Tag: daily

Just arrived in Beijing for the Olympics. These buildings do not look like they’re ready for Friday.

Congrats to Kim Jong-un for marrying a woman and not a bunch of pieces of ham shaped like a woman.

Kristen Stewart admits to cheating on Robert Pattinson. She looks really upset about it, or happy, or maybe sleepy?

Chick Fil-A slogan pitch: “So good you’ll question your values.”

“Fitty” refers either to rapper 50 Cent or someone who is prone to fits.

Poll: The majority of Americans believe the past tense of SHIT is SHAT beating out SHITTED for 2nd year in a row.

If it takes more than a week to approve us as FB friends, either I’m impressed u hardly use it or I REALLY wonder what ur vetting process is

Congrats to Kim Jong Un’s beautiful new bride for saying “I do”, thus securing the release of her family from a locked, windowless shed.

Sleep Number beds are the polite way of saying, “You stay over there!”

Which Berenstain Bear book deals with people tagging you in shitty Facebook photos?

I wonder how many people would still be in relationships if they never invented password locked cell phones?

This drought is great. It’s like having a giant Instagram filter for my lawn.

Google is honoring Amelia Earhart’s birthday today. In addition to the doodle, every search will come up empty.

A couple years from now the Joe Paterno statue will show up in a locker on an episode of Storage Wars.

The Olympics is a time when the entire world forgets their differences and joins together in their hatred for China.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

I’m beginning to fear the worst has happened. RT @cnnbrk: Latest Amelia Earhart search comes up empty. http://t.co/hSeGEfS6

Done many things I’m not proud of, but unlike the 45 year old next to me at Starbucks, I’ve never described a scone as “amazeballs.”

All the dialogue from The Newsroom is taken from transcripts of Bill Maher’s conversations with braless 22-year-old models.

Still pouring Tang out on the sidewalk for Sally Ride.

The filter change indicator on my Brita pitcher doesn’t work. #firstworldproblems

Cherish your high school friendships, those people will be strangers for the rest of your life.

How long can I call it “skipping pilates” before it just becomes “I don’t do pilates”?

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but doing these jokes, feels sort of lazy.

If Penn State replaces the Paterno statue with a Robocop one, they should be free of all sanctions.

You can drink in the morning on an airplane without judgment and also at the Daytona 500.

These next four years are your time to shine, Penn State Women’s Fencing team.

Your new American Idol judges: Mariah Carey, Sasquatch from the Jack Links commercials and the Sham-Wow guy.

“Ready, Willing, and Mabel” would be a good slogan for somebody named Mabel.

“I need to do extensive reading on this complex subject before I give an educated opinion.” — Web comment that has never been made

If you’re a fat guy and you aren’t good at makin’ barbecue, prioritize that shit.

I’m trying to ignore this whole Joe Paterno statue controversy and just look the other way. I call this approach the “Joe Paterno”

SPORTS: Brett Favre takes job as assistant coach at Mississippi high school. All girls advised to block picture messaging on cell phones

i would never play kristen stewart in poker

Are people really surprised that Katy Perry outsold The Beatles? I mean, Ringo hardly ever glued anything to his tits!

Staring at blood-soaked hands and muttering “Oh my God…what have I done for this Klondike bar?”

After hearing about PBS firing Fred Willard, I’d like to announce that I will no longer be masturbating to PBS.

Really curious to know where Chick Fil-A stands on Syria

Katie Holmes to appear on Broadway. I’d have thought she’d have tired of acting after the last five years.

Jodie Sweetin is trending right now. I hope she’s ok with it, otherwise, how rude.

Not to be outdone by Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy, Colonel Sanders announces he loses sleep knowing that “negroes eat his chicken.”

Critics urge Penn State to move the Paterno statue where no one will ever see it again: the ESPNU channel.

E-petitions: For when you care, but not too much.

People with a Bluetooth look like they’re communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

Two grapes and a TicTac turn any glass of wine into sangria as far as I’m concerned.

“Going back in Hitler to kill time.” -Hitler’s bored gay lover

No one is ever smiling in line at Taco Bell.

Hell is other people on Facebook.

Fred Willard was arrested for masturbating in a movie theater. That is the best review of “The Dark Knight Rises” so far.

Chick Fil-A is an elderly relative who busts out the word “colored” at the grocery store. You love her, but she really makes it hard on you.

I’ve never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction. They just show up.

I can’t tell, do people on bicycles in bicycle gear want to be noticed?

I forgot to rinse out my cereal bowl, now there is a severly stuck corn flake in it. #FirstWorldProblems

Going to jail for masturbating in a porno theater is like getting arrested for walking into a Quiznos and ordering a sandwich.

Spoiler alert – The new Batman movie is really an allegory about how effective the P90X workout is at shaping your core.

Today’s Equation: Taxi = Car – Privacy + Odor

Mitt Romney seems like he would only see movies that critics called ‘a delightful romp.’

When I was your age we had to fax each other scans of our genitalia down at the local Kinko’s.

“American Wedding” is still the worst thing Fred Willard’s done in a theater.

I’m going to be doing a stellar impression of Fred Willard at the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises.

Feeling a bit bad for Marissa Mayer. Migrating email from Gmail to Yahoo cannot be easy.

The only guarantees in life are death, taxes and people in Infinity commercials you’d like to strangle.

Right now Tom Cruise is explaining to Suri why mommy isn’t going to Space Heaven

Today is David Hasselhoff’s birthday! Celebrate with a cheeseburger, slow motion beach run or some German tunes.

Turkey burgers are the sex dolls of food.

Twitter isn’t the best venue for nuance. You either agree with that or you don’t.

The Dark Knight Rises. Kim Kardashian has no clue what that is, but she wants it.

#fakebatmanspoilers The new batmobile is really fat Val Kilmer

The genius bar should serve whiskey.

The 24th Adobe Acrobat update I’ve installed is going to revolutionize the way I open up take out menus from my desktop!

Coffee is like marriage. First it’s really hot. Then it’s just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things.

We’re all just one kiss-cam away from doing something gay.

Unlike the Arab Spring, Americans use Facebook mainly to protest changes in Facebook.

Getting bitten by a spider and gaining super powers is more realistic than the idea of Peter Parker using Bing to research his dead father.

Just heard a Steelers fan attacking Penn State fans for supporting an organization that knowingly harbored a rapist. #YeahAboutThat

I’ll bet Mitt Romney’s actual legs are pleated.

Now playing: NBA2K13. Actually, I’m playing Gran Turismo, but I’m drinking and wearing a Jason Kidd jersey, so…

The Facebook app is so slow it could do stand in work for the son on Breaking Bad.

Every time you poop after getting out of the shower, God high-fives a platypus.

Klondike Bars slogan would make more sense if they weren’t available in stores.

I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

I just Rickrolled myself while trying to Rickroll someone else. #FirstWorldProblems

I bet the Last Breakfast and the Last Lunch were a little less somber.

The Buffet Rule is always use a clean plate for every visit, right?

Planking #RejectedScoutBadges

Happy Friday the 13th, if you’re thinking about joining the Dark Side, today is a great day for it.

70% of Bill Cosby’s jokes are just dubstep tracks.

I saw a very old woman & a very young man eat bananas on the subway this morning. I don’t need to read 50 Shades of Grey anymore.

I just acquired Flickr for $250 cash and a free car wash.

#Rejectedscoutbadges First Kill

Transform any allergy attack into appearing stoned by holding an open bag of your favorite snack.

Just remember, Paula Deen is talking about wieners every time she drawls “big stick of butterrrrr.”

Kristen Stewart is what would happen if a Yawn took human form & got really into Snow Patrol.

When life gives you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, simulated flavors, potassium benzoate, gum arabic, and yellow 5, make lemonade.

Please remember to spay or neuter your spirit animal.

MILF Spotting #RejectedScoutBadges

Penn State should keep the Joe Paterno statue. Just move it so he is looking the other way.

I don’t like Twitter death hoaxes like this Eddie Murphy thing. I’m going the other way and starting a “Richard Pryor is alive” rumor

Remember when “Dawson’s Creek” tried to tell us Katie Holmes was a great singer and we all learned what suspension of disbelief was?

Read the shocking Freeh report & now I know why people in State College called Joe Paterno the “Pope of Penn State”

Tonight is the #ESPYS or as the Kardashians like to call it, “Prom”.

Thank God ESPN invented the ESPYS. How else would the best players and teams get trophies acknowledging their accomplishments?

Right now, your stockbroker is forcing his screaming family into matching sweaters for their holiday card picture.

AMC should put the administrators at Penn State in charge of guarding all future Breaking Bad spoilers.

“Ho’s before bro’s!” Douche Bag Titanic

Confused the Facebook status box with Google search, and I don’t have to go to any more family functions.

Starbucks to open branch at funeral home. Now you can work on screenplay in front of body of person who told you to get a real job.

Romney: “Considering those were the first Black people I ever met, I thought it went pretty darn well.”

I just realized Cookie Monster never actually eats a cookie, They just crumble out of his mouth. He’s like a tragic figure from Greek myth.

Facebook is where I go to watch the first 15 seconds of a hilarious/inspiring viral video.

Just told my kids about Chumbawamba splitting up. They pretended not to know who I was talking about, which just made it harder. So brave.

Best of luck to Tom Cruise on reaching his thermostat all by himself in this heat wave. http://t.co/qxRACstd

I’ve never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I’m prepared.

Congratulations to Kourtney Kardashian for giving birth to a plot point.

Chumbawamba broke up today, so make sure to pour out a whiskey drink tonight. Or a vodka drink. Or a cider drink.

Re: iPad: I haven’t heard of this many nerds obsessed with number of inches since high school.

If you like the gals on ’16 and Pregnant’ just wait a few more years, you’ll love them on their next show ’32 Year Old Grandma’.

Happy National No Bra Day, Phil Mickelson.

I’m watching two sports events and both keep going to commercial at the same time… #FirstWorldProblems

“You know who I’m worried about?” is a great segue into saying a lot of shitty stuff about someone.

Kourtney Kardashian named her new baby ‘Penelope Scotland’ so she’s pretty much already a stripper.

Adrian Peterson to join several Lions and Sam Hurd on the NFC North prison yard team.

“Tom Cruise’s marriage didn’t work out because Tom Cruise is married to being awesome in movies.” -What His Publicists Should Be Saying

Poll: 9 out of 10 people who stayed at Motel 6 wish the light was left off.

Every kid on the Disney Channel looks like they should be slapped on the back of the head and forced to do a summer of yard work.

My roommates watched the Transformers movie, now Netflix thinks I like terrible movies. #firstworldproblems

Depression gets a bad rap but it can help you do things you’d never imagined possible. For example, today I cried over a hot dog commercial.

Congratulations to Kourtney Kardashian on the birth of her next season!

Ah, humanity. I give you rainbows, but you prefer 50 Shades of Grey.

How do I, as a person, go on airplane mode?

Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?

What I dislike most about Twitter is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left and having to decide which grammar crime to commit.

Twitter is like a colostomy bag for thoughts.

With his legendary passing ability, Steve Nash will now be responsible for more NBA players scoring in Los Angeles than Kim Kardashian.

#UnansweredHipHopQuestions Did Murphy Lee ever find out what the hook gone’ be?

It’s always “Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick.” I’m never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy.

Maybe if I join Scientology my wife will leave me and take the kids.

So, is Snoop’s mind on his money OR is his money on his mind OR is it both? #UnansweredHipHopQuestions

Nothing says “summer” more than some friends, the beach, and a human sacrifice inside a burning Wicker Man.

Just saw a documentary about Journey. It was pretty good but the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on…

According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

In clinical trials, we have solved every medical problem for mice. I am thrilled for them.

The best way to have a good first date is to be seated next to a couple having a bad first date.

DID YOU KNOW: The average Apple worker works 16 hours longer than the average Apple battery.

It’s National Kissing Day, if anyone sees Luke and Leia, tell them to take a cold shower.

The Man Who Unfriended Liberty Valance #worstwesternever

Katie Holmes escaped a marriage to a cold, secretive millionaire in a weird religious cult and you can too, Ann Romney.

Breaking: Alabama pastor holds ‘whites only’ conference, or as they call it in Alabama ‘a conference’

dude who announced the Higgs Boson in an unfashionable font knows how women speakers feel when journalists talk about clothes and weight

Wombstone. #WorstWesternEver

“Shakespeare sucks” – 16th century hipster

The string fell off the tea bag and I had to take it out with a spoon. #FirstWorldProblems

people who set off fireworks on July 5th have a favorite wrestler.

I’m so lazy, my snooze button just hit me.

At a four way stop, it’s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

Dances With Wolf Blitzer #worstwesternever

Higgs Boson is the name of the villain on the next season of “Justified.”

I hope Higgs-Boson isn’t an Old Testament God particle.

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren’t free but I’m sure they enjoyed fireworks

If Jeremy Lin becomes a Rocket, it will be the biggest advancement the Chinese Space Program has seen in decades.

Breaking: Syfy channel just bought the rights to cover the birth of Snooki’s baby.

“More fireworks on Instagram!” –no one

U.S. says mermaids don’t exist. Of course it also says Korea wasn’t a war. Ariel, we stand with you. Or tread water. Whatever.

For 50 years physicists have been looking for the Higgs Boson particle, and now they finally found it. Turns out it’s in any woman’s bra.

I keep hearing about the “huge problem” of whales getting caught in fishnets. I say, if a whale wants to cross-dress, let him.

Rappers shouldn’t have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.

“Look, I’m not racist, but…” -someone who doesn’t finish their sentences

Today’s Tip: To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Mitt Romney was supposed to appear on Anderson Cooper tonight, but it’s cancelled after he shoved Anderson into a locker before AP Biology

Dear Maria Sharapova, just checked with the GF, if grunting is banned you can do it at our house as long as you stay in the backyard.

Katie Holmes is pretending the last 7 years never happened. She just initiated Ghost Protocol.

I just tweeted Scientology and Homosexuality in the same tweet. There is a very good chance someone will show up at my door in 3 minutes.

If Hipsters had their own awards show it would be called the Instagrammys.

The older you get, the longer it takes to clean up a spill.

Anderson Cooper says he didn’t make his announcement on CNN because he wanted people to hear about it.

I want to open a casino, but I have reservations.

Today is Lindsay Lohan’s birthday. She would have been 26 today, God rest her soul.

I know my dog’s love is unconditional because he will hump my leg whether I’ve shaved or not.

BREAKING: Obama’s View on Anderson Cooper’s Sexuality “Still Evolving”

America is seventh in literacy because most of what we write is spelled while driving.

This Independence Day, never forget the heroism of Will Smith, the leadership of Bill Pullman, the sacrifice of Randy Quaid.