Tag: daily

By the time you win that Mini Cooper, you probably won’t fit in it. #McDMonopoly

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Riddle me this, dumbass. Whose stupid riddle-clues take four seconds to solve on Google?

Every white woman over 40 in this Beverly Hills coffee shop looks like Taylor Swift receiving an award.

My iPhone 3G is living the last few pages of Flowers For Algernon.

Do mailmen like opening their own mail or does it feel like work?

The Doobie Brothers reunion is in 17 hours. Someone’s kidnapped Michael McDonald. Now Liam Neeson is…TAKEN: IT TO THE STREETS.

After the game,Tony Romo threw his helmet towards the sideline in disgust and that too was intercepted

The only way the Presidential debates could possibly be interesting is if we replace the regular moderators with ‘replacement moderators.’

Gross did you see the video of vomit throwing up Justin Bieber?

Liam Neeson feels under-appreciated in: “Taken 3: Taken for Granted”

All dogs go to heaven because angels consider dog meat a delicacy.

Wait so “Looper” is NOT a gritty reimagining of Toucan Sam’s bloody turf war against Cap’n Crunch?

Doctors can stop hanging their diplomas on the wall. I don’t care what college you went to, I just want a handicapped plate and Vicodin.

Fox News showed a live suicide on the air. If you think that’s bad, NBC is showing it tape-delayed in prime time tonight.

UPDATE: Instead of fixing Apple Maps, Apple will change the entire face of the planet so it matches Apple Maps.

Steve Jobs wouldn’t have apologized for Maps. He’d say bad directions were a feature leading you on an adventure. Like an acid trip.

Getting surprisingly little information back on my Google Alert for “Alan Arkin + cole slaw.”

St. Jude is the Patron Saint of Lost Causes and Trying To Understand Facebook Security Settings.

Seems Jimmy Hoffa not in his driveway though glitter found may show Ke$sha dropped by to fool around w/his ghost

I’d rather dine with Jeffrey Dahmer than someone who eats pizza with a fork and knife.

Fox News just aired it’s first live suicide since the Republican National Convention.

There should be emotionally handicapped parking spaces.

I don’t want to say that iOS Maps is terrible; I will say that the Jews would have wandered the desert another 4,000 years if they’d used it

Now that the regular refs are back on the job, the @NFL‘s replacement refs can return to their usual jobs in Congress.

If you watch Breaking Bad backwards its about a drug kingpin who agrees to stop cooking meth if his wife stops being so annoying.

Thoughtfully and slowly rotating a pen while squinting has spared me a lifetime of actually listening.

I bet an alarm clock that sounds like Samuel L Jackson would work pretty darn well at getting people out of bed in the morning.

It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.

If they really wanna find Jimmy Hoffa’s body? Hire Barry from Storage Wars. 2 hours tops.

Seahawks to hold wake today in the corner of their end zone for their tragic loss of the replacement refs.

Seeing “Twitter is over capacity” is like hearing Lindsay Lohan can’t work because of “exhaustion.” Get your shit together, Twitter.

Pretty much the only sanity left in the world is a photobombing stingray and a video of a pig saving a drowning goat.

Mike Love kicking Brian Wilson out of the Beach Boys is like Mitt Romney kicking Lincoln out of the GOP.

If your girlfriend switches to #iphone5 from iphone4 just for the sake of another 1/2 inches, you sir, have a problem.

The US will only get serious about the war on obesity if it turns out that fat people have oil.

If you’re motorin’, why do you care so much about flight prices? More like Sister Jewish.

How do you tell if someone has the new iPhone 5? Don’t worry, they’ll let you know…

“Oh, I just can’t sleep past 8 o’clock” -future strangling victim

Tough break for Jay Cutler.. His iPhone 5 preorder was just intercepted by the Packers defense

When life gives you lemons, be thankful it’s just lemons. Life could have shot both your parents in a dirty alley when you were 8.

“Okay Harry, for your September 15th birthday, I am going to make everyone forget about your Vegas pictures.” -Kate Middleton

There’s nothing worse than finding the work bathroom empty when you don’t need to take a shit.

Dear non-Americans who can’t get Netflix, I’m sorry. Take solace in lower crime rates, healthier food and no Jersey Shore.

Let us take to the streets and set fire to our cities to protest this film’s depiction of our people as violent and irrational!

You just know that when Bilbo Baggins was a kid the other kids called him “Dildo Faggins”

Jay Cutler has seen more sacks than Kim Kardashian

Ladies! Don’t forget to hydrate up today to get ready for a busy weekend of drunken crying!

Drank 32 oz. soda and now moving on to heroin.

To honor the anniversary of his death, Hologram Tupac Shakur will be refereeing the Bears-Packers on #TNF

When you’re gutting a hipster you want to cut around, not through, the pretentious gland or else it will spoil the meat.

Siri just told me she thinks the iPhone 5 looks too thin.

You can get a sneak preview of the Entourage movie by watching a YouTube video of a Doberman taking a shit.

Has a murder victim ever been found on a chalkboard?

“I just want my literature explained to me in shorter pamphlet form.” -Cliff

Sally Struthers was arrested for drunk driving. For the price of 500 cups of coffee you can help pay her DUI ticket.

#NameRomneysPlaneContest Out Source One

If I had a penny every time someone tweeted about the iPhone 5 I would almost be able to afford it.

The Chinese Justice System is in real trouble once criminals realize you just push inward to release the fingercuffs.

Sally Struthers arrested for DUI. If she gives up JUST ONE VODKA A DAY, she can feed an African child for 7 months.

Facebook is probably the best thing to happen to guys who like hold up fish in photographs.

iPhone 5: Still no toothpick 🙁

i wonder how much i drank last night in dog beers?

Can’t wait for the new iPhone 5. I’ve had this mint condition, perfectly good, antique iPhone 4 for over a year now. Embarrassing.

Wait “American Hoggers” and “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” are 2 different shows?

Workers at Foxconn factory today start assembling iPhone 6.

The new iPhone, while larger, is still not quite large enough to fill the hole in my soul. Excellent news for Hostess Brands.

I guess “Baby Powder” just sounds better than “Adult Balls Powder”.

So, Skrillex walks into a bar and orders a milk … Bartender says ‘this is a bar, we don’t have milk’… Skrillex says ‘womp womp womp’.

In 2,000 years, when they find ancient Apple stores, they will guess they were ancient temples dedicated to the god of fall harvest.

If I could only take ONE book to the moon, I’d make sure that book had a vagina.

When a single woman rejects you it means you’re less appealing than a Lean Cuisine and some Gilmore Girls reruns.

You are a criminal and should be in prison. RT @chrisbrown: I’m an artist and this is art.

Candy Corn Oreos hit stores today. For those of you who would like to be on Fear Factor but don’t have the time to audition.

If I were a vampire I would totally stock up on forever stamps.

Apple is redesigning earbuds for the new iPhone. They’ll hurt more than the old ones and require special ears from the Apple Store.

I’m worried that the Chris Brown thing is going to ruin the good name of the Neck Tattoo community.

When you cancel on me, you’re a flake. When I cancel on you, I don’t know why you make such a big deal about it, asshole.

Here’s hoping the iPhone 5 totally revolutionizes the way I ignore human beings. http://t.co/KkPq8BRE

If you want to feel better about your day, just think, someone somewhere is waiting for a callback for a Monistat commercial.

Rumor has it that O.J. Simpson is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. That would explain the…well, everything.

If there’s anything we can learn from the O.J. trial, it’s that we should go ahead and take note of Chris Brown’s glove size.

Candy Corn Oreos are coming for Halloween. Okay, maybe the Evangelicals are right, maybe it is a Satanic holiday.

MORGAN FREEMAN HOAX! NO SEE ANYONE DIE SO OFTEN SINCE DRUNK HULK GRANDMA DIE EVERY WEEK BACK IN COLLEGE!

“Let’s not split hairs anymore.” – Bored Barber-Scientists

Today we honor 11 years of people subtly looking for sympathy because their birthday is September 11th.

Ryan Reynolds is every geek’s worst nightmare. He makes shitty film adaptations of comic books, then marries the women we fantasize about.

Thanks Groupon, for reminding me that even at a deeply discounted rate, I cannot afford a 7 day getaway to Fiji. And also, I have no friends

We are born with nothing and we die with nothing but our student loans.

Concerned that hanging my daughter’s artwork all over the house is sending the wrong message. Specifically that I think it’s not terrible.

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively got married just to make sex between everyone else look bad.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Waiting for Pat Robertson to tell us why all the GoDaddy hosted sites are crashing.

ESPN to air Bengals-Ravens/Chargers-Raiders games on delay due to a projected 82% probability of someone getting brutally murdered.

If you watch Pretty Woman backwards, Richard Gere stops kissing his wife on the mouth so she returns all her clothes & becomes a prostitute.

My God, a GoDaddy outage and the Internet machine won’t start. Am I supposed to go and watch real kittens now?

Facebook is like a refrigerator. You get bored and keep checking but nothing ever changes.

Oh for goodness sakes Ryan Reynolds you do not need to marry all of them.

There’s a special place in Hell reserved for people who use hashtags on their Facebook statuses.

Breaking: Jessie’s girl turns out to be a real asshole.

This crowd wants more Bill Clinton. Unfortunately he headed out to the VMA’s to explain why Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart broke up.

“In case of emergency, break water.” – Fetuses

FACT CHECK: Obama “I’m the president.” THIS HAS BEEN VERIFIED, CARRY ON. #dnc2012

I hate when you reach the point that you recognize all of your co-workers’ pants.

All this “you can’t opt out of the ads in the new Kindle Fire” stuff ignores the fact that you can opt out of the new Kindle Fire.

Thanks to social media, our lives are less interesting than ever and we have more ways to share the evidence.

Part of me will be sad when Rihanna dies and part of me will be glad to see Chris Brown go to the electric chair

“I have an idea for a new kind of screwdriver.” -Phillip

Another earthquake hit LA last night, didn’t even have the decency to hit the VMAs.

I am definitely better off than I was four beers ago.

BREAKING: With NFL season kicking off tonight.. the Browns, Rams and Dolphins have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

“You know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat well what if we added an extra slice of bread?” Inventor of club sandwich

Where do I vote for Michelle Obama’s arms?

The next person who uses “adorbs” I will most definitely “murds.”

“Here comes Honey Boo Boo,” whispered a meth dealer in 2019.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she farted and woke herself up.

I wish they would bring out Mrs. Clint Eastwood (and a chair) so she could invent an invisible FLOTUS. #lonely

Tonight, at the DNC, Bill Clinton will praise the many great accomplishments of the Secret Service during Obama’s first term.

I hope Obama takes some time during his DNC speech to address the cruelties Amanda Bynes has faced this past year.

No white pants after Labor Day! Or before, if you have any self respect.

The entire sunglass industry will be bankrupt the day Bono dies.

Bras are like politics. They separate the right from the left and make a lot of promises, but they’re really all about attracting money.

MTV cancels Jersey Shore to focus on their new family friendly show “10 and Pregnant”

Mitt Romney has won the GOP nomination! So inspiring. The man overcame crushing privilege to make it here.

Clint Eastwood’s RNC speech will reportedly focus on the dangers of windburn.

Best part of Obama AMA on Reddit: first comment is a moderator named “DRUNKEN ECONOMIST” verifying his ID.

How’s that ironic tattoo from seven years ago working out?

I accidentally skipped a song I really like on Pandora #firstworldproblems

If I were Tim Berners-Lee, I’d take the internet away and only give it back once you’ve learned to play nicely with it.

‘Jersey Shore’ just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.

Politicians who don’t tell the truth are destroying the sanctity of lying. Lying is between a man and a woman he’s trying to have sex with.

Remember that ‘Vote Or Die’ campaign Puff Daddy had where he threatened to murder Americans if they didn’t vote? That was scary.

I think I’m as good as Ezra.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

WebMD should just redirect to the Wikipedia page on hypochondria.

“I know a jizzy white food lube already exists, but let’s make one that’s imperceptibly different.” – inventor of Miracle Whip

It’s not that Republicans are scared of Hispanic immigrants — they literally believe that the rhythm is going to get them.

Lindsay Lohan. Only celebrity who needs a publicist and a fence.

Does watching Pawn Stars and eating Chipotle count as a Cross Fit workout?

On today’s #RNCschedule: Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan share their first dance in middle of arena at 10:45 p.m. http://t.co/M2PrHGTf

Obama is doing a Reddit AMA? I hope he’s going to answer real questions and not keep it strictly about his new movie Rampart.

Barack Obama is working to create jobs for Americans. Specifically in reddit’s IT department.

Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.

You got off easy when Chris Christie told you to stand up, conventioneers. Paul Ryan’s gonna make you do P90X.

It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels

Do something nice for your favorite friend today, like get it a new cellphone case.