Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.
And what better way to wind-down the work day with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.
Twitter isn’t a PG environment, so some of these might be NSFW. Enjoy!
@jennyandteets
Jenny MollenGoing out to clubs doesn’t make you a whore. Checking into them on 4 square does.
6 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzCheaper than an iPad 2: at the end of your emails, type “Sent from my iPad 2.” 34 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@JennyJohnsonHi5
Jenny JohnsonYou can tell a lot about a person within the first 5 minutes of starting a movie with subtitles. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
@FakeAPStylebook
Fake AP StylebookReport deaths from a natural disaster accurately, even if you had a much higher number in the newsroom pool. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@PimpBillClinton
Bill ClintonBeyonce’s pregnant? Good luck keeping your problem count at 99, Jay-Z. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@JenKirkman
Jen KirkmanRead an article saying childless people should baby-proof their home for their friends with kids. Gonna put birth control pills in a dish. 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@Jesus_M_Christ
Jesus ChristFor all you with birthdays around Christmas, sorry for all those combined birthday/Christmas gifts you get. My bad. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@normmacdonald
Norm MacdonaldIn his VMA acceptance speech Justin Bieber thanked God and also Jesus. Way to leave out the Holy Ghost, Infidel. 10 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@Det_AceVentura
Ace VenturaGirls named Irene are probably pretty ready to stop hearing jokes about them blowing stuff and get back to their normal lives. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@Bez
bezI give my kids Lunchables so they know what disappointment tastes like. I also include a note that says “you’re a disappointment.” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto