WebProNews

Tag: daily

  • Coach K, Quidditch, and The Salvation Army Bucket

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we learn what sport will take the place of professional basketball, find why charity can be a first world problem, and discover a fun fact about redheads.

    Enjoy!

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Really interested to read what the Stop Online Piracy Act is all about. Anyone have a link to torrent it? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Mike Krzyzewski considers trading a couple of his wins for a vowel. 15 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @cornlog
    Hugh Jass    The Justine Bieber paternity suit was withdrawn but we still don’t know whose baby is in his uterus. 40 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Fun Fact: Less than 3% of red haired people go through life without being bullied or killing a family member. 5 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    This feud between Ludacris, Drake and Big Sean is so silly.
    Stop yelling guys, this isn’t the movie theater. 52 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    If your parents are divorced, it was totally your fault. So way to go, shithead. 42 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @RexHuppke
    Rex Huppke    If there isn’t a cologne called “The 1%” on fragrance shelves by Thanksgiving, my faith in capitalism will be shattered. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kylekinane
    Kyle Kinane    My attitude towards my tattoos is the same as my parents’ toward their marriage. “Here we are, eating silently at Applebees yet again.” 41 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I put money in the Salvation Army bucket when the person wasn’t looking #firstworldproblems 23 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @inmynewskin
    T Black    Kinda bored. Might shake things up by believing in Santa again. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @IamEnidColeslaw
    Mary Charlene    I would definitely read the Bible if it was a flipbook 17 hours ago via txt · powered by @socialditto

    @Therealnuddy
    nu nu     Coach K is the best college basketball coach ever. 2 hours ago via Plume  · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    No Basketball Anymore. Time to shine, Quidditch! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Jerry Sandusky, The Konami Code, and Flossing

    Jerry Sandusky, The Konami Code, and Flossing

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter explores a wide range of topics including Jerry Sandusky, Flossing, Sbarro, and The View. We also learn why it should feel like 1998 to everyone.

    Enjoy!

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    I just used the “Find My iPhone” to search for Jerry Sandusky. It says he’s at a Dave & Busters. Not good 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    Just saw a fat kid in the airport eating Sbarro’s pizza at 9:00am.
    I should see if he wants to use this American flag as a napkin. 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    I wish Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right-B-A-Select-Start worked in real life. 13 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    The View is like cat vomit that can talk. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Hey NYPD: You know wearing riot gear to evict unarmed grad students from tents makes you look like pussies, right? #ows 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will    Hate flossing? Rinse your mouth out with blood and cut out the middle man. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @pourmecoffee
    pourmecoffee    NBA labor nightmare. Newt Gingrich leading the GOP. It’s 1998 all over again, baby! 1 day ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    Sandusky is the Michael Jackson of showering with boys. 15 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    My son’s been in the bathroom for an hour and I’m worried that he might be beating my Angry Birds score. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @LouBrutus
    Lou Brutus    AMERICA RECYCLES DAY: Idle NBA players will celebrate by reusing Kim Kardashian again and again and again. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ERlC_CARTMAN
    Not Cartman    #WhatYouFindInLadiesHandbags a device to update how sad they are on facebook 9 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    Saw a huge line of kids camped outside a movie theater. Had no idea twelve-year-old girls were so into the life of J. Edgar Hoover. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    The proper length of time to pause after being asked “Are you sexually attracted to underage boys?” is 0.000000 seconds. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    When you “ASSUME” you make an “ass” out of “u” and Melissa Etheridge 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I drank too much last night and accidentally logged into MySpace #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @jamonthirteen
    jamonthirteen    I’m the Gabby Giffords of returning to an all-you-can eat Chinese buffet after said establishment sidelined me with diarrhea for 2 weeks. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

  • Maroon 5, 11/11/11, and Threesomes

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, we get a couple of tweets regarding today’s numerical anomaly, 11/11/11. We also
    discuss alphabetical showering and get a great tip from the fake AP Stylebook.

    Enjoy!

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    TIME TO TURN DAY UP TO 11! 17 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rydontcare
    ryanne    My day feels more organized when I wash my body parts alphabetically. 7 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    My Skyrim pre-order didn’t arrive on release day. #firstworldproblems 8 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @anthonyjeselnik
    Anthony Jeselnik    This Penn State scandal is disgusting. Every detail makes me want to take a long, hot shower. 3 hours ago via TwitBird · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    “Okay, here’s the deal…” (FDR) 6 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Tebow and Broncos are working to implement an option-style offense. Options include running the ball or running the ball. 4 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Put quotation marks around every mention of “Bible,” just to see what happens. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @Kris_Humphries
    Not Kris Humphries    “@KimKardashian: 11/11/11 11:11 make a wish!” I wish I was black so you wouldn’t divorce me 🙁 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Maroon 5 would be more useful to me if they were an ingredient in my soft drink. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    “This is so cool!!!” – how to ruin a threesome 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Thanks to all the brave men and women like my dad whose service has allowed me to live my life like a total pussy. #HappyVeteransDay 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EliBraden
    Eli Braden    Does Veterans Day fall on 11/11/11 every year? 50 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @MaxScoville
    Max Scoville    Billy Crystal would be a great name for a meth dealer. 20 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @MrPeeker
    A J Franks    FB makes HS reunions awkward. Hey, I haven’t seen you 20 years. So how was that nap you took this afternoon? 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Braunger
    Matt Braunger    It’s amazing how even the phrase “But….but….raping little boys!” still doesn’t win an argument with some Catholics or Penn State fans. 31 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Rick Perry, Bob Seger, and Quitting Drinking

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we get a healthy dose of tweets regarding Texas Governor Rick Perry’s debate performance. We also find why it’s so hard for the Drunk hulk to stop drinking.

    Enjoy!

    @JimNorton
    Jim Norton    And congratulations to Rick Perry! R. Budd Dwyer’s last appearance in front of a camera was less politically damaging. 13 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @dubouchet
    Andrés du Bouchet    Hardly anyone here at work today. Crap, this is my living room. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    DRUNK HULK TRY QUIT DRINKING! BUT THEY NO MAKE WAGON BIG ENOUGH FOR DRUNK HULK! 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rayleee
    Raymond Lee    Do Americans realise that tomorrow is 11/11/11 and not 11/11/11? 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @charliepantzz
    Charliepantz    Thumbfucker (noun) – Someone who ‘likes’ just above every mother fucking thing you do on Facebook. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ApocalypseHow
    Rob Kutner    The students rioting over Paterno’s firing are the “Arab Spring of Douchebags.” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Looking like a stupid governor from Texas on live TV is the smartest thing Rick Perry’s done to get the GOP nomination. 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    Can’t help thinking that in the Bob Seger song “We’ve Got Tonight”, it’s his penis singing. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    Oops! My wife just asked me if I remembered her birthday & I pulled a “Rick Perry.” (I executed her) 4 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @EliBraden
    Eli Braden    “9, 9 … Um …” – Rick Perry, trying to remember Herman Cain’s tax plan 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFunnySexist
    The Funny Sexist™    Google, you #remindme of my wife. Let me finish my sentence before you give me suggestions! 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @Ahm76
    Ahm    “Oh shit, what was that funny thought I had 30 seconds ago?” — Me, looking at a blank tweet box 2 hours ago via Silver Bird · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Until yesterday, I did not realize that the Penn State football team had a school, too. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • The Oscars, Asteroids, and Children’s Books Made More Exciting

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we catch a pretty funny trending hashtag, #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting. Twitter is also buzzing about the news coming out of the Academy Awards and we learn what it means to have a phone voice similar to your real voice.

    Enjoy!

    @IGotsSmarts
    Steve M*******ski    Answer: They lie dormant for a period of time before becoming active and irritating. Question: What are cold sores or Coldplay. 1 hour ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @DangerGuerrero
    Danger Guerrero    I see no legitimate reason why Ghostface Killah can’t host this year’s Academy Awards. 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Belichick says they tried everything to make Haynesworth work, including putting a picture of a pork chop on the inside of his visor. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @MrsStephenFry
    Mrs Stephen Fry    The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe Malfunction #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Coastiefish
    Matt Smith    If your phone voice isn’t different than your regular voice, I will assume that you’re a serial killer. 2 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    An asteroid just failed to destroy the Earth, so it’s up to Goldman Sachs now. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DanMacEachern
    Daniel MacEachern    Bi-Curious George #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting 4 hours ago via Twittelator · powered by @socialditto

    @tendonstrength
    Bri-Bri T.    I heard that Herman Cain came up with his 999 plan while he was interviewing a German woman for a job. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @clarkekant
    Clarke Kant    If God loved us, doughnuts would be health food. 5 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @dodgerthoughts
    Jon Weisman    Twitter has made it clear that a 12-week reality show in which a dozen potential #Oscars hosts competed against each other would be a hit. 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Watching my dad use his new iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try to communicate with her dead grandma on a Ouija board. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @GarryShandling
    Garry Shandling    Since when is Earth afraid of asteroids, by the way? We’re
    America. 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    Work only lets me use IE, so when I accidentally type things in the address bar, it brings up Bing. #FirstWorldProblems 28 minutes ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @mlkef
    mlkef not milf    In my experience, cross-eyed employees are the best deterrent against shoplifting. You just can’t be positive that they’re not watching. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @bassnectarshair
    Bassnectar’s Hair     #childrensbooksmademoreexciting If You Give a Mouse a Pot Cookie 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @outcast
    outcast    LOL Cat in the Hat #ChildrensBooksMadeMoreExciting 29 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @zachbraff
    Zach Braff    I’ll host the Oscars if Billy Crystal and Wolverine are busy… 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Michelle Duggar, Christmas Music, and Clint Eastwood’s Skin

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter is aflutter with the news that the Duggar family will be welcoming their 20th child. We also see why we really don’t need the NBA and learn what Clint Eastwood’s skin might be made out of.

    Enjoy!

    @Aimee_B_Loved
    Aimee B    Michelle Duggar is pregnant again? Forget Mexico. We should build a fence between her vag and the real world. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FillWerrell
    Will Ferrell Parody    The largest gathering of virgins is happening at a Game Stop near you! #MW3 14 hours ago via Mobile Web · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    Your body is a McDonaldland. – Overweight John Mayer 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    Cyber-bullying is so fucking lazy. Get off your ass, find a nice kid who’s minding his own business, and shove his face in the toilet! 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DearAnyone
    Artie Johann    Everyone’s worst day can usually be traced back to a stubbed toe. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will    Love that part of Sublime’s “What I Got” when he claims to “play the guitar like a motherfuckin’ riot” and then proceeds to not do that. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Women Harassed by Herman Cain: “We Are the 99%” 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    The Duggars announced they are having their 20th child. Even Antonio Cromartie is saying “that’s enough”. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My cat’s tail is blocking my TV remote signal #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    MORE DRUNK HULK HEAR CHRISTMAS MUSIC THIS EARLY! MORE DRUNK DRUNK HULK WISH THAT ASTEROID COME CLOSER! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Hadzilla
    Jeffrey Raymond    “Thanks bro.” – Herman Cain to Joe Paterno 47 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    Clint Eastwood’s skin looks like it made out of wet kitten dicks. 29 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mikeacker
    mikeacker    Who needs the NBA when there’s non-conference NCAA basketball. Well done UK. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @brandorogers
    b    Statistically speaking, 7% of ‘your mom’ jokes now refer to Michelle Duggar. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Tone Loc, Dr. Conrad Murray, and Pet Turkeys

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today Twitter is ablaze with tweets about the Conrad Murray verdict. We also learn what you can do if your don’t want to fly from Boston to New York, and we see the difference between boxing fans and football fans.

    Enjoy!

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    Conrad Murray has been found guilty proving that in involuntary manslaughter cases, it don’t matter if you’re black or white. #verdict 28 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheOneMisfit
    Misfit    I look at people sometimes and think..”For real? That’s the sperm that won?” 4 hours ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    It’s official: Herman Cain has now harassed more women than Godfather’s Pizza has customers. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @tompapa
    Tom Papa    Changed my pet turkey’s diet to high carb, high fat, milkshake diet. He thinks I love him… 5 hours ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    CORRECTION: “American Horror Story” and “Jerseylicious” are actually two different shows. Adjust reviews accordingly. 5 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    If you don’t want to fly from Boston to New York, you can always drive on the Pats defense. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    “This rape beverage keeps backfiring!”
    — the plot of Tone Loc’s “Funky Cold Medina” 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    My arms hurt from holding up my smartphone in bed. #firstworldproblems 3 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @joshcomers
    Josh Comers    The hardest part of having a cold is slyly working the fact that I have a cold into every sentence. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    With how much we girls talk about our emotions, you’d think we’d be able to handle them better. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    It’s nice how all of the people outside the courthouse during the reading of the Dr. Conrad Murray verdict were given the day off of work. 35 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Boxing fans more charitable than football fans as some offer to donate liver to Joe Frazier but none offer balls to Jay Cutler. 44 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    “You should have moved to Florida Dr. Murray.” – Casey Anthony 38 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @zumavegas
    Diego Vega    Anytime Ben Roethlisberger loses an angels gets their wings 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    The Penn State & Conrad Murray stories confuse me.
    Are we supposed to help child molesters or kill them??? 30 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • National Sandwich Day, The Dalai Lama, and Spare Ribs

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we have tweets celebrating National Sandwich Day! We also find a revealing secret about the Dalai Lama and give a little advice to the porn industry.

    Enjoy!

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    I’m going to open a fast food place called ‘Chick Fil B’ that will only be open on Sundays and religious holidays. 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Sorry porn industry, but a 40 year old woman with pigtails and knee-high socks isn’t “barely legal”. 4 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    I’m a deadbeat dad to my Google+ account: I stop in three times a year, never tell it I love it, and I was blackout drunk when I created it. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFunnySexist
    The Funny Sexist™    Today is National Sandwich Day. It is also National Housewife’s Day. Coincidence? 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    Justin hits 14 million followers? What? Why is he hitting people? Who does he think he is, Chris Brown? 9 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I sat through all the movie credits, but there was no extra scene at the end. #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    BREAKING: Kim Kardashian has suddenly cut her Australian trip short, apparently mistaking it for a marriage. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmykimmel
    Jimmy Kimmel    When I die I want people to remember that I never once drove a car with a spoiler. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    Judge not, lest ye be judged. Unless thou art Judge William Adams. In which case, thou art sooooooo judged. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hipsterproblems
    Hipster Problems    It’s National Sandwich Day? I’ll have a salad, please. #hipsterproblems 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    In obits, make it unclear if the dead person is survived by people or pets: Dave is survived by Jane, Flopsy, George, and Mr. Barkelstein. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    For me sex is like the Saw movies. It only happens once a year, everyone leaves disappointed, & usually there’s a puppet involved. 20 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DavidKlein5
    David Klein    Not sure why BBQ restaurants call them spare ribs. Pretty sure the animal needed all his ribs. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    I bet even the Dalai Lama has measured his penis. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @AGuyWithNoLife
    Elijah Daniel    It’s National Sandwich Day aka Make Sexist Jokes Day. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    If you search “Do a barrel roll” google does a barrel roll! If you search “Tracy Chapman lyrics” gmail tells your family you’re suicidal. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Zooey Deschanel, Tatooine Sex Slang, and Halloween Candy

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, we look at tweets from two of the day’s persistent hashtags, #tatooinesexslang and #6wordstories. We also see the adverse effect of eating that leftover Halloween candy and look at some Philosophical Football.

    Enjoy!

    @TheRyanFactor
    Ryan Taylor    The Tuskan Raider, where after you’re done, you grab the lamp, hoist it above your head and yell at the top of your lungs. #tatooinesexslang 28 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    I broke the light in my refrigerator so it wouldn’t blind me when I nightfeed. 7 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    Crumbling Doritos on a salad is something normal people do, right? 7 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @Lord_Voldemort7
    The Dark Lord    #6wordstories: This was more entertaining than Twilight. 8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ThatKevinSmith
    KevinSmith    The Third Moon of Yavin is where I stick my Y-Wing. #tatooinesexslang 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    I’ve eaten so much leftover Halloween chocolate in the past few days that I’ve confused my body into having PMS. 7 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    We don’t know that eggnog isn’t Santa Claus jizz. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    M&Ms melt in your mouth AND in your hands. #firstworldproblems 1 hour ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    The only thing worse than getting AIDS is regifting it. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RoseWard2
    Rose Ward    Bantha Fodder; Hooking up with the ugly girl so your friend can get some action #Tatooinesexslang 30 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    #PhilosophicalFootball If Tim Tebow throws a pass in the forest, and nobody is around to see it, is it still ugly? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBosha
    The Bosha    Why is anyone surprised by these Herman Cain harassment allegations? The bucka-bucka wow-wow always starts when the pizza guy arrives. 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @PotEtiquette
    Pot Etiquette    #6wordstories: Named my pipe “Lucky.” It broke. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    Guess who’s got a baby bump??? My grandson who I accidentally dropped on his head!!! 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Zooey Deschanel & husband Ben Gibbard split. Maybe he couldn’t take her singing in those annoying cotton commercials 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @pattonoswalt
    Patton Oswalt    “Letting the Wookie win” — getting cock-blocked by a pretty girl’s ugly friend at the bar. #tatooinesexslang 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

  • Halloween, Luke Perry, and Rejected Peanuts Specials

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Halloween is on everyone’s mind. Not only that, but we get numerous tweets from today’s most entertaining hashtag, #RejectedPeanutsSpecials.

    Enjoy!

    @adambonin
    Adam Bonin    Are You There, God? It’s Me, Charlie Brown. #RejectedPeanutsSpecials 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBillWalton
    The Bill Walton Trip    LeBron attempted to put together a Frodo Baggins costume but his efforts were thwarted when he didn’t have a ring. #CelebHalloweenCostumes 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FrigidGrizzle
    Grizzle Kevorkian    Giving me a dirty look for smoking outside of Starbucks is the equivalent of giving a woman in labor a dirty look for requesting epidural. 5 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    Is it wrong to say “retarded” or should I say “mentally challenged”? Either way, these kids are slow as shit and Im definitely winning gold! 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @theNuzzy
    david nuzzy nussbaum    Sorry Eileen, but Dexy’s Midnight Runners told me to. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @MJMcKean
    Michael McKean    What’s the Safe Word, Charlie Brown? #RejectedPeanutsSpecials 29 minutes ago via Twittelator · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    “Puss in Boots” is what we call Tom Brady when he’s sporting his Uggs. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    Just realized Siri only works on iPhone 4S. No idea who the lady I’ve been talking to is. 34 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @scalzi
    John Scalzi    The Little Redheaded Girl Likes Lucy, Charlie Brown #RejectedPeanutsSpecials 6 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @LouBrutus
    Lou Brutus    HAPPY HALLOWEEN: I’m sewing Kim Kardashian-Snooki-Lindsay Lohan-Paris Hilton & Casey Anthony together into a Human Skankipede. #Halloween 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @SourceAmbs
    ambs     Luke Perry needs to Twitter just so he can let people know he’s alive. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @KeithPowell
    Keith Powell    We’re Concerned About Your Drinking, Charlie Brown #RejectedPeanutsSpecials 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @iowahawkblog
    David Burge    #RejectedPeanutsSpecials Good Grief, You Have Juvenile Onset Baldness Charlie Brown 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Adolf Hitler, Siri, and Less Exciting Band Names

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we get a few tweets from a trending hashtag, #lessexcitingbandnames. We also learn why Hitler wasn’t that bad of a guy after all.

    Enjoy!

    @ThelIluminati
    The Illuminati    Adolf Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy, after all he did kill Adolf Hitler. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RollingStone
    Rolling Stone    The Rolling Pebbles #lessexcitingbandnames 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    Very worried about my daughters’ grades. They’re either going to have to work harder or get much hotter. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My internet is so fast that when I click a wrong link, I don’t have time to click the right one before it loads the page 4 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @alexblagg
    Alex Blagg    I’m not sure what Siri-porn would actually be, but I’m certain it already exists. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Carson Palmer says he’s not looking to reunite with Terrell Owens. The Raiders already have enough receivers to almost complete passes to. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @michaelianblack
    Michael Ian Black    Happy Halloween everybody. May all your razor blades be untraceable. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    UNLESS YOU DRUNK UNIVERSITY STUDENT! YOU REALLY GOT NO RIGHT BE EXCITE ABOUT STUPID MCRIB! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Coastiefish
    Matt Smith    When did “go fly a kite” become an insult? Thats ridiculous. Have you actually flown a kite lately? It’s fucking amazing. 39 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @sodamichelle
    Michelle Fleishman    Guns n’ Carnations #lessexcitingbandnames 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

    @DCdebbie
    DC Debbie    Beavis and Butthead, Adolf Hitler, American Nightmare are trending in the US. Was there a Republican debate scheduled I didn’t know about? 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jennharjo
    Jenn Harjo    #tebowing – verb – to get down on a knee and start praying, even if everyone else around you is doing something completely different. 47 minutes ago via Proxlet · powered by @socialditto

    @eddyTM
    Eddy Temple-Morris    Ambivalence Against The Machine #lessexcitingbandnames 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Moleskine Notebooks, Amy Winehouse, and How To Survive A Horror Movie

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today we look at tweets about the McRib, Amy Winehouse, and Moleskine Notebooks. We also see two funny tweets from two of today’s most persistent trending hashtags.

    Enjoy!

    @sween
    Jason Sweeney    So many people are complaining about the McRib I assume it’s made of old episodes of “Whitney”. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Lifeinsandbox
    Michael    Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people’s noses 50 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    I’m guessing the worldwide average is about one great idea per every 2.7 million Moleskine notebooks. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    There’s a mild sense of relief when a relationship ends that you don’t have to do any of the bullshit you promised. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    My girlfriend keeps calling my new Touchpad an iPad. #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @funnybrad
    Brad Williams    Female Costume Guide: Black Bra (Slutty Cat) Green Bra (Slutty Tree) Red Bra (Slutty Apple) Blue Bra (Slutty Smurf) Yellow Bra (Slutty Bee) 3 hours ago via Facebook · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    “Serial killer” is a multiple murderer. “Cereal Killer” is a novelty song we really regret downloading when we were drunk. 3 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    #GhettoRamenNoodleFlavors Purple. Like the drank. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jondaly
    Jon Daly    Kids, Knife-Sex Qaddafi is not an acceptable Halloween costume. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Carson Palmer reports to practice during Raiders bye week, but just to tailgate. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    In shocking news it’s been confirmed Amy Winehouse died of substance abuse.
    In other shocking news it’s been confirmed fire is hot. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Better to be silent & thought a fool than open your mouth & eat a McRib. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BretEastonEllis
    Bret Easton Ellis    #StepsToSurviveAHorrorMovie: if you hear “Don’t Fear the Reaper” coming from a car stereo and it’s Oct 31 and you’re hot: get the fuck out. 11 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Lindsay Lohan, Creed, and Nazis

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, the Twitterverse has a lot to say about Lindsay Lohan’s possible Playboy spread. We also find out something interesting about the existence of the band Creed.

    Enjoy!

    @kevinleaptrot
    Kevin Leaptrot    Yoko Ono #PeopleIdRatherSeeInPlayboyThanLindsayLohan 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Jesus must have been on Ambien the day he allowed Creed to exist. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    Loving your kids is easy. Even easier when they’re good at sports. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Never fall in love with a mermaid until you’re confident you can find their vagina. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @funnyordie
    Funny Or Die    Looking forward to the GTA V trailer like a pregnant woman’s first ultrasound. 9 months of waiting until that bundle of joy ruins a life. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmykimmel
    Jimmy Kimmel    Dear guy riding a unicycle. Stop. Sincerely, Everyone 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @michaelianblack
    Michael Ian Black    I will watch pretty much any movie or television show about Nazis. Good job, Nazis. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    Michael Jackson (now) #PeopleIdRatherSeeInPlayboyThanLindsayLohan 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @ApexToApex
    Derek Wilson    It’s interesting how #McRib and #LindsayLohanPosingNudeinPlayboy are both trending, because they’re pretty much the same thing. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @joshcomers
    Josh Comers    Lindsay Lohan is posing nude for Playboy. To make her comfortable, the photographer will ask her to face forward, then look to the side. 15 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    Maybe Sinead O’Connor just didn’t like similes. 22 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FakeAPStylebook
    Fake AP Stylebook    Both “jack-o-lantern” and “jack o’lantern” are correct spellings. “Jacko lantern” is a rare jaw disorder. 27 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

  • The McRib, Occupy Wall Street 2, and Caps Lock

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, the Twitterverse is “excited” for the big return of the McRib sandwich at McDonalds. We also learn what God really said to himself at the dawn of creation and find out who really deserves the NFL MVP award this year.

    Enjoy!

    @mynameisdorn
    Dorn    The McRib is back…. I predict I will smell like BBQ sauce and shame later. No eye contact with me today. Thank you. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheTweetOfGod
    God    At the dawn of Creation I looked real tough at Myself and said “Go ahead. Make a day.” 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    It’s feeling like a 4 McGriddle morning. 8 hours ago via TweetCaster for iOS · powered by @socialditto

    @DemetriMartin
    Demetri Martin    Overheard today in restaurant: “Can you stop listening to our conversation?” 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RuthBourdain
    Ruth Bourdain    I keep reading tweets that say “The McRib is back.” I knew it: McRIbs are made from human backs. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    I bet $100,000 the chick crying in the bar bathroom likes ranch dressing on her pizza. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @moshekasher
    moshekasher    I want to make fun of old men’s balls but that’s just low hanging fruit. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DobbyWrnsHryPtr
    DirtyHippy    I’m going to dress up as a sexy slut for Halloween. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I didn’t know that that I had caps-lock on and now i have to retype my e-mail address to log in. #firstworldproblems 8 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeESPN
    The Fake ESPN    Tim Tebow has started to call 3rd downs “Muslims” because of how much trouble he has converting them. 1 day ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    Will Occupy Wall Street 2 star Shia LaBeouf? 20 minutes ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    The Death Star engineer sent me a Direct Message about the two meter hole, but twitter was over capacity and I never got it. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Glad they’re making Great Gatsby in 3-D. My favorite part of the book was when Gatsby threw knives at the reader’s face. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jakeandamir
    Amir Blumenfeld    If the Colts go 0-16, Peyton Manning should win the MVP award this year. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Muammar Gaddafi, Michael Cera, and a Pizza Party

    Muammar Gaddafi, Michael Cera, and a Pizza Party

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter was dominated by the death of Muammar Gaddafi. Other than that, we learn what turned one Twitter into a believer.

    Enjoy!

    @AlbertBrooks
    Albert Brooks    Just For Men releases statement: “We can lose Gaddafi, we still have Mubarak and Gene Simmons.” 1 hour ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    IT SAFE SAY THAT GEORGE ORWELL ANIMAL FARM TRIBUTE IN OHIO WAS HUGE FAILURE! 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @biorhythmist
    matt    I was an atheist until I saw a kid turn his phone off when the previews started. 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    Don’t worry Latino-Americans, HAL understands you. #Siri 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @mottbollomy
    Matt Bellamy    – Saddam Hussein ☑ – Osama Bin Laden ☑ – Col. Gaddafi ☑ – Justin Bieber ☐ 7 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    “Whatever. We killed our despot leader like, five years ago.” -Iraqi hipster 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @jonathan_katz
    jonathan katz    This is a line that only seems to work for one holiday. I have learned this the hard way on Thanksgiving. “See you next year” 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @charliepantzz
    Charliepantz    I feel bad for orphans & the homeless. Also, people who check in to the Dollar Store on Facebook. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail. 1 hour ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @JoeMande
    Joe Mande    OMG PLEASE SAY PIZZA PARTY! RT @THEHermanCain: Gaddafi is gone, that’s good. Now the question is: What’s next? 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @Its_Death
    Steve Death    Both MC Hammer & Gaddafi trending. Stop. Muammar Time. 8 hours ago via TweetList Pro · powered by @socialditto

    @adamisacson
    Adam Isacson    Today I forgot to comb my hair, but people thought I was nice. Then, nothing of consequence happened. So today was every Michael Cera movie. 18 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

  • Newt Gingrich, The World Series, and Forever 21

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter is talking about the World series (and drunk Red Sox players). We also see what the connection is between Anderson Cooper and Newt Gingrich.

    Enjoy!

    @someecards
    someecards    Let’s drink while watching World Series games like we’re Red Sox players watching Red Sox games. http://t.co/Sk4fD2Pp 4 hours ago via Tweet Button · powered by @socialditto

    @bazecraze
    Alex Baze    Newt Gingrich looks like what Anderson Cooper would look like if you found him two weeks after he drowned. 19 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @TheThryll
    Will    “I just stung that guy, and now his friend has to pee on him.” -Jellyfish, Nature’s Assholes 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    I installed Android 4.0 Ice Cream Sandwich with Facial Recognition. Now anyone with a picture of Dave can read his emails. 8 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away. 17 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    Rex Grossman, Donovan McNabb and Kyle Orton enter a bar. The bartenders says “What would you like to start with?” Orton answers “Our teams.” 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    At the mall. Everyone in the ‘Forever 21’ is over 34. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DavidKlein5
    David Klein    There’s a lot more cougars in Los Angeles than Ohio but that doesn’t seem to make the news. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @theNuzzy
    david nuzzy nussbaum    I need to exercise. Just inadvertently did the Truffle Shuffle while vigorously washing my hands. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    I like to rap along with songs but don’t feel comfortable saying “nigga” #FirstWorldProblems 52 minutes ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @kellyoxford
    kelly oxford    If you have a taxidermy marlin and you’ve never tried to joust someone with it, you’re wasting everyone’s time. 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Wussawilla
    tangy    When a cop pulls you over and asks, “Papers?” answer “Scissors.” then drive away.. 8 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @GoodSportz
    Good Sportz    Michelle Obama attending World Series game tonight in St Louis. Secret Service says stadium isn’t ready yet. Already, they’re blaming Busch. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TSNDaveHodge
    Dave Hodge – TSN    World Series Drinking Game: Have a beer if you think the guy who makes an error, throws or swings at a bad pitch, might have just had one. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • Carson Palmer, Dry Oreos, and Shia LaBeouf

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter is buzzing about Carson Palmer being traded to the Raiders. Also, we get an inspirational tweet from the Dalai Lama and we lump people with certain cookie proclivities into a fairly motley crew.

    Enjoy!

    @Brad_Spitts
    Spitler    Are the guys that pretended to be gangster in High School still checking in places on Facebook? 4 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @jasonWSJ
    Jason Gay    Bengals try to send Carson Palmer to the Raiders….but Carson Palmer gets intercepted and returned for a touchdown. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    I won’t be able to participate in no shave November because I have a job #firstworldproblems 2 hours ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    If a guy’s coffee order has more than 5 words in it, he should have to tuck his penis and balls behind his butt for the rest of the day. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DaDalaiLama
    Dalai Lama    I sent that bitch an inspirational tweet. Bitches love inspirational tweets. 46 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    Good News: I collected all four railroads playing Monopoly at McDonald’s. Bad News: I now exceed the weight limit on the jet ski I won. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @GuyEndoreKaiser
    Guy Endore-Kaiser    It’s too bad The Playboy Club got cancelled, I was looking forward to girls finally dressing up slutty for Halloween. 49 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robfee
    Rob Fee    There are child abusers, there are murderers, then there are people who eat dry Oreos. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @TheBosha
    The Bosha    Tonight’s GOP debate is in Vegas, and I’m giving Herman Cain the odds on candidate most likely to wake up tomorrow with a face tattoo. 19 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @Coastiefish
    Matt Smith    “Oh, hold on. Lemme check my box of unidentifiable plugs and bullshit cables…” – Everyone 31 minutes ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @roblathan
    Rob Lathan    The guy who beat up Shia LaBeouf must’ve just watched all of his movies. 47 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheOneMisfit
    Misfit    Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad. 18 hours ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @sportsguy33
    Bill Simmons    Oakland traded 2 first round picks for Carson Palmer? Al Davis is still alive!!! I knew it!!! 4 hours ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    If you’re transgender and want society to see you as a straight man there’s gotta be a better show to go on than Dancing with the Stars. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

  • The Walking Dead, Whole Grains, and Herman Cain Pizza Jams

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, the hashtag #HermanCainPizzaJams has been trending, we see an interesting realization about the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ frontman, and we see how to prevent people from messing with your thermostat.

    Enjoy!

    @PimpBillClinton
    Bill Clinton    You know it’s Monday when you’ve been in traffic 20 minutes before you realize the ‘fasten seatbelt’ alarm is going off. 4 hours ago via TweetCaster for iOS · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    STUDY: Blackberry Outage Forcing Douchebags to Interact with Their Families 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @brianbeutler
    Brian Beutler    Meatlover, You Should’ve Come Over #HermanCainPizzaJams 46 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @DepressedDarth
    Darth Vader    #wheniwas14 I looked like a young Hayden Christensen. 18 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BenjySarlin
    Benjy Sarlin    Another Brick Oven In The Wall #HermanCainPizzaJams 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    I’m currently driving to Austin, so if anyone wants a “wolf-howling-at-moon-blanket-sold-out-of-a-van-on-the-side-of-the-road” let me know. 52 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @fleshcake
    G.T. Collins    There should be a trap door below every thermostat just in case that’s not your house. 2 hours ago via twicca · powered by @socialditto

    @rainnwilson
    RainnWilson    The women on The Walking Dead need to stop whining & crying all the time. Also, the cast needs to stop tripping & dropping things. 15 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Coastiefish
    Matt Smith    If god wanted me to eat whole grains, he would have made animals out of whole grains. 3 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @michaelianblack
    Michael Ian Black    When did Anthony Kiedis and Iggy Pop become the same person? 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @FauxJohnMadden
    Faux John Madden    In exchange for Brandon Lloyd, Denver will receive a 6th round pick. It’s unclear whether or not Tim Tebow can turn that pick into wine. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @DannyZuker
    Danny Zuker    My kids sure know a lot of stuff for people who were constantly shitting themselves 10 years ago. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jeremyscahill
    jeremy scahill    any song by “A Tribe Called Crust” #hermancainpizzajams 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @EricStangel
    Eric Stangel    Susan Sarandon calls Pope a Nazi. Out of habit ESPN just fired her from Monday Night Football… 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    Cool it with the elbow patches, college professors. You’re not snipers. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmiebjr
    Jimmie    You Can’t Always Get What You Want (But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get Extra Cheese) #HermanCainPizzaJams 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

  • iPhone 4S, The Thing, and Drunk Pizza Making

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today the Twitterverse is aflutter with the iPhone 4S. We also learn about the ironies of National Dessert Day and figure out why the original “Charlie’s Angels” show succeeded in the first place.

    Enjoy!

    @DanaJGould
    Dana Gould    “The Thing” is a prequel to “The Thing” which is a remake of “The Thing” which is about a monster that duplicates itself. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    I’m not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @God_Damn_Batman
    The Batman    Robin stood in line all morning for his iPhone 4S. Which made “accidentally” running it over with the Batpod so much funnier. 1 hour ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

    @scullymike
    Mike Scully    I haven’t read any recent government studies, but I can only assume it’s still hard out there for a pimp. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @robdelaney
    rob delaney    Don’t necessarily nominate me for sainthood, but I just gave a VERY ugly woman directions. 4 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

    @jondaly
    Jon Daly    Watching a 1944 biopic of Mark Twain on TMC. I never knew he spoke completely in famous Mark Twain quotes. 12 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @JordyHamrick
    Jordan    If you’re ever feeling down about yourself, head to your local GameStop and ask the workers how they feel about dragons. 5 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @Justin_Stangel
    Justin Stangel    iPhone 4s activation problems on AT&T but not Verizon and Sprint. AT&T couldn’t be reached for comment because they are on AT&T 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Smethanie
    Stephanie    Never have I understood crack addicts more than in the 30 minutes I was without a phone while upgrading to the 4S. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

    @juliussharpe
    Julius Sharpe    Not surprised “Charlie’s Angels” was cancelled. The original only worked was because constant free porn wasn’t available. 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @firstworldme
    First World Problems    As I’ve grown older it has become more time consuming to locate my birth year in a drop down menu. #firstworldproblems 1 hour ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

    @JoshMalina
    Joshua Malina    9 pizzas, 9 toppings, 9 dollars. THAT’S a plan I can get behind. 3 hours ago via phnx · powered by @socialditto

    @meredithxoreid
    Meredith Reid    I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @Coastiefish
    Matt Smith    Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes? 20 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

  • iPhone Update, Joel Osteen, and the French Revolution

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, people are still talking about the iOS update and the Blackberry outage. We also see what qualifies as a workout to Jim Gaffigan.

    Enjoy!

    @yoyoha
    Josh Hara    Please don’t ‘celebrate my life’ when I die. You want to get drunk, do it on your own time. 35 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JennyJohnsonHi5
    Jenny Johnson    Joel Osteen says homosexuality is wrong, but taking money from strangers every Sunday is the shit! 37 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @SamGrittner
    Sam Grittner    Never trust a person that enjoys karaoke sober. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @BorowitzReport
    Andy Borowitz    Say what you will about Herman Cain, he’s one of the only Republican candidates who can count all the way to 9. 6 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @DRUNKHULK
    DRUNK HULK    EVERYONE TALK ABOUT HOW AWFUL BLACKBERRY ARE! HOW GREAT APPLE ARE! YET NO ONE QUESTION THEY STRANGE FRUIT ADDICTION! 6 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @thesulk
    Alec Sulkin    French people towards the end of the 18th century were fucking revolting. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @jimmykimmel
    Jimmy Kimmel    I haven’t used the iCloud yet, but I absolutely love it. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @JimGaffigan
    Jim Gaffigan    If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out. 3 hours ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

    @donni
    Donni Saphire    “Not 2 Shabby!” -Friend of missing rapper 2 Shabby, making a negative ID at the morgue 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @HAL9000_
    HAL 9000    pǝxıɟ ʎɐʍɟןɐɥ ʎןuo sı ɯqq ssǝnb ı 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @hipstermermaid
    braden graeber    Signing my emails “- Sent from my iPhone 6” just to make people super jealous. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    Dear Porn: The quality of a scene is not directly proportional to the amount of things you can fit inside of other things. 56 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @swiftenhaal
    Kevin    My iPhone is currently updating so I have to tweet from my computer like some Ethiopian kid. 14 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @glamxoxo
    Sue    I love vending machines because I can see exactly where my food is coming from. 7 hours ago via Power Twitter · powered by @socialditto

    [Image Courtesy Facebook]

  • BlackBerry, Bacon, and Adobe Reader

    BlackBerry, Bacon, and Adobe Reader

    Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

    And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

    Today, Twitter is pretty outraged at the BlackBerry outage, one user has a suggestion for Herman Cain, and we find out the real risks of jogging.

    Enjoy!

    @pourmecoffee
    pourmecoffee    If Herman Cain could pitch his 9-9-9 plan to the tune of the Subway $5 footlong song, I would be powerless to oppose it. 22 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @badbanana
    Tim Siedell    A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that’s why I don’t jog. 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @DavidKlein5
    David Klein    Good thing I proof read my tweets because I almost said studying for a “meth test” instead of “I’m addicted to cocaine.” 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @RobinMcCauley
    Robin McCauley    I keep smelling bacon so either there’s bacon around or I’m having a delicious stroke. 5 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

    @xCah
    Cáa Pardine    “10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash, now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.” “PLEASE, DON’T LET KEVIN BACON DIE!” 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @philrandall
    phil randall    Calling all iPhone users… get that BlackBerry experience by turning your phone to airplane mode ;O) 35 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

    @mileskahn
    mileskahn    “Happy Medium” is a description of both Mitt Romney’s appeal and my penis. 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

    @FirstWorldLife
    First World Life    Adobe Reader created a desktop icon without my permission. #FirstWorldProblems 5 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

    @shitmydadsays
    Justin    “There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain’t a species made to last.” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @PeytonsHead
    Peyton’s Head    And 3.2 wins. RT @ProFootballTalk Vick on pace for 4,000 passing yards, 1,000 rushing yards 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @TheFakeCNN
    The Fake CNN    Education: Your third grade teacher lied to you. You never use cursive. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @wonderella
    Wonderella    “Food is bad.” –every documentary on Netflix 19 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

    @Evil_Dumbledore
    Dumble-fucking-dory     Dear Blackberry, I think it’s nice that you’re honouring Steve Jobs’ death with a 3 day silence 7 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto