Tag: daily

“I see people.” – The First Sense

My life is one big “how did this big bruise happen?”

Tampa avoided Hurricane Isaac but female residents are still preparing for up to eight inches of Cain.

I couldn’t tweet for three days because I accidentally opened GarageBand and had to wait for it to load.

An archbishop being arrested for DUI is an improvement.

With Vince Young, Chad Johnson, Terrell Owens and now Chris Cooley, the unemployment office would beat the #Jets 35-3

EDITORIAL WRITERS: Any time someone calls the presidential race a “marathon” is a chance to point out a Kenyan will likely win it. #RNC

MT @MarkAgee Rush Limbaugh blamed Obama for the hurricane. Do what you want, but I’m voting for THE GUY WHO CAN CONTROL THE FREAKING WEATHER

I just checked out the news on MySpace! Lance Armstrong’s retiring, and a hurricane’s headed for New Orleans. What a crazy year 2005 is.

The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes

My favorite iPhone feature is the one that lets you ignore everyone and everything around you.

I miss the good old days when no one knew what gluten was.

Someone should tell dudes who pay dominatrixes to belittle them that the Apple Genius Bar is completely free.

Everyone wearing sunglasses is looking at you.

hey parents instead of naming your daughter mercedes you should just go with penis-trampoline

The Americans put a beach buggy on Mars. We can’t get a hippo out of a swimming pool without killing it.

Randy Travis has gone Honey Badger.

Started a game of hide and seek with my dad 20 years ago haha he’s the best where are you man

The shittiest people in Las Vegas. RT @KhloeKardashian: Who’s coming to see me at Kardashian Khaos at The Mirage in Las Vegas tomorrow?!?

Nothing sounds sweeter than the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Now that Lance Armstrong’s been accused of taking drugs, I’m starting to doubt his story that he was the first man on the moon.

I’ve always preferred performance inhibiting drugs.

I know more about Lance Armstrong’s balls than I do about Mitt Romney’s tax returns.

Thanks to whoever taught me how to play Stairway to Heaven in my dream. Now I just need to find a guitar made of crab meat & prime numbers.

It’s pretty obvious the UFC never thought it would last this long. Who’s looking forward to tonight’s MLB 203,015 event?

Eating alone in a hotel bar during the day is a real self esteem tester.

Tampa to be declared a major disaster area next week. Also, there might be a hurricane.

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant could also be called I Didn’t Realize I Was Retarded.

Wouldnt it be cool if Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger had a kid and the kid rebelled against his/her parents by becoming a talented musician?

Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal is perfect for when you’re hungry for a bowl of freebase cocaine.

Hey girl, I want to defund Planned Parenthood. Unplanned Parenthood is just so much more whimsical.

I hope it’s true that girls eventually turn into their mothers, because this girl I just ran over has a mother who’s alive.

Instead of describing the new Facebook app as “twice as fast” we should be saying it “performs as expected”.

farmers complaining about the drought need to grow a pear.

MCDONALDS ACCUSED OF COLLECTING DATA ON KIDS! MAYOR MCCHEESE HAS GONE MAD WITH POWER! GET OUT THERE AND VOTE PEOPLE!

If you’re feeling depressed, it’s probably not gonna help knowing the Nickelback guy can afford a 14-karat diamond.

I can’t afford anything from Pottery Barn, so I buy new furniture from Target and then beat the shit out of it with a chain.

I just restarted my free Netflix account, now it doesn’t know what I’ve seen #FirstWorldProblems

Technically Linens ‘n Things could just be called Things.

I could never be on a reality show because I wouldn’t want my mom to see the faces I make when I talk to her on the phone.

HBO says they will sue Roger Clemens for trademark infringement if he gets a perm.

Well, I can think of at least one member of the Congress who doesn’t know the back story of Mariska Hargitay’s character on SVU.

Things you shouldn’t bother closing: 1. Bag of chips 2. Laptop screen 3. Anything else you’re eating or looking at.

So 50 SHADES OF GREY is keeping Barnes & Noble alive. No wonder I saw a bookseller clad in pleather and installing a ceiling swing.

Augusta has admitted Condoleezza Rice as a member. That’s called ‘two birds with one stone’.

If Puerto Rico becomes a state, I’m guessing there’ll be a parade.

I’m going to take a picture of some frayed wires and say it’s an iPhone 5 part. Try fitting that in your picture.

It’s like @ToddAkin is screwing the GOP even though they asked him not to. There should be a word for that.

first journalist who gets #Romney to say #PussyRiot should win a Pulitzer

NICKI MINAJ NEW AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE! USUALLY DRUNK HULK MAKE JOKE NOW! BUT DRUNK HULK WORK ALREADY DONE!

Betcha everybody in this debt relief commercial is totally DTF

If God created the universe, explain Radio Shack.

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Mitt Romney looks like someone who wears fannypacks on the regular.

Apparently Kim Kardashian realized that she was married to someone who would marry Kim Kardashian.

One time I smashed my face into the keyboard and accidentally wrote the 4th Twilight book

I assume the only reason there are still payphones are for hostage situations in movies starring Bruce Willis.

I think Todd Akin should carry his #MOSen race to its full term.

Breaking: Asshole finally moves out of left lane.

If you don’t tweet RIP after a celebrity dies, you’re basically cursing their corpse to an eternity of torment.

The number 1 and 2 stories on Yahoo News are Kim Kardashian and Toilet of the future. To me that’s the same story.

Mitt Romney to admit that he smoked a little Romneycare but he never inhaled.

“The Price is Right” wants to hire a male model. If it helps, I can bring my own gowns.

David Copperfield should maybe stop being such a dick and turn one of the oceans into mac n cheese.

I wish I had Kim Kardashian’s talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.

My boss discovered Dubstep and now that’s all he plays on the community stereo at work. #FirstWorldProblems

Everyone should be friends with 1 weirdo who’s fun to drink with but is so bizarre that you’re afraid to spend the night at their house.

“Sorry, Congressman Ryan, but the Governor is already wearing a fabric belt covered in whales. Please wrap this sweater around your waist.”

Every single person on TV in the 70’s was drunk.

Look, if our elected leaders can’t make allusions to slavery in their rhetoric then the terrorists win.

SELF DRIVING CARS COMING SOON? THANK TO CELL PHONES! PEOPLE LETTING CARS DRIVE THEMSELVES FOR YEARS NOW!

That Cheerios honey-bee is NOT an accurate representation of how bees act when you take their honey.

If you watched “Honey Boo Boo”, then you surrendered your right to complain about that anything else that happens in the world, ever.

I have a beach body. It’s very bright and causes people to squint.

I’m the Usain Bolt of watching Usain Bolt while eating a cookie.

Today’s Equation: Man + Skis x Tree = Femur / 3

Apparently, the only symptom of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is constantly shouting “I’m so OCD, you guys!”

THAT LAST TIME DRUNK HULK GO DRINKING WITH RANDY TRAVIS!

“Balls and hoops today. Clubs and ribbon tomorrow.” Schedule for rhythmic gymnastics or excerpt from 50 Shades?

“I have low battery” is the “I have a headache” of sexting.

Romney only agreed to announce his running mate via his app after being told it couldn’t be done via Tamagotchi.

The biggest challenge for any Olympic athlete is to avoid winding up like Bruce Jenner.

There are no cheat codes for Wii Fit #firstworldproblems

I’m old enough to remember when rewinding a tape was directly associated with kindness.

If milk and peanut butter are any indications, scientists are now at work on a shittier Mars Rover made of almonds.

I have receipts in my car that are so old they think Elvis Presley’s dancing is inappropriate

Laziness, not necessity, is the Mother of Invention. Consider that there were only 3 TV channels before the advent of the remote control.

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

For morale’s sake, I hope they didn’t show Curiosity the first 45 minutes of Wall-e.

Unless your dream involves us boning or you telling me about your dream will result in us boning, don’t tell me about your dream.

Say what you want about the Amish….because they’re not on Twitter.

Obamacare is making Papa Johns pizza less affordable? It’s already working, you guys.

My political views are so diverse, that none of favorite restaurants completely support all of them. #firstworldproblems

I’m already looking forward to Ryan Lochte’s first mugshot.

Randy Travis attained a level of DWI that NFL players only dream of reaching.

JULY HOTTEST MONTH IN U.S. HISTORY! PERSONALLY! DRUNK HULK THINK IT NO GOOD IDEA TO SEXUALLY OBJECTIFY ANY MONTH!

On a scale from Randy Travis to Nick Noltes mugshot how bad did your drivers license photo turn out?

I’m safely on the surface of Mars. GALE CRATER I AM IN YOU!!! #MSL

OH “The nerds just took gold in the 560 billion metres” #curiosity

Usain Bolt runs at 31mph which sounds good, but if he hits a child there’s a 40% chance they’ll die.

2.6 billion dollars later we get a black & white photo of dirt. Couldn’t we have just sent a hipster into the desert? #Curiosity#NASA

This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.

Al Qaeda prisoners caught trying to tunnel out of Abu Ghraib. The giveaway was the burqa-clad Rita Hayworth poster.

The Higgs boson scientists must look at the Mars Curiosity scientists and feel the way the Jonas Bros felt about Bieber.

I can’t believe a probe just landed on Mars and it took me three tries to get a bottom sheet onto my bed.

I don’t have balls, but I imagine getting kicked in them feels a lot like switching your alarm clock back on the last night of vacation.

Walt could blow up a school while Jesse drown a box of puppies & somehow Skyler would still be my least favorite person on Breaking Bad.

I ordered food, so now I have to put on pants to greet the delivery guy. #firstworldproblems

Wikipedia’s servers are not working. So this is how they felt when the library at Alexandria burned.

#PornHasTaughtMe tha huge difference between 0 and 1 on a TV volume

Team USA Hockey wins gold, being dubbed “Miracle on Ice”

Michael Phelps still got 1st place in the Footlongs & Bongs category.

Did you get halfway through your sandwich and quit? RT @SarahPalinUSA: Stopped by Chick-fil-A in The Woodlands to support a great business.

Swiss player sent home for calling Koreans “retards” on Twitter. So far, no Koreans retarded enough to Tweet racist remarks during Games.

#PornHasTaughtMe: That there’s hundreds of girls in my local area willing to chat right now

The most unrealistic part of Taken is two teenage girls wanting to follow a U2 tour.

My friend has an aol email account. #firstworldproblems

Peter Jackson just announced he is adapting Goodnight Moon into seven features.

I tend to vote based on who I think would look best stamped on a coin.

#pornhastaughtme never sit on a black pleather couch.

Of all the Twilight vampires, Bob Costas is the least threatening.

Mitt Romney is at the Olympics. Mitt said he loves watching people from other countries work for no money.

It also happens in a Lamborghini. RT @chrisbrown: Bullying isn’t just something that happens in school.

The way airplane toilets flush, it’s like they’re mad you took a shit.

The worst part of Dark Knight Rises is when they unveil the Joe Paterno statue at the end.

I just drank four beers and I don’t even have a buzz. #FirstWorldProblems

I bought a Mike Tyson grill but it was just a set of dentures with two gold teeth?

Bright orange nail polish is the official vacation nail polish for chicks named Tara.

In a show of conservative support, Michele Bachmann just unhinged her jaw and ate an entire Chick-fil-A restaurant.

“Excuse me, my eyes are up her- OH FUCK NOT AGAIN.” – Medusa

Chick-fil-A could punt kittens, I’d still eat it.

“I’m dead to me.” – depressed mobster.

If music is the universal language then Nickelback is cosmically illiterate.