Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.
And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.
Today we have a smorgasbord of topics in our daily funniest tweets. It’s Friday, so I’ll just let you dig right in.
Enjoy!
@IamEnidColeslaw
Mary CharleneWhen Tom Cruise is driving, he says “Now in Cruise Control!” with this stupid smirk on his face even when there’s no one else in the car.
2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto
@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzHanukkah is the most American holiday because it’s a celebration of burning oil that we don’t have. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-KaiserMy condolences to Michelle Duggar for miscarrying on her 20th child. I bet that house is going to feel really empty this Christmas. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@DannyZuker
Danny Zuker“A horse? Two hours of a frickin’ horse? This is bullshit!” – Man who thought he was seeing a film called ‘War Whores.” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@robdelaney
rob delaneyThe 2nd oldest profession is abortion provider, right? 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
@thesulk
Alec SulkinFruit is always in Cezanne. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey“Holy infant, so tender and mild.” Boy, the baby Jesus sure sounded delicious! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@FirstWorldLife
First World LifeI can only have 1 gummy vitamin per day, no matter how delicious they are. #FirstWorldProblems 44 minutes ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto
@clarkekant
Clarke KantWho in the hell made the decision to put Gallagher on the hundred dollar bill? 47 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
@SCbchbum
Erica B.Can’t wait to sit in the doctor’s office reception area so I can read how to fix meatloaf 3 ways & catch up on 1992. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
@JennyJohnsonHi5
Jenny JohnsonIf at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably a worthless piece of shit. 46 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
@blainecapatch
blaine capatchif rick perry hates gay people so much, maybe he should stop fucking them. 22 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@AnthyRomero
Anthony Romero“That’s enough, Michelle Duggar,” said God. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto