Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.
And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.
Today we have tweets celebrating National Sandwich Day! We also find a revealing secret about the Dalai Lama and give a little advice to the porn industry.
Enjoy!
@hipstermermaid
braden graeberI’m going to open a fast food place called ‘Chick Fil B’ that will only be open on Sundays and religious holidays.
5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
@JennyJohnsonHi5
Jenny JohnsonSorry porn industry, but a 40 year old woman with pigtails and knee-high socks isn’t “barely legal”. 4 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto
@SamGrittner
Sam GrittnerI’m a deadbeat dad to my Google+ account: I stop in three times a year, never tell it I love it, and I was blackout drunk when I created it. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@TheFunnySexist
The Funny Sexist™Today is National Sandwich Day. It is also National Housewife’s Day. Coincidence? 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@Lord_Voldemort7
The Dark LordJustin hits 14 million followers? What? Why is he hitting people? Who does he think he is, Chris Brown? 9 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@FirstWorldLife
First World LifeI sat through all the movie credits, but there was no extra scene at the end. #FirstWorldProblems 3 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto
@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzBREAKING: Kim Kardashian has suddenly cut her Australian trip short, apparently mistaking it for a marriage. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@jimmykimmel
Jimmy KimmelWhen I die I want people to remember that I never once drove a car with a spoiler. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@TheTweetOfGod
GodJudge not, lest ye be judged. Unless thou art Judge William Adams. In which case, thou art sooooooo judged. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@hipsterproblems
Hipster ProblemsIt’s National Sandwich Day? I’ll have a salad, please. #hipsterproblems 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@FakeAPStylebook
Fake AP StylebookIn obits, make it unclear if the dead person is survived by people or pets: Dave is survived by Jane, Flopsy, George, and Mr. Barkelstein. 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto
@robfee
Rob FeeFor me sex is like the Saw movies. It only happens once a year, everyone leaves disappointed, & usually there’s a puppet involved. 20 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
@DavidKlein5
David KleinNot sure why BBQ restaurants call them spare ribs. Pretty sure the animal needed all his ribs. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@Smethanie
StephanieI bet even the Dalai Lama has measured his penis. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
@AGuyWithNoLife
Elijah DanielIt’s National Sandwich Day aka Make Sexist Jokes Day. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@funnyordie
Funny Or DieIf you search “Do a barrel roll” google does a barrel roll! If you search “Tracy Chapman lyrics” gmail tells your family you’re suicidal. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto