Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.
And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.
Enjoy!
@jennabrom
Jenna BrombergI don’t know, king cake. I prefer not to put myself in situations where surprise babies may emerge at any time.
1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@rienfertel
Rien Fertel‘Girl, you look as good as a King Cake. Let me put a baby in you.’ Top pickup line of the season/century. 1 day ago via Twitter for iPhone · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@brendonwalsh
Brendon WalshNot to sound all high & mighty, but I just smoked a bowl and bench pressed 200 lbs 28 minutes ago via TweetCaster for Android · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@morninggloria
Erin Gloria RyanMardi Gras, St. Patrick’s Day & Cinco De Mayo are the 3 most important religious holidays for belligerent drunks everyone hated in college. 5 hours ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@itsthereal
itstherealNicki Minaj gave up rapping for Lent, even before it was Lent. She’s truly devout. 1 hour ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@DamienFahey
Damien FaheyIt’s almost Lent which reminds me of when God said, “A few times a year, to prove you love me, do some weird stuff.” 44 minutes ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@PeytonsHead
Peyton’s HeadGQ should ask Brady Quinn about something he’s qualified to answer, like his thoughts on David Beckham’s performance as an underwear model 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@sportspickle
SportsPickleThe fact that Brady Quinn dumped on Tebow is not news. The news is that for some reason someone interviewed Brady Quinn. 2 hours ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@davecaughey
Dave CaugheyI’m hoping to give up celibacy for lent. 1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@DrunkAshKetchum
Drunk Ash KetchumTomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Awwww yeah. 4 hours ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@sportsguy33
Bill SimmonsI’m rooting for the divorced girl to win “The Bachelor.” It would be more improbable than Gonzaga winning March Madness. 2 hours ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@PaulyMortadella
Pauly MillerAnyone who can stand Chris Brown has obviously never had the shit beat out of them or they are Rihanna. 1 hour ago via twicca · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@FakeAPStylebook
Fake AP StylebookTo avoid further controversy, people of Asian descent should only be described as “Linscrutable.” #Linsanity 1 hour ago via HootSuite · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@FirstWorldLife
First World LifeI can’t walk through Costco without constantly being offered free, delicious food. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via iTweet for Android · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@CandyWarhole
who cupped my boobs?Eating McDonalds is like bungee jumping: you know theres a chance you may die, but you take a leap of faith and hope you dont shit yourself 3 hours ago via twicca · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@hihough
James HoughHow did anyone convince us that Nature Valley granola bars are food? 3 hours ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzJust re-read the Book of Revelation, and there are at least sixteen different references to sweater vests. 3 hours ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto
@mileskahn
mileskahnIf there’s life on other planets, they probably had the technology to create Doritos Locos Tacos hundreds of years ago. 5 hours ago via TweetDeck · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto