Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.
And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.
Today we find that Twitter is talking about Donald Trump and Jerry Sandusky. We also learn the absolute best way to tell your kids they were adopted.
Enjoy!
@RubinReport
Dave Rubin#BigMac is trending, which means #Diarrhea will be trending about an hour from now.
1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@robdelaney
rob delaneyOne good way to let people know you’re elderly is to put a full size bandaid on a tiny scratch on your face. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@FirstWorldLife
First World LifeMy dinner was ready at 16:56 so I couldn’t watch anything on TV while eating for four minutes. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto
@pourmecoffee
pourmecoffeePhysicists at CERN announced they haven’t found the Higgs Boson “God particle,” but are bringing in Tebow for some tests. 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto
@mileskahn
mileskahnSandusky thinks he will prevail in his case. Guess he’s a “glass is half full of children about to testify against me” kind of guy. 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto
@tompapa
Tom PapaMarriage is the process of turning your hot girlfriend into your sister. 4 hours ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto
@badbanana
Tim Siedell“I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don’t want a blue collar job.” – Everyone who eventually becomes a judge. 19 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto
@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzThe GOP primary is what American Idol would be if every contestant was the “She Bangs” guy. 25 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto
@MarylandMudflap
Scotty L.Some people are scared of snakes. I’m scared of guys from Boston with shaved heads and goatees when “Jump Around” comes on at a bar. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@robfee
Rob FeeI’d say the best way to let a child know they’re adopted is to put “mom” and “dad” in quotation marks on their birthday card. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@JordyHamrick
JordanI’ve probably stumbled into a few rap videos during my weekend visits to Foot Locker. 42 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@Ron_White
Ron Whiteit’s funny my credit score, my blood alcohol content & high school GPA are all the same number (1.2) 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto
@beerinator
Jonathan SurrattYou’ve heard about “Take your Daughter to work day?” I think we should do that tomorrow, except replace daughters with beer. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@denisleary
Denis LearyNew doll for the holidays: Tickle Me Sandusky. 37 minutes ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto
@DuvaChristopher
Christopher DuvaDonald #Trump pulls out. If only his father had done the same. http://t.co/dZFC2DAa @BorowitzReport 37 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto
@ChrisPaulitzDC
Chris Paulitz#Trump walking away from his “debate” is like a one-handed man walking away from a clapping contest. #gop2012 42 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto