Tag: daily

In my house, fiddling with the new google maps for iPhone and shouted to myself, “I can’t wait to have to go someplace!”

I hope no terrorists know how to hop over airplane food carts.

Will I enjoy The Hobbit even if I haven’t seen the rest of the Harry Potter movies?

Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.

Guy Fieri opening a restaurant is like Casey Anthony putting out an album of lullabies.

J. Crew makes some great outfits to ineffectually stand there while your wife is mugged.

North Korea is the Lindsay Lohan of the world. Still around, but nobody knows why.

A plot to “murder and castrate” Justin Bieber was foiled when the killer’s knife kept slipping off Bieber’s sexless plastic body.

With the new Google maps app, it’s much easier to locate hemorrhoid cream or cocaine while “on the go.”

“Food photographer” is a very cool way of saying “human being with a functioning camera”.

Fiscal Cliff sounds like a Sesame Street character that teaches kids about taxes

It’d be funny if everyone told their kids Steve Buscemi is the tooth fairy.

They’re making an Angry Birds movie. It’s part of Hollywood’s new trend of films based on things you do while you poop.

When the kids are being too loud I tell them their faces went through my vagina and then they shut up and run away.

Superman! The hard-luck bulletproof underdog with X-ray vision who can fly and shoot lasers from his eyes! Sure hope he beats the odds!

It’s humbling to know a monkey wearing a coat in Ikea has touched the world more than you ever will.

The Japanese word for fart translates literally to “beef whisper.”

If at first you don’t succeed, your next text is gonna seem desperate.

Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?

Dave Hester is suing Storage Wars for $3,750,000. They should give him 50 couches and an old treadmill and tell him it’s worth the same.

How great would it be if at the end of The Hobbit, they just started playing Smashmouth

If you’re planning a shooting during The Hobbit, you’d better use arrows or the nerds in costumes will get pissed.

The #McDProBowl is a toilet for the morbidly obese, right?

Here’s my idea: Inedible Arrangements. Just like Edible Arrangements, except with plastic fruit so it lasts longer.

Get into the Christmas spirit by remembering how cool Joseph was about an invisible guy impregnating his lady Mary.

Tchaikovsky is probably my favorite composer that’s also a sneeze.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

If you’re a white guy with dreads, your name is Xander. Even if it isn’t.

If you have to Shazam a song at a concert, you probably should not be at that concert

I’m just glad it’s illegal to eat healthy during December.

Bania steals jokes from Jerry’s tweets. George lies on @foursquare to avoid his parents. Kramer leads the less popular #Kony2013 campaign.

My Macbook Air is cold on my legs. #firstworldproblems

I’m an adult, I don’t have to wait until Easter to eat a chocolate rabbit.

Happy Hanukkah/Chanukkah! A Holiday so nice they spelled it twice.

I have 8 Google Wave invites left hit me up

If you don’t shave or wax your pubes and you wear panty hose with no underwear, your crotch looks like Vlade Divac robbing a gas station.

Million dollar idea: Invest a billion dollars in Facebook.

Rush Limbaugh looks like if someone put a normal human being in landscape mode.

Pearl Harbor is one of the great disasters of American history, as was “Pearl Harbor”.

I’d be more motivated to exercise if pizza didn’t like to be eaten and could run.

No matter how bad your day is going, the idea of Asian senior citizens shooting flare guns at squirrels should be able to get you through.

‘Could I *be* dreaming of a whiter Christmas?’ – Chandler Bing Crosby.

My iPad fell on my nose while reading in bed #firstworldproblems

Not judging Psy for rapping about killing Americans until I get a look at the accompanying “Kill All Americans” novelty dance.

Unlike in Egypt, Americans use Facebook mainly to protest changes in Facebook.

I can’t afford Nicotine gum so I just always chew some Trident while I’m smoking.

When a kid is ugly does it mean their parents weren’t meant to be together?

Playing “Words With Friends” is a good way to keep track of when your friends are shitting.

“Santa used Apple Maps, I’m sorry baby.” – How a lot of poor kids are going to get consoled this year

There should not be a moment in the next Finding Nemo movie in which the fish stumble across the body of Bin Laden

Washington legalizing gay marriage and pot is like the setup to a madcap romcom starring Nathan Lane and Snoop Dogg.

“YOLO!”–drunk Dalai Lama

The Hobbit, Part 1 covers only the indicia of the book. Publication date, copyright notices, etc. Andy Serkis plays the ISBN number.

Fuck you, holidays that fall on a weekend.

I hope Angus T. Jones has nicer things to say about Celebrity Rehab when he’s on that.

Apple announces plans to begin manufacturing computers in the U.S. Because they are devoted to creating jobs for American kids.

Do you think now that John McAfee has been arrested he’ll have a 21 day free trial?

Is somebody watching the Germans?

let’s have a moment of silence for anyone who will receive a pair of crocs for christmas

Every morning I wake up and check my dreamcatcher and there’s never a breakfast burrito in it so what a ripoff.

Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I smell like latex and penicillin.

Given its trendy name, I thought iHop would be cooler somehow.

Any North Koreans exhibiting signs of Gangnam Style will be executed.

The content owner has not made this video available on mobile. #FirstWorldProblems

“Keep out of Lindsay Lohan” -Trouble

Before your birthday party know that 5 minutes before showing up everyone’s had the “We’ll stay for an hour then leave” car conversation.

Weird to think about how many different decades Larry King has fingered people in.

I wanted to do a good deed today, so I retweeted the link of that cop giving the homeless guy shoes.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice I’m calling 911 you obviously haven’t heard of our tough new two strikes law. Enjoy prison, asshole

“What do you mean, these are my birthday AND Christmas presents this year?? God dammit!” – Jesus

Women are like snowflakes: they can’t drive

It’s pretty amazing that the winning Powerball numbers are EXACTLY the same as my age when I was 5, 23, 16, 22, 29 and even 6 years old.

“I’m really excited about iTunes 11” – people that kept going to Tower Records into the 2000s.

Weird. My iTunes 11 doesn’t have a View ? Show Sidebar menu item. Mine says View ? I Hate Change.

Study: The person you’re telling last night’s dream to, doesn’t really give a shit.

Just found this new app that tells you which of your family members are racist. It’s called Facebook.

Kind of a cheap gag for Obama to serve white turkey at his lunch with Romney

In the future, archeologists will believe we marked the changing of the seasons with Lindsay Lohan arrests.

Every object in my house has two stories behind it: the great deal my wife got on it, and the time I smacked my head on it.

Yes, I’m here, Margaret. I’m just ignoring you.

Colonel mustard also killed countless nazis protecting your goddamn freedom the very same freedom that allowed you to make that lucky guess

Oh no! Lindsay Lohan was arrested for protesting injustice in the Middle East! Just kidding, it’s still for punching people or something.

The best reason to have a baby is if you want to be handed something every twenty seconds for the next three years.

The Pirate Bay is down, so I can’t download the newest Game of Thrones episode. #FirstWorldProblems

“You can sleep when you’re dead” is a popular saying among people who don’t understand what death is.

The fact that Angus T. Jones is a chubby little rich kid instead of an eccentric Texas oil tycoon that shoots old trees for fun baffles me.

The holidays make me want to grab a cup of hot chocolate and curl up in a nice fire.

If you look at the Gangnam Style video closely you can see the whole thing is the mad delusion of a man suffering sun stroke at the beach.

Imagine what kind of traps Kevin would have put together on Home Alone if he’d found Buzz’s stash of dildos.

Obama to host Romney for lunch Thursday. Nate Silver has it 61% fish, 23% chicken, 16% other. Dick Morris predicts fresh Dodo bird eggs.

The Lottery’s “Hey, You Never Know” slogan also works for genital warts.

Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, according to the Weight Watchers PR exec who just yelled “God damn it” at the top of his lungs.

If you can name 5 Kardashians but can’t name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket.

I thought Angus T. Jones was a brand of Walmart steaks.

can we redo all the tyler perry movies with white people oh nevermind thanks adam sandler

Steve Buscemi looks GREAT for a melted candle.

Is that a Werther’s Original in your pocket or OH GRAMPA

I wonder what Adele song Mitt Romney is sobbing to today?

The only thing worse than witnessing the murder of your parents is realizing how many people are still Twilight fans.

I’m thinking about changing my name to “Opportunities” that way Lindsay Lohan will blow me.

Why do they put a bulletproof shield around Obama whenever he makes a speech? Just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s gonna shoot anyone.

BREAKING: IRS preparing a helmet filled with bees to persuade Nicolas Cage to pay $6 million in back taxes

I’m about 6 foot, or 3,718 iPhone charging cords tall.

We survived The Macarena and by God we’ll survive Gangnam style!

I get annoyed when my well freezes but then I realize it’s hard out there for a pump.

The rest of my life was all anticlimax after Bryan Adams looked up at me in the last shot of the “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” video.

TIP: To remove all credibility from what you’re saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

DRUNK HULK TAKE BLUE MONDAY OVER BLACK FRIDAY ANYTIME!

The briefest thought you’ll ever have is the one where you see a parking spot only big enough for a Smart car and wish you had one.

Prediction: Whoever casted Lindsay Lohan as Liz Taylor will most likely cast Xzibit as Humphrey Bogart.

Star Wars, Ghostbusters, Top Gun, & Conan The Barbarian all getting sequels. What next? Somewhere Steve Guttenberg has his fingers crossed.

The best thing about this election news cycle may have been Ted Nugent’s full-on transformation into Yosemite Sam.

Why are people so mad at this Ben Gozzi person?

My dad went to the store for a pack of cigarettes, and all I got were these lousy abandonment issues.

Note to all future cheaters. If a CIA director can’t keep his affair under wraps I doubt anyone can.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

Almost that time of year to hate everyone and everything twice as much.

“Privacy, please.” – Former head of spy agency, probably. #Petraeus

The Pirate Bay is down #FirstWorldProblems

“Freedom is free.” – guy who is often corrected

Florida has finally come to a decision: It’ll see the dessert menu.

Florida goes to Obama. It’s looking more and more like Mitt Romney might not win this thing.

When my buddy asked me to hang in his man cave I didn’t know he meant his ass so after 20 minutes in there I made some excuse and left.

I’ve only been in Dallas for 12 minutes and I already intercepted a pass from Tony Romo

Hey fellow #drug fans, I would like to purchase some amphetamines. Meet me outside the McDonalds across from the police station.

Pickles = Zombie Cucumbers

Everyone’s worried that Diane Sawyer was drunk on Tuesday but to be honest weren’t most of us?

It appears I lack the patience needed to not tell a vending machine to “go fuck itself” when it doesn’t accept my dollar on the first try.

Ok, so we’ve heard what Ted Nugent, Victoria Jackson and Chuck Woolery had to say about the election. Anybody interview the kid from ALF?

Did we ever reach a consensus as to whether or not ‘GHOSTBUSTERS’ is a documentary?

I really need to send a text message while driving, but all the traffic lights I hit keep turning green. #firstworldproblems

Somewhere Karl Rove is arguing that Darth Vader can’t possibly be Luke’s father.

Rib WHAT, frogs?

Did not realize Roseanne Barr was on the ticket…this changes everything.

If Obama loses tonight I hope tomorrow he releases his Kenyan birth certificate

Girl, you must not be able to vote because you STOLE MY HEART and are a convicted felon

Some dog people state, “I love Pitbulls” like they’re saying, “I’m not racist”

PRETTY MUCH BULLSHIT THAT NICKELBACK FANS ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE.

Every show on The Disney Channel is just kids in striped shirts being dicks.

I can’t wait for this election to be over so Kid Rock can stop with all the politics and get back to groovin’ my soul with his tasty jams.

What happened to the Whig Party?

I’ve never taken heroin, but I’m assuming it feels like someone canceling a meeting with you 5 minutes before you’re supposed to have it.

Halo 4, black ops 2, and no shave November… This is going to be a rough month for relationships..

Remember, your vote doesn’t count unless you Instagram your sticker!

There should be a 3rd drive-thru window at Taco Bell that’s just a burly dude calling you a pussy if you ask for mild sauce.

Wow! RT @MittRomney “If we win this thing, I’m marrying like 6 more bitches.”

Who’s ready to ostracize some friends tomorrow with wildly impassioned and offensive political Facebook status updates?!?!

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Breaking: Starbucks introduces 3 more coffees you’ll feel like a dick ordering.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

The game I spent 99 cents on in the app store is now free. #FirstWorldProblems

John Cusack might play Rush Limbaugh in a movie. Is it called “Eat Anything”?

Election ending will be like closing a porn tab — instantly hate self for getting into it.

While I wait for my iPhone software to update, I think I’ll carve a complete chess set out of some rocks.

I liked The Walking Dead better when they were just hanging out on the farm, trying to figure out whose turn it was to do chores.

I think this election will ultimately boil down to a choice between Barack Obama & Mitt Romney.

I’ve never met a baby named Beverly.

The Apple mini iPad, for when you just can’t find something dumber to spend your money on…

“I can’t believe it’s November already” – someone who doesn’t understand the basic concept of time

How has Donald Trump not made the claim that Obama demanded for the NYC Marathon to take place since one of his fellow Kenyans always wins?

Hey there Delilah what’s in like in New York City no im not watching the news who is sandy wow babe that sounds terrible

To recap: NYC marathon after a major hurricane – cool. Large soda? Hell no!

So does Queen Latifah have actual political power or is she more of a figure head?

I’m not sure which way Ohio will swing, but Disney should buy it either way.

Friday is just Monday with tits.

I missed the Country Music Awards last night but that paper clip collection wasn’t going to count itself.

I can’t wait till the election is over and we can all go back to hating each other for real reasons.

I will use my iPad mini only on light-flow days, thank you very much.

You know what would speak volumes? An Encyclopedia Britannica audio book.