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Tag: open letters

  • Hey Time Warner Cable, You Can Call Me Whatever You Like

    I have Time Warner Cable and high-speed (lol) internet. If anyone from the billing department is listening, I just wanted to let you know that if you happen to get upset with me and call me names – let’s say on my bill or something – well, I’m cool with that as long as it means I get free stuff.

    Oops, I mean, grrrrr … I’d be so angry!

    I heard you – or a third party vendor that works worked for you – recently referred to a customer as “Cunt Martinez” in a letter. Then, I heard you apologized for the error profusely and offered her a free year of cable and internet.

    I also heard that Comcast called someone “Asshole Brown” on a bill. Boy, what a fiasco! I saw they apologized to her and refunded two whole years of her cable bills! Did you know about that? I bet you did. You guys are like, super close now.

    So, here’s what’s going to happen.

    I’m going to call you tonight and start bitching about something. Maybe multiple things. It doesn’t really matter. My internet is slow. I think you’re throttling me. ESPN2 is barely watchable it’s so choppy. What gives? Since when did my bill go up by $9? What kind of bullshit is this?

    I’m going to be insufferable. Not rude – just persistent enough to really annoy someone. I doubt it’ll be a struggle.

    And then in a few weeks, when I receive my billing statement, I’m going to hope to God almighty that some pissed-off customer service rep has changed my name to “F*ckface Wolford” or “Josh Fart”.

    Because in all honesty, you can call me whatever you like. I don’t care. There is literally no combination of vowels and consonants that is so offensive that I wouldn’t bear it to receive free internet and cable for a year.

    So, let’s save us both the hassle. I’ll just take a free year right now. Basic services are fine – I’ll pay for the premiums. And as far as internet goes, I’ll take the middle-of-the-road speed.

    I mean, it’s all the same anyway.

  • Sufjan Stevens’ Open Letter to Miley Cyrus Needs to Be the Last Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

    Miley Cyrus is probably tired of getting open letters. Actually, I know she is. I’m tired of people writing open letters to Miley Cyrus too. I’m sure you’re tired of Miley Cyrus, open letters, open letters to Miley Cyrus, and probably letters in general. If I could give up letters altogether and simply speak this to you, I would. Trust me.

    So this should be the last one. Let’s end the open letter-writing season on a high note.

    Singer-songwriter and Andrew Jackson entreater Sufjan Stevens has written the only open letter to Miley Cyrus that matters. Unlike others, Stevens doesn’t go after her for her recent choices – the twerking and such. Not at all, in fact (great song, great message, great body, he says). No, Sufjan has a bigger bone to pick with Miley. And it’s grammatical.

    Dear Miley. I can’t stop listening to #GetItRight (great song, great message, great body), but maybe you need a quick grammar lesson. One particular line causes concern: “I been laying in this bed all night long.” Miley, technically speaking, you’ve been LYING, not LAYING, an irregular verb form that should only be used when there’s an object, i.e. “I been laying my tired booty on this bed all night long.” Whatever. I’m not the best lyricist, but you know what I mean. #Get It Right The Next Time. But don’t worry, even Faulkner messed it up. We all make mistakes, and surely this isn’t your worst misdemeanor. But also, Miley, did you know the tense here is also totally wrong. Surely you’ve heard of Present Perfect Continuous Tense (I HAVE BEEN LYING in this bed all night long [hopefully getting some beauty sleep?]). It’s a weird, equivocal, almost purgatorial tense, not quite present, not quite past, not quite here, not quite there. Somewhere in between. I feel that way all the time. It kind of sucks. But I have a feeling your “present perfect continuous” involves a lot more excitement than mine. Anyway, doesn’t that also sum up your career right now? Present. Perfect. Continuous. And Tense. Intense? Girl, you work it like Mike Tyson. Miley, I love you because you’re the Queen, grammatically and anatomically speaking. And you’re the hottest cake in the pan. Don’t ever grow old. Live brightly before your fire fades into total darkness. XXOO Sufjan

    Laying/Lying is a tricky one, I’ll give her that. But he’s right. YOU’VE BEEN LAYING WHAT, MILEY?

    Now, can we all stop this open letter bullshit?

    Sufjan Stevens Tumblr via Stereogum
    Image via Miley Cyrus, Twitter