Tag: tweets

Penn State should keep the Joe Paterno statue. Just move it so he is looking the other way.

I don’t like Twitter death hoaxes like this Eddie Murphy thing. I’m going the other way and starting a “Richard Pryor is alive” rumor

Remember when “Dawson’s Creek” tried to tell us Katie Holmes was a great singer and we all learned what suspension of disbelief was?

Read the shocking Freeh report & now I know why people in State College called Joe Paterno the “Pope of Penn State”

Tonight is the #ESPYS or as the Kardashians like to call it, “Prom”.

Thank God ESPN invented the ESPYS. How else would the best players and teams get trophies acknowledging their accomplishments?

Right now, your stockbroker is forcing his screaming family into matching sweaters for their holiday card picture.

AMC should put the administrators at Penn State in charge of guarding all future Breaking Bad spoilers.

“Ho’s before bro’s!” Douche Bag Titanic

Confused the Facebook status box with Google search, and I don’t have to go to any more family functions.

Starbucks to open branch at funeral home. Now you can work on screenplay in front of body of person who told you to get a real job.

Romney: “Considering those were the first Black people I ever met, I thought it went pretty darn well.”

I just realized Cookie Monster never actually eats a cookie, They just crumble out of his mouth. He’s like a tragic figure from Greek myth.

Facebook is where I go to watch the first 15 seconds of a hilarious/inspiring viral video.

Just told my kids about Chumbawamba splitting up. They pretended not to know who I was talking about, which just made it harder. So brave.

Best of luck to Tom Cruise on reaching his thermostat all by himself in this heat wave. http://t.co/qxRACstd

I’ve never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I’m prepared.

Congratulations to Kourtney Kardashian for giving birth to a plot point.

Chumbawamba broke up today, so make sure to pour out a whiskey drink tonight. Or a vodka drink. Or a cider drink.

Re: iPad: I haven’t heard of this many nerds obsessed with number of inches since high school.

If you like the gals on ’16 and Pregnant’ just wait a few more years, you’ll love them on their next show ’32 Year Old Grandma’.

Happy National No Bra Day, Phil Mickelson.

I’m watching two sports events and both keep going to commercial at the same time… #FirstWorldProblems

“You know who I’m worried about?” is a great segue into saying a lot of shitty stuff about someone.

Kourtney Kardashian named her new baby ‘Penelope Scotland’ so she’s pretty much already a stripper.

Adrian Peterson to join several Lions and Sam Hurd on the NFC North prison yard team.

“Tom Cruise’s marriage didn’t work out because Tom Cruise is married to being awesome in movies.” -What His Publicists Should Be Saying

Poll: 9 out of 10 people who stayed at Motel 6 wish the light was left off.

Every kid on the Disney Channel looks like they should be slapped on the back of the head and forced to do a summer of yard work.

My roommates watched the Transformers movie, now Netflix thinks I like terrible movies. #firstworldproblems

Depression gets a bad rap but it can help you do things you’d never imagined possible. For example, today I cried over a hot dog commercial.

Congratulations to Kourtney Kardashian on the birth of her next season!

Ah, humanity. I give you rainbows, but you prefer 50 Shades of Grey.

How do I, as a person, go on airplane mode?

Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?

What I dislike most about Twitter is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left and having to decide which grammar crime to commit.

Twitter is like a colostomy bag for thoughts.

With his legendary passing ability, Steve Nash will now be responsible for more NBA players scoring in Los Angeles than Kim Kardashian.

#UnansweredHipHopQuestions Did Murphy Lee ever find out what the hook gone’ be?

It’s always “Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick.” I’m never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy.

Maybe if I join Scientology my wife will leave me and take the kids.

So, is Snoop’s mind on his money OR is his money on his mind OR is it both? #UnansweredHipHopQuestions

Nothing says “summer” more than some friends, the beach, and a human sacrifice inside a burning Wicker Man.

Just saw a documentary about Journey. It was pretty good but the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on…

According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

In clinical trials, we have solved every medical problem for mice. I am thrilled for them.

The best way to have a good first date is to be seated next to a couple having a bad first date.

DID YOU KNOW: The average Apple worker works 16 hours longer than the average Apple battery.

It’s National Kissing Day, if anyone sees Luke and Leia, tell them to take a cold shower.

The Man Who Unfriended Liberty Valance #worstwesternever

Katie Holmes escaped a marriage to a cold, secretive millionaire in a weird religious cult and you can too, Ann Romney.

Breaking: Alabama pastor holds ‘whites only’ conference, or as they call it in Alabama ‘a conference’

dude who announced the Higgs Boson in an unfashionable font knows how women speakers feel when journalists talk about clothes and weight

Wombstone. #WorstWesternEver

“Shakespeare sucks” – 16th century hipster

The string fell off the tea bag and I had to take it out with a spoon. #FirstWorldProblems

people who set off fireworks on July 5th have a favorite wrestler.

I’m so lazy, my snooze button just hit me.

At a four way stop, it’s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

Dances With Wolf Blitzer #worstwesternever

Higgs Boson is the name of the villain on the next season of “Justified.”

I hope Higgs-Boson isn’t an Old Testament God particle.

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren’t free but I’m sure they enjoyed fireworks

If Jeremy Lin becomes a Rocket, it will be the biggest advancement the Chinese Space Program has seen in decades.

Breaking: Syfy channel just bought the rights to cover the birth of Snooki’s baby.

“More fireworks on Instagram!” –no one

U.S. says mermaids don’t exist. Of course it also says Korea wasn’t a war. Ariel, we stand with you. Or tread water. Whatever.

For 50 years physicists have been looking for the Higgs Boson particle, and now they finally found it. Turns out it’s in any woman’s bra.

I keep hearing about the “huge problem” of whales getting caught in fishnets. I say, if a whale wants to cross-dress, let him.

Rappers shouldn’t have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.

“Look, I’m not racist, but…” -someone who doesn’t finish their sentences

Today’s Tip: To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Mitt Romney was supposed to appear on Anderson Cooper tonight, but it’s cancelled after he shoved Anderson into a locker before AP Biology

Dear Maria Sharapova, just checked with the GF, if grunting is banned you can do it at our house as long as you stay in the backyard.

Katie Holmes is pretending the last 7 years never happened. She just initiated Ghost Protocol.

I just tweeted Scientology and Homosexuality in the same tweet. There is a very good chance someone will show up at my door in 3 minutes.

If Hipsters had their own awards show it would be called the Instagrammys.

The older you get, the longer it takes to clean up a spill.

Anderson Cooper says he didn’t make his announcement on CNN because he wanted people to hear about it.

I want to open a casino, but I have reservations.

Today is Lindsay Lohan’s birthday. She would have been 26 today, God rest her soul.

I know my dog’s love is unconditional because he will hump my leg whether I’ve shaved or not.

BREAKING: Obama’s View on Anderson Cooper’s Sexuality “Still Evolving”

America is seventh in literacy because most of what we write is spelled while driving.

This Independence Day, never forget the heroism of Will Smith, the leadership of Bill Pullman, the sacrifice of Randy Quaid.

I’m glad we live in America. In many countries, the fate of the Affordable Care Act would have been decided on penalty kicks.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

Met a guy at the airport who said he was a child psychologist. Quit living in the past, dude. You’re like 45 now!

Any word yet from Pat Robertson about what the Christian and very conservative people in Colorado Springs did to deserve this fire?

I feel like we should wait to hear Adele’s ex-boyfriend’s songs before we choose sides.

I bet Newtcare would consist of free Yoo-hoo for life.

If they pass a mandatory dental care law, I’m moving to the UK.

One bad day for conservatives does not negate their victory getting that severed Bush head removed from Game of Thrones.

If I were the new Paula Deen I’d have nightmares about the old Paula Deen trying to eat me.

I hope Ann Curry’s last words on TODAY are “I guess SOME people find Curry a little too SPICY in the morning” and then she drops a mic.

It would be funny if whenever you tried to type a hashtag a hand popped out of the keyboard and broke all your fingers

Changing my facebook relationship status to married just to get my family off my back.

Man, I can take my talents to South Beach now. #ObamaCare

John Roberts is the Severus Snape of SCOTUS.

The Supreme Court just ruled that my grandparents have something to complain about at every family event until they die.

Does every pair of Google Glasses come with a free Segway?

While it’s no laughing matter that R Kelly has been rushed to hospital, I can’t help imagining his musical inner monologue.

What a relief. Now i can do my bath salts and not worry about impending face hunger

SCOTUS sounds like an infection that’s transmitted via ball sweat.

Girls who like roller coasters will really find a way to tell you.

irregardless – The process of watering crops with lack of regard.

So wait, is going on man dates constitutional or not?

Don’t call me pussy foot ~ Camels, probably.

BREAKING: In 8-1 decision, #SCOTUS rules that the final season of Battlestar Galactica was bullshit. Alito dissents, because he’s a Cylon.