my local forecast on the Weather Channel, so now I have to wait ten minutes for them to show it again. #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    “I want to eat a bunch of blue cheese and bacon, but I also want to appear to be healthy.” – Inventor of wedge salad 45 minutes ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @TheSofiya
    Sofiya Alexandra    I like my sex how I like my blues, performed by black men, or white men who I can pretend are black when I close my eyes. 44 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @danieltosh
    daniel tosh    WARNING! only 3 more days to break up w/ your girlfriend or else ride out thanksgiving, xmas, new years, valentine’s, & black history month. 21 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    Tonight on Thursday Night Football we will see who shuts down the passing game better: Darrelle Revis or Tim Tebow. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto